My husband's daughter is 7years old and her mother left her when she was 7 months old. Her dad has been taking care of her since then. She sees her mom every now and then and talks to her on the phone but does not know her as anything but aunt Crystal. She calls me mom and doesnt ever even question who her mother is. I dont know whether she is ready to know the truth but we also don't want to wait too long. If we tell her she may want to go live with her or something and that does not need to happen. The woman abandoned her and her father and is in and out of jail constantly. What do we do?
2006-08-25 09:16:49 · 24 answers · asked by meaghen2004 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
HER DAD IS NOT IN AND OUT OF JAIL. HE HAS NEVER EVEN BEEN IN JAIL. I JUST WORDED IT WRONG. HER REAL MOTHER IS THE ONE IN AND OUT OF JAIL!!!
2006-08-25 09:33:23 · update #1
XXXXXXXXXXXX I think she's still too young to comprehend. Wait til she gets a bit older and start asking you questions. Then she's be more mature and understand better. This will only confuse her now. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
2006-08-25 09:19:29 · answer #1 · answered by asoldierswife 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Since her mother abandoned her, and is in and out of jail constantly, I can see why you and her father would have a hard time finding the right time and way to tell your daughter the truth. It does seem that she is still a little young to fully understand what happened. My biggest concern about leaving her in the dark for now is that she may hear the truth from someone other than you or your husband. If you live or socialize with your daughter's cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. she may be told by one of them, or overhear them in conservsation about the situation someday! That could be much more traumatizing than hearing the truth from you now. There is no easy answer ... but do give this some consideration! Good luck!
2006-08-25 09:32:58 · answer #2 · answered by baeb47 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Be honest and upfront and understanding that she may be confused.
The truth is that some people were meant to be mommys and daddys and some weren't. Some kids have parents that aren't the same people that gave birth to them - you happen to be one of those moms
You were lucky enough to find a little girl and her daddy that you love so much that you never wanted to be without them, and so you married that family - not just her father, but you are married to the family too. She does not need to know how awful her mom is, but she does need to know that your love is stronger than anythings else, and that you ARE her mom.
Also, get started on an established custody agreement. Or adopt her. That's what happened with me. Then she knows for real that you chose HER above all the other people in this world to be your daughter.
Don't lie, and don't wait too long - when the truth comes out she will resent you for not being honest...and that leads to future problems for all of you.
2006-08-25 09:32:16 · answer #3 · answered by Dogma Mom 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
She's too young right now, in my opinion. Sounds like she has plenty on her plate to worry about, with a dad in and out of jail. You might want to begin when she's a little older and has a better grasp of how relationships work ... also when she no longer believes that the world revolves around her.
Maybe, start by telling her how special she is, and how much you would love to really be her mother and you'll never leave her, but that the truth is ...
2006-08-25 09:22:19 · answer #4 · answered by Myrna B 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Well truth is usually always better but, I am not sure 7 years old is old enough for the hurtful truth just yet. I would wait until she is about 10 and then just sit her down and explain the truth of course save her feelings when telling her so she won't think something is wrong with her is why her mom left her like that!!! Good Luck!
2006-08-25 09:21:00 · answer #5 · answered by JACKIE M 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Well, you should sit down with her and talk to her. How mature she is emotionally is a big factor of how you should go about this. Assuming regular 7 yr old maturity level, say something like this: "I want to talk to you about something grownup, so be patient with me. You know you're Aunt Carol? She actully gave birth to you. That doesn't mean I'm not your mother, but it's something your Dad and I wanted you to know about, so that if you ever had any questions you could come to us first." If she asks why Aunt Carol isn't there, tell her something like "Aunt Carol had some problems so she had to go away, and she wanted to make sure you were taken care of, so she left you with your dad and me" Be gentle and everything should be fine.
2006-08-25 09:26:56 · answer #6 · answered by blue 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Why tell her at all? What positive purpose would that serve, other than to confuse the child. She has accepted the fact that you are her mom since you are the one there for her, and thats what really matters. Having you in her life is the most positive thing she can have along with a loving father, so why even mess with that. If she choses to ask later in life, then by all means tell her the truth, and tell her that you are always the one who is there for her.
2006-08-25 09:23:34 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
You need to sit her down and be honest with her, now that may be easy said then done. Tell her she is a gift to you from God, she is the most precious person in your life, You will always be their to take care of her, tell her about her Mom, Some kids are very smart, and can handle the situation, some need counseling. I wish you all the best.
2006-08-25 09:27:37 · answer #8 · answered by roseannetb@verizon.net 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
BOTH OF YOU NEED TO SIT DOWN WITH HER AND BE HONEST ABOUT IT AND TELL HER THE WHOLE STORY. LET HER KNOW YOU LOVE HER. THE LONGER YOU WAIT THE HARDER SHE WILL TAKE IT AND WILL FEEL THAT YOU HAVE HIDDEN THINGS FROM HER AND IT WILL JEOPARDIZE THE TRUST FACTOR. AT AN EARLY AGE SHE WILL ACCEPT IT BETTER AND BECOME MORE COMFORTABLE WITH THE TRUTH AS SHE AGES AND WONT FEEL LIKE SHE HAS BEEN LIVING A LIE ALL HER LIFE. YOU DONT WANT HER TO FIND OUT FROM HER REAL MOM OR THE RELATIVES OR ANY BODY ELSE WHO MAY HAVE THAT KNOWLEDGE.
2006-08-25 09:26:49 · answer #9 · answered by BAG LADY 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Seven years old may be a little too young for her to comprehand the whole issue, maybe waiting a little longer. Let her have her innocence. When's she older she should be able to understand and look at the facts properly. Maybe her early teens, or whenever you feel she is most ready for the news. It all depends on her maturity. If you don't think she will be able to take the news then I would wait, definitely. Hope it works out.
2006-08-25 09:21:47 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
the very idea that your husband has allowed this 7 yr old to not know who her mother is is a crime in itself. This child should know who her mother is. You are the MOM....the bond and the security lie with you as the caregiving MOM figure. This will not change. But....if you wait until this child is in her teens or adulthood to tell her....she will turn the tables on you and resent you forever!!!
2006-09-02 01:17:00 · answer #11 · answered by aunt_beeaa 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋