Just found out my husband...?

Question

has become friends with a female on his job. He never told me about her. He once told me that this female has problems with her marriage, but I had no idea this was his new "friend". Well yesterday I found out that he has been talking with her on the phone often...and even send ALOT of text messages to her throughout the day. Everyday he erase all his text messages and never mentioned he's become good friends with her. I feel he has been hiding and lying to me..and I'm hurt. He said the only reason he did not tell me is..what he thought my reaction would be. I guess because I'm so honest about everything...it hurt he couldn't be honest with me. I'm sure her husband has no clue she talks with my husband and send him messages throughout the day. So anyway my question is...Should I feel hurt? He has been lying and keeping things from me for 2 months now. He don't think his "friendship" is a problem. I mean I don't even know this woman. HELP please tell me what you think.

Answer 1

it was wrong to keep you in the dark about his friendship with this woman in the first place...it hurts more if your husband doesn't trust you, i know...

But you need to calm down first and give him the benefit of doubt...it wont be proper to jump to any conclusion if he says there isn't anything to it. But, well, don't take your relationship for granted...that's the reason you two are together in the first place right? Keep it going, coz if you felt this way it indicates that you feel something is missing. Try to find it out and work things out with your husband.

Also, have a good conversation with him, letting him know how much he means to you...it may sound a little weird saying it, but trust me, people do like to hear it!

And finally, good luck...

Answer 2

My EX HUSBAND was the same way. My reply to him was "How am I supposed to feel if I am not hurt?" He couldn't answer the question and he told me that is why he never told me. I felt if there was nothing more to the relationship other than friendship he wouldn't have hid it for so long. I do feel that I had every reason to be hurt and even upset. It made me realize that I was the only one being honest in my relationship and to me I could forgive almost anything but I found it hard to believe anything he told me later since he had lied to me about something that he said meant nothing. If the relationship didn't mean anything why would he lie about it and try so hard to hide it. I had aquired many male friends and co-workers and I was always open and honest about them. My best friend is a man. We have been friends since grade school but once I got married we didn't talk as much because he didn't want my husband to feel like he was an intruder and he told me that no man that I would ever be in a relationship would ever understand how we were only friends for so long without having done anything. My friend was right. I have encountered that with every relationship since my ex husband and I just have to make a stand for my friendship. If your husband isn't being completely honest with you it signifies that there may be issues that you aren't even aware of at bay. That was the case in my marriage and I THOUGHT that we were happy. He never showed any signs of being unhappy but that was a wake up call and we ended the marriage. After we filed for divorce he said he had made a mistake and I told him I did too by marring him and thinking that we were happy for so long. The divorce was the best thing that came out of that marriage. I hope that everything works out for you...you have to trust your heart on this one.

Answer 3

When your husband can not be honest with you, there is something wrong. If he is concerned with how you will react, then he could be hiding something. I have recently gone through the same thing. My husband was confiding in a woman at work about issues at home but not talking to me about the issues, for fear of my reaction. It would also worry me if they are talking by phone and text messaging so often during the day. Ask yourself, how is your marriage doing? It is likely if this woman is talking with your husband about her issues, that he is doing the same with your issues. Now that you know about all the conversation they have been having, does he still erase text messages? I don't want to get you totally discouraged, as you may have nothing to worry about. The best think is communication right now with your husband. This is the thing I was lacking with mine. Feel free to send me a message to chat more...as our situations seem so similar.

Answer 4

okay! You two are married he has a moral obligation to absolutely be honest with you. If it is only a friendship then he should have nothing to hide right or does he? He is not looking at this from your point of view, You have every reason to feel hurt, when you decide to commit your life to someone that means that there is certain common ground that you two always walk on. lately he has been playin by his own rules. It does not matter what so ever what this lady is going through. You come first and if he doesn't agree then unfortunately you are gonna have to reevaluate the morals that you thought he brought to your marriage. It is never okay for a grow married man to befriend a grow women. whether it is her or even him there obviously something more going on here then he wants to admit.You need to demand that this end or you will reach out to the women yourself and ask her what her intentions are with your husband. for all you know since he has been lying she may have a different story than he is leading on. Married or not men sometimes just aren't that bright when it come to matters of the heart.

Answer 5

I can understand both of you. Yes, he should have been honest about this. But then again, he knows you and probably wanted to avoid a conflict. Of course it was stupid and hurtful of him to lie about this, especially since lies always surface - sooner or later. He should have been aware that when you find out you will think that he kept it from you because he was trying to hide something. It's quite possible that he isn't hiding anything. But he should learn that in a marriage honesty and trust are a must. And you should consider why he feels the need to hide these kind of things. Ask yourself: how would you have reacted if he had told you. Would you have understood or would you have been hurt still, suspecting that there's more behind it than just friendship.

Answer 6

This is is a warning bell that you should hear. It hurts for your husband to cheat on you but it hurt even more if he has an emotional relationship. And you have every right to feel hurt because he has betrayed your trust.

However, this could be a sign of an underlying problem. It seems that your husband is looking for an emotional relationship. Have you guys been communicating? And when I said communicating, it's not talking about kids, the household etc. When did you guys go out and have a romantic date and just talk about each other? If you guys are not doing this, he might just crave the attention. I suggest visiting a marriage counsellor to see if you guys can talked it out.

My prayers are with you sister...

Answer 7

YES, it's a problem. I don't think *you* yourself have ANY friends whom you text all throughout the day, or talk on the phone all the time. This kind of involvment is not "friendship" - what a lame excuse. He's been lying to you - if it was truly a "friendship" and not a big deal, he would not have been hiding it. This is not to say that a married man and a married woman can't be friends; people form friendships in a work environment. But really... unless you're a bored teenager, NO ONE texts their friends all the time, duh. There IS a problem, and you're right to call him on it.

Answer 8

Well I think in order to achieve peace of mind, you may want to arrange a meeting with this woman. Tell your husband that because you are married, his friends should also be your friends, then meet her and see what she is like.
If she is about 20 years old and blonde then you might have reason to start freaking out, but at least if you meet, then he cant lie to her about not havign a wife, because you would have met already.....
I had a problem once with a girlfriend who tried pulling that crap on me, and it ends up she was sleeping with the guy right under my nose, and everyone else except I knew about it....I was too trusting.....not anymore Im not! Well her as s is gone so no more worries, she can sleep around and get all the STDs she wants now

Answer 9

He's screwing around on you or at least is close to it. Why else would he delete those messages? If he'd be willing to show you those messages and prove that there's nothing going on then you could feel secure but there are too many clues pointing to him at least getting emotionally involved with her. You most definitely should feel hurt and he needs to make this up to you and prove to you that your trust has not been misplaced. If they're such good friends then have her over for dinner. See how they react towards each other in person. Or just drop by over lunch. Its not a bad thing for a man to be just friends with a woman. The bad thing is if he's lying to you about any part of then there is something he is ashamed of.

Answer 10

Anytime a husband "keeps" anything from his wife there is a reason. Are you OK knowing that he keeps a relationship with another woman from you. This is only what you know of at this time. Of course he was conserned about what your reaction would be. Duh! Hire a private eye and ease your mind if nothing then hallaluya! But.. if there is hanky panky going on you will need the evidence in court to hang his sorry self. Remember there are still states where Allienation of Affection laws still can be brought against someone who tries or does cause the affection of your spouse to end and this is worth looking into. Get up, Go right now and find out about private eyes and there fees. Go, Go On!