I have no sex drive.... WHY?

Question

I've been married for 5 years, we love each other very much, EXCEPT I have no desire for sex. I very much want this desire, i'm attracted to him, I dont think of other men, and i am not a lesbian!!! I just have no desire. Is there a vitamin supplement I can take? We've tried just about everything. No roll playing, lingerie, or porn worked. I feel my husband and I are desirable, he shows me a great deal of affection, how can i return this love??? Please help!

Answer 1

First, there may be medical conditions which are suppressing your normal sex drive. If it's been a while since you had a check-up, schedule one with your doctor or gynecologist and mention this to them.

Second, new evidence (see the Sources field for a link) has been published which suggests that it is very common for women to lose their sex drive when they are in a stable relationship. (To which millions of married guys shout, "Tell us something we didn't already know!")

Naturally, there is a great deal of controversy surrounding the study's conclusions about WHY women lose their sex drive in secure relationships. But the findings are fairly conclusive about WHAT happens: sex drive in women drops by half within the first year and by 75% or more within four.

So... it may well mean that there's nothing wrong with you. Perhaps more important, it may ease your husband's mind to learn that there's nothing wrong with HIM and that you don't love him any less.

The problem is, however, that men report little or no loss of interest in sex for decades, leading to a conflict -- how to achieve a balance of sexual activity that works for both of you?

I don't have any scientific study to back this up, but we have found something that works for us. Background: married 27 years, three children; both had VERY high sex drives for the first two years, settling into regular and satisfying sex for another four or five; had our first child after 8 years of marriage and our last child almost 9 years later. During the childbearing years her sex drive dropped after each child, of course, and understandably; however, after recovering from childbirth her sex drive was STILL lower than before. I took this badly, thinking it was something I'd done or something she was hiding from me. We had a lot of conflict over this... until recently.

About two years ago, we spent several weeks inquiring into the difference between sex and intimacy -- what is intimate for us? What is sexy? Where do they come together, where do they overlap, and where are they separate? What do we get out of being intimate, compared to what we get out of having sex?

It's been VERY rewarding for us. Among other things, my wife has learned that sexual activity as a part of intimacy -- not in exchange for, not instead of, not at the end of, but as an integral part of it -- is very rewarding for her, even if she doesn't have the need for sex as often as I do; it's still an expression of our closeness and our relationship and it gives her pleasure. My own sexual needs are being fulfilled, and I've learned to take GREAT comfort and reward in being intimate, physically and emotionally, even on days when sex isn't part of the picture.

And when we do have the need for sexual release -- which I do about four or five times as often as my wife does, and that seems to be statistically about right according to the study I referenced -- we're there for each other, because we have such a strong, loving and intimate relationship. If she really needs a night off, I'll scratch her back, rub her feet, or just lie close to her while we watch old movies, because I've learned that being close and loving to her when she's tired or just needs to rest pays off BIG time after she has the chance to feel restored by a nice backrub and a good night's sleep. And when she needs sexual release of her own (which happens more frequently than before when sex was a source of stress for us, if still less frequently than I need the release)... wow.

Or I guess to sum it up -- if role playing, lingerie and porn have failed, have you tried having sex because you like each other and you want to be happy together?

It's working for us...

Answer 2

if you are on birth control pills that can cause a hormonal embalance.If you are overly stressed that can cause lack of sex drive also.I have went through this and still do.I got a serum at wal mart called always thats suposed to make ou more sensitive down there.Try planning a romantic night with yuor husband and see where things go if that dosent work i would call your dr

Answer 3

Many thing affect your sex drive. Age, attraction, experiences, or even diet. Have you ever had really good sex? What was your most memorable sexual experience? If you have never had really good sex, seek medical advice. Seriously. You may have a condition like a flattened clitoris or even an inverted clitoris.

Answer 4

if you are on the pill that can take away your sex drive. try going off the pill. Also try masturbating. Masturbating 2 or 3 times a week can raise a womans sex drive.

Answer 5

Do you feel good about yourself? getting enough sleep, diet. Exersize may help. Maybe hormones, depression, lack of energy, resentment in relationship, boredom. Having kids. Could be anything.

Answer 6

Are you on any medication that may be interfering with your sex drive? I think all women go through dry spells. Just keep loving eachother..... This too shall pass :)

Answer 7

You need to discuss this with your doctor. There could be a medical reason. You doc can give you meds that may help also. Good luck to you.

Answer 8

I think your condition might be mental, just find a way to relax before you play....listen to Luther Vandross, Barry White or Sade ...it works

Answer 9

Just Do It. Practice Makes perfect. Soon, you will find that you enjoy it again.

Answer 10

you are sad.
maybe you married someone you love as a friend but have no physical attraction to.