Eternally angry... how can I help my fiance lighten up and enjoy life?

Question

My wonderful fiance works extremely hard, in addition to helping our friends and neighbors with various problems. He is a giving wonderful human being with a great sense of humor and a staggering intellect. Everyone adores him, as do I. The problem, and what no one else sees, is that he is constantly angry and down in the dumps. He lets small inconveniences ruin his day and blows things way out of proportion. Example: he threw a fit last week because it was raining on a day that we had planned to BBQ with the neighbors. "Why does this sh!t always happen to me!!?" He screamed. Now, our life is pretty darn good in comparison to others, but I don't want to belittle his feelings or make him feel like he doesn't have a right to feel stressed out. But all the screaming and bitterness are really getting to me. I'm concerned about having children with a man who can't seem to find any joy in life. How can I help him appreciate life? Any serious advice would be appreciated.

Answer 1

Oh, can I ever relate to this! My husband has the identical problem. He allows little things to blow out of proportion, then rants and cusses 'til I can't stand it anymore!!

What I try to do (when I absolutely cannot ignore it) is say to him that it's a waste of his energy to get upset about things beyond his control (the weather, traffic, bad drivers, etc.) Save being upset for big things that really matter/make a difference. I know you're "supposed" to ignore rants and just try to laugh them off, but sometimes it's just not possible.

I tell him that (and I read this in an article on how to enjoy life more)if you lower your expectations, that not only will you be less stressed but that when you do have a really great day, it'll mean more. I think some people just expect everything to always run smoothly and be perfect, and that's totally unrealistic.

Hope this helps! I understand your concern regarding marriage/children w/this man. My husband acts more ridiculously immature than either of our kids (15 and 21 yr. olds) and they even think so!!

Good luck!

Answer 2

After scanning thru the other answers, I thought I'd add another side to this picture. Quite often men who turn out to be abusers are the ones who appear to all of the outside world to be a "wonderful human being with a great sense of humor and a staggering intellect." These are the men who are angry and hostile behind closed doors. Right now he can control himself to a degree, but once you are married with the added stress that children bring to the picture he may not be as capable of controlling his temper. You and possibly your children may be in danger.

From what I read from your question, it is not that he doesn't appreciate life - it is that he wants to control life and when he can't he gets angry and then can't control himself. Hopefully age and time will mature him, but I would be very wary to marry a man with such little self control concerning the little things.

As an added note - when he whines "Why me?" just ask him - Why not you?

Answer 3

He needs another outlet. Really, he's hurt and has so much built up that he can't take the small annoyances in life. You know him...what could make him eternally angry? What do you think could have caused this horrible build up of anger? It doesn't seem intentional, it seems as though there is a trigger to his unhappiness. Something in his life must have not gone his way and now when things don't go the way he expected, he doesn't know what else to do about it....so he blows up. Kinda of like a child, he shows his anger and disgust in private rather than in public. A lot of kids are nice little angels in public(some not all)then at home is when the attitude is shown. I'm sure he's not the type to sit and talk, he's all ready proven that to you, so open up his eyes! I think someone else said, casually let him know what this is doing to him, you, his daily lifestyle. I bet he's not very healthy uh?

Answer 4

Somehow you have to make him sit down and look around. Give examples... of couples that have problems. Big or small. Children in this world have nothing to eat, what happens to him it's a small thing compared to what others are going through.

I have the same problem with my husband, he always wants more, he wants a bigger house, a BMW. We have a very good life. we don't have to worry about what we're going to eat tomorrow, if you're going to have money for gas, we can go on vacations to Europe... I point all these things out and tell him the devil is not as black as he thinks he is... He lightens up and says I'm right, he should appreciate more what he's got.

Try that, hope it works! Good luck to you, my dear!

Answer 5

I feel for you. My fiance's son is the same way. I try this approach with him, and it may work for you. When he starts screaming, "Why me..." I always tell him, " It is not just you who is affected by ..." Then try to soften that by saying something positive about the situation. Something like the rain and the BBQ. " It may be rainiing outside, but there are other things we could be doing because it is raining," then give him a sheepish grin.

Alot of times people just need to be redirected from the cause and see there are positives to every negative. Keep trying to show him the silver lining. Eventually, he will be like, "You are always so positive when..." Then just tell him, "In the great picture of life, this really isn't that important."

Good luck

Answer 6

Jessica My best-friend once looked at me and said " I have spent 5 years changing my husband for the better" about five years later she announced she is considering a divorce shocked by this I asked "but why" her answer "HE"S JUST NOT THE MAN I MARRIED" with that said my husband is alot like your fiance he takes everything so personal he enjoys helping people giving advice then gets mad when they don't take his advice or abuse his help the slightest thing goes wrong he goes off in a tizzy Well it is part of him you won't change it all you can do is let him have his snits Joke about them when you can but the best advice I can give you is Don't add input during these tizzies let him blow off steam it will usually pass if he asks for your opinion in the middle of it use your best judgment sometimes its easier at that time to just smile and say yes dear than to escalate the situation to the point he feels you to are against him It took me 9 years of patience but what finally help us was we started to go to church got into a real good bible class and made and out ting of grocery shopping on Sunday after church it sounds stupid but we have learned to talk to each other

Answer 7

the reality is that stress and anxiety left unattended will cause depression and anger. this is an all too common problem, especially currently, the world situation being what it is, plus the usual pressures of life. once a certain level of stress has built up in the person, something seemingly innocuous will set them off. short answer---he must be destressed through using stress reduction techniques, and then work each day with appropriate methods to remain destressed. the alternative is a worsening of his physical and emotional/mental well being. i would recommend regular exercise and acupuncture plus homeopathic and herbal remedies, as opposed to western medications with their ominous side effects. his case is NOT unusual at all, and action must be taken for his well being. doing nothing is not a good idea. how you will approach him with this i don't know, since defensiveness and over reaction to perceived "criticism" would not be a surprising response to your overtures to him in the matter. in any event a *calm* discussion would be ideal--you must figure out how to accomplish this. best of luck!

Answer 8

You shouldn't be concerned about having children with him, you should be concerned about walking down that aisle. Trust me, you don't want to jump the gun and get married. I have the same problems as you (but I am married) and I can tell you that it will get progressively worse if he doesn't try to help himself by learning some self-control. He does sound like a good guy but remember that a man's character is shown when noone is watching. Good luck!!

Answer 9

I know that's a really difficult situation to be in. First thing is I would sit down with him and let him know that his negativity is effecting you. Try not to be blaming or guilt tripping, just let me him know that you really love and care for him, but his attitudes are really upsetting for you. If he loves you, he will be concerned that he is hurting you, even if its in a small way. Maybe try and work with him, and get him talk more about the positive things going on in your lives.

But honestly, there might be something else really bothering him, and this is how its manifesting itself. I would try getting him to talk about what is really making him angry, when he's not in an angry mood.

Answer 10

I would be scared to give my life to someone with that kind of temper. If he is doing it now I can't imagine what kind of things he could do when problems come up in a marriage. He may be nice on the outside but he seems like he has some anger/depression problems.