Recenty we have been having "issues" keeping the house "clean" so I told my wife to look into having a maid come by twice a week and that bothered her. Rather than taking it as me trying to help she took it as me complaining when I was not..... it was just a suggestion.
We have 2 kids age 4 and 8 months so I totally understand that they can wreck the house quickly and I also understand that my wifes time is spread a little thin lately.
I am also a little anal about things being clean,I cant help that. Before you get all over me just know that I do my fair share of household chores too.
how can I offer her help without it sounding as if I am complaining?
2006-08-25 08:11:35 · 26 answers · asked by RedEye 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Man, I wish you were my husband. I would have given you a big kiss and said "thank you".
2006-08-25 08:20:41 · answer #1 · answered by Lotus 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you need some lessons in Presentation and timing.
It's how you say it (delivery), when you say it (timing) and where you say it (location)
First of all... I'm sure you have nothing but good intentions... however, most women are a little touchy if they feel they're being told they are not good housekeepers...
So what you probably should have done was take her out to dinner/lunch, etc.. or just on a date and let her know how much you enjoy going out with her and would love to have more down time together.. then thank her (praise her) for all of her hard work around the home and with the children. Then you ease into telling her... "I want you to relax a little more because you do so much with the kids and our home... how would you feel about having a maid come in to take some of that load off your back?" Or... "Darling, I want to do something special for you by...." because you deserve the best... Or, "Honey... I want to spoil you by......" You get the picture?
In other words... be kind, compassionate, sensitive and caring... before, making a suggestion that would have her think you are questioning her housekeeping skills.
This method also works well in other areas too...
It's not a good idea to tell her something like that when you've noticed the house is a hot mess or everything is seems a bit upside down and definitely out of order.
It may sound silly, but seriously... timing and the way you deliver your idea/proposal is very key.
If the shoe were on the other foot and she felt you didn't pay enough attention to things that needed repair around the house (for example)... I don't think you'd like to hear her making suggestions about it after a long hard stressful day at work.
Got that?..... Good!.. now work it out!
2006-08-25 15:32:09 · answer #2 · answered by 247 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think the suggestion was an insult as much as I think she took offense to the way you suggested it. You seem like a level headed guy, so go back and talk to her with a little sympathy. make it seem like the maid is a gift. Reassure her that you appreciate all that she does and know that her time is spent doing more important things and you wanted to give her a break from some of the less important responsibility, like tedious chores.
If you make it seem like a good idea, or even her idea, chances are it'll end this situation all together. Just be carefull in what you wish for. Sometimes a clean house isn't always the answer to your problems.
2006-08-25 15:29:53 · answer #3 · answered by Hollynfaith 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Perhaps it wasn't *what* you said, but the context in which you said it that made her take offense? In itself, your suggestion is NOT offensive, but a sensible one. I can't imagine NOT having a maid - both my fiancé and I are working, he likes the house to be clean, and I have NEVER been a good housekeeper (a weakness that I freely admit to). Getting a maid was actually my idea, I hired one after we moved in together, there was no way I was going to clean a 4 bedroom house. I feel that your wife is resentful towards you for what she perceives as you questioning her abilities as a housekeeper; it's s touchy subject for some women. Don't be confrontational about it, but perhaps bring it again, and explain that you're only trying to help and that you appreciate everything she does around the house. I don't know if maybe she feels generally unappreciated, without you even realizing it - and the argument about keeping the house clean is just adding insult to injury? Try to figure out what the source of her resentment is, ask her. I can't imagine her not listening if you're patient and understanding about it.
2006-08-25 15:28:57 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don;t be unsensitive. She doesn't see this as a solution, but rather of a way of you stepping back and not taking responsability of doing your part helping her.
Make a chore list and stick to it. She wants you to ackowledge that she does a lot and needs your help, not your criticism. Taking care of a pre-schooler and and infant at the same time is very challenging. When the oldest goes to kindergarden it will be much better.
As an experiment, I would suggest that you send your wife to the beauty salon or a spa, and you sit in the house all day with your baby and perschooler. Probally then you will unedrstand that in between fixing bottles, changing diapers, going to the park, paying the bills, get groceries, go to doctor apointments, reading nursery rhymes, burping, discipling, doing laundry and fixing dinner there is little or no time for dusting or mopping.
Good luck
2006-08-25 15:22:48 · answer #5 · answered by Blunt 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
the problem is not what you said just how you said it, see even though this is NOT what you said she is still HEARING "you are obviously not a good house keeper, hire someone who knows what they're doing so the house is not a sty anymore"
what you need to say is as follows (verbatim if possible):
honey, i know you have your hands full with the kids and i'm stressed from work , it seems like we are both to drained to get to a lot of things around the house. i was thinking that maybe it would take some of the pressure off of both of us if we just had someone come in a couple of times a week to tweak things a bit and take care of the things we don't have time for, because i think you have enough to HAVE to put up with , between me and the kids and i hate seeing you stressed out over the messes the kids are always leaving for you to deal with. would it be okay with you if i called a couple of agencies to find someone, i know it would make me worry less if the chores around the house are causing you to spread yourself too thin.
i love you and i just worry about you having too much on your plate sometimes, it really would ease my mind a lot.
2006-08-27 01:00:00 · answer #6 · answered by ~Princess*Bonkers~ 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She sounds overly sensitive to me. I am anal about cleanliness as well. Maybe she's stressed out with the kids and needs a slight break. Make a reservation at a spa for her for the day and while she's gone, have a cleaning service in. Also, get a sitter for the evening and have a romantic dinner prepared for her when she gets back from the spa. Spend some time reassuring her that you love her and want to do more to help her.
2006-08-25 15:16:06 · answer #7 · answered by Enough 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Just explain to her that you understand the situation and having someone come in a couple of days a week would give you both more free time together and with the kids. Make sure she knows this is not anything against her...just a helpful suggestion since both of you are so busy
2006-08-25 15:20:11 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Find a trustworthy house cleaner. Get a babysitter. Take her to dinner and a movie while the house is being cleaned. When you come back she will feel better, and the surprise will be the house id clean. Then say it is because “I love you”.
She probably does need a break!
2006-08-25 15:17:15 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Go out and hire the maid yourself. The day she shows up have her hand your wife a card from you that you bought that says something like " I love you always and with 2 babies in the house I know you have your hands full. And although I could help more in the cleaning.......... I would rather help more with OUR children, so I hired a maid to come and help us be able to help eachother with our children and help us be together more. I love you and I hope you like your surprise for US". She wouldn't be angry, she would be happy and pleasently surprised.......... But hold your end of the bargain and HELP with your children. BLessed be.
2006-08-25 15:18:36 · answer #10 · answered by shy&gental 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
maybe she wants you to help not a maid. I get tired of cleaning up after my two sons & my husband and work a 45 hours work week. I am afriad to ask for his help maybe she is afraid to ask for your help. do you help out any around the house? I don't mean outside stuff but like dishes, laundry, supper, kids? Do you think you could more if you already do? Does she work? Do you?I am not trying to be insulting but answer in my point of view.
2006-08-25 15:17:00 · answer #11 · answered by staxi 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋