My pet raccoon ate my sneaker! How can i prevent this?

Question

One stormy, clear day in Antartica, Ohio i was combing my ear bristles when a crazed man eating clams (salted of course) ATTACKED ME!!!! He threw tissues, wall paper and mustard tarts at me! I used my sister as a shield when he used fire and now she uses an iron lung (well she did eat my sugar, brick bomb cereal). The wild man kicked my dog when it protected me and it lay in agony as it twitched freverntly. I then used its fur as a mat to scare away the man. He ran away and I went to buy ice cream..... ummmm where am i....what are these letters i am..t..y..p..i...n...g??//!2039m? OMG HES BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 1

Where am you? You are everywhere. You have a wonderful imagination. BUT you'll have to keep diligently working on the insanity index to get the score up. Good job. keep up the good work. Life is WAY too short to take seriously
D.

Answer 2

You must summon a huge vat of custard to fall upside down from heaven onto the tiny head of the raccoon, which will then spend eternity licking and slurping up the sweet eggy goodness from its tattered matted fur. This is possible only by evoking the dwarf Thrash by use of a simple magick circle of sea salt and earwig dropping. Barring that, I'd buy a different brand of sneaker. As for you, you should definitely keep on smoking whatever it is you're smoking.

Answer 3

I'd signal the ombusman from Turkey to free ducks used to make foie gras.

Answer 4

if you beat the raccoon to death with a shovel and a pair of chop sticks, he will no longer eat your sneakers.

Answer 5

you take a stick and beat him. until he learn the lesson

Answer 6

Sleep with your shoes on.

Answer 7

why the hell do you have a pet raccoon?

Answer 8

Say no to crack...

Answer 9

lol

Answer 10

ah...random!