Divorced Parents of Teens- I Need Words of Wisdom..?

Question

My son went to live with his father (300 miles away) and stepmom. I did not want it this way, but at the moment I don't have the resources to keep him busy and out of trouble. I didn't want him to go at first, but the public school is better there, and his dad wanted him to go. I was going to put him in private school. His first weekend at his dad's, he had an episode with drinking liquor from their house when they went out. I don't want to go into it, but he could have died- he was alone at the time. (I don't keep liquor in my house or drink) It was hard enough to let him go live there- then this. The problem I am having is I know my ex puts us down (my husband and me) to my son. We have been good parents, we just don't have as much money as they for entertainment, etc, and haven't for sev. yrs- but will soon b/c of my husband's business. My son's father has taught him that a person's worth has to do with his income. I am distraught that I am losing my son, he hardly talks to me.

I just want to say thank you to everyone who answered with so much understanding. I cherish your words, no kidding!- to hear the wisdom from the experiences of others means a lot.

Answer 1

You sound like a sweet person and I'm sorry you had to go through this. Your son wants and needs HIS dad. I understand this because I was your son years ago.

He is probably being nasty to you, but he doesn't mean it. That's how children separate and justify a move they want to make. Just keep being his mother, and IGNORE any negative stuff that may come from your son or your ex. Your son will always love and need you.

Focus on ways that you can take the pain from your son. You be in pain now so he doesn't have to be. He WILL know EXACTLY what you are doing for him (though he won't be able to thank you for it).

Tell him often that you love him no matter what (which I'm sure you do because he is not afraid of losing you... he knows you will be there for him)

You see, he can't be nasty (a typical pain in the *** kid) to his father now because he doesn't TRUST that his father will be there for him if he is nasty. When your son trusts his father... he'll be nasty to him too and all will be fine.

Answer 2

I am so sorry that this has happened to you and your son. Not quite sure how old your son is but it seems pretty typical.Shame on the father for talking you down in front of your son. I would do whatever it takes to get your son back.Does your son play any sports or does he want to get a job?Maybe get involved with a youth group. Check your resources out the best that you can. Things will take a little time to work out. He might even have some issues because you remarried. I know when I left my X my son was mad too. We could not get along and he bad mouthed me all the time. I had to work really hard in getting my Son to look at my choice of leaving his Dad because I was miserable.Eventually when some time had elapsed then we were able to start repairing our relationship. It is really hard to do. I went to work when my son was entering High School and thought that was a good time but it was absolutely the worst thing I could have done. I basically was a single parent but don't give up. Just try to keep the communication open with your son and pray and ask God to keep him safe and ask for help. You'll know what is right.I was a stay at home Mom for most of my son's life and there was no money that could have replaced the time I was able to be there for my son.I have been out of the house for 15 months now and I still have to talk to my son everyday other wise I get upset. He is my being & reason for living.Good luck and God bless.

Answer 3

Well my parent's divorced when I was 13 and I wanted to go live with my dad but hes a business man and was never home so I had to stay with my mom! Don't get me wrong I love my mom but shes the reason all this happened! My mom started seeing this other guy and my dad found out! She said it was b/c he was never around! Anyways I started getting into trouble so my dad would pay more attention with me! Then he ended up in a house and let me stay there and I hardly saw or talked to my mom! Just give him time it just may be hard on him and the fact that his dad is with some one other then his mom and you got to remember he's a teenager! I hope it works out, after I grew up a little I started to understand some stuff that I didn't then.

Answer 4

The key word here is teenage. They will test every limit they can and then find some you didn't know where even there to be tested. All you can do is let your son know you love him NO MATTER WHAT. Tell him you will always be there for him and just pray for God almighty to help guide him.
It doesn't sound like you have the kind of relationship with your ex that you can talk about issues involving your son, so don't even bother with him. Obviously you made the right decision in ending that relationship. But please don't give up on your son. Call him, write to him, send him emails. Just constantly let him know how much he means to you.

Answer 5

Do you know how hard it is divorcing and dealing with everything? Now Triple that (at least) and that is how hard this big mess is for your son. Plus he has to grow up in the middle of all of this, and you know how the teenage years can be.You started your new life and just wanted your son to to join you and live happy ever after. Just remember it is your new life.. not his. His life still includes you and his dad. That is never going to change, and he will have to deal with it for the rest of your life. There is nothing wrong with money (it sounds like you are waiting for your boat to come in) and dads have a right to teach their son their own values. Things are going to happen (drinking, car accidents, sickness) stop blaming the ex husband just because it happened when the boy was with them. They will deal with it. Be happy that dad wants to be a dad. Although, like most ex's you wish his dad would drop off the face of the planet. You picked this man to father your child, so it all comes down to you having started this whole mess. This is time for the son to be with his dad let it be. In the end he will grow up and will decide how much he wants to be in either of your life's.

Answer 6

Here's the thing. You are still that boys mother and he does love you. His father is wrong to try to poison that and sooner or later you son will figure out what his father is doing to him. All you can do is be who and what you are.

Don't worry so much about not having a lot of 'things', love is what's important and honestly, a man who would try to turn his son against his own mother is a very selfish and spiteful person. Trust your son to figure this out.

Answer 7

If they want to drink, they will drink. Same with drugs. All you can do is try and stay in touch with him best you can. At least you are trying it out. Better that then in 10yrs, why didn't you let me go live with dad!! Be the bigger person. My daughter lives with her dad, he does the same, bad talking about us. She knows by experience that he is bitter.
Kids are smarter than we give them credit for, hang in there, and your sure to come out smelling like roses. Just make sure you don't do what he does, with the bad talking and all. Find a friend to vent to, so the kids don't have to hear.

Answer 8

Sorry to hear this, but I was in the same boat. Don't fall into the trap of badmouthing his dad no matter how much you want to. Lead by example, and let it be quite clear that you will always be there for him no matter what. Let your son know that success in life is not about income, but about the choices we make in life, and how we stand by those decisions. Self worth comes from RESPECT for ourselves and others. Kids are smarter than we think. They catch on very quickly, and if you practice what you preach, he will most definitely respect you for it. Be patient and trust yourself. Since you have no control over the rules set by his father at his house, you do your best to make your house follow the number one rule....respect at all times without exception. My 4 year old daughter went through this with her mom. She is now 11 and lives with me by choice. She has learned that with respect, comes tollerance, peace and love within oneself. That in itself will become a more powerful message to the child, than parents that badmouth eachother. Trust me on this one. Good luck.

Answer 9

MAKE HIM COME BACK HOME! YOU'RE HIS MOMMA, HE NEEDS A REALITY CHECK. MONEY DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING AND IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU SPECIAL IF YOU HAVE NOTHING ON THE INSIDE. TALK TO YOUR EX AND TELL HIM THAT YOU CAN'T HAVE THAT SITUATION (YOUR SON GETTING ALCOHOL POISONING) HAPPEN AGAIN! PERIOD!!!!
YOUR SON NEEDS TO BE WITH YOU. TEACH HIM THAT MONEY DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING, IT'S WHO YOU ARE THAT MAKES YOU AN IMPORTANT PERSON. TALK TO HIM ALOT!! HE WILL EVENTUALLY LISTEN. DISCIPLINE HIM, AND TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM EVERY DAY. TAKE YOUR SON BACK OR YOU WILL REGRET THIS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! MY MOM WORKED 3 CRAP JOBS WHEN I WAS A KID, WE WERE REALLY POOR, BUT SHE MADE IT ALL ALONE!

Answer 10

Why dont you try going to you exs house and try getting alone with him for your sons sake. Then you can catch up with your son and hell see that your the bigger person.