Fortune in the hall.
Frolicking makes me waste years.
Never calling, always hurt.
Man in the garden.
Leave us alone!
Mother never let me play with my torch
under cover - under the covers
soiled forever.
No genie with lights for me now
Come into the water
All are welcome
Absurdities of my id
Seasons fall & I am weak
Why,
Noble man with no soul
You shall see heaven before we fail. Cockles. Lady washing.
My heart sank as you left.
Boundless time I serve only her.
2006-08-25 05:16:59 · 25 answers · asked by Hattori Hanzo 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Other - Arts & Humanities
Stick to making wicked swords for sexy ladies to go around killing everone for revenge !!
No, seriously...I THINK IT'S REALLY GOOD ...in a complex kind of way, you have talent, I honestly think I got it ..had to read it a couple of times, but I really do like it .
2006-08-25 05:27:20 · answer #1 · answered by Paris69 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't like it all in all. It's a little dry.
Now I will say why. Don't get me wrong, you have some skill, I can see that. There are some nice parts in it. Like "No genie in the light for me now/ Come into the water/All are welcome/Absurdities of my id/Seasons fall & I am weak
/Why, /Noble man with no soul/You shall see heaven before we fail." This part is a really interesting interesying part with a lot of interesting word asociations. But, in my opinion you ruin it all with: "Man in the garden./Leave us alone!/Mother never let me play with my torch
/under cover - under the covers" and "Cockles. Lady washing." Probably these images have segnificance to you, but they don't have any to us. Plus the words are, how shall I say... Unelegant.
So all in all you have something like a beautiful painting that someone threw a bucket of red paint on it. Remove those parts, add some more like the other ones you created and you have a really classy poem. ;)
2006-08-25 05:26:19 · answer #2 · answered by Firefly 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I found no purpose or objective to the prose. Transition is lost through jumbled thoughts you've expressed. It's all right to think in such a way, but to put them down in writing there must be organized ideas for the benefit of the reader.
Meanwhile, concentrate on using correct grammar as it relates to prose and poetry. Ampersands aren't correct to use in such writing.
I suggest rewriting and give purpose to it rather than conveying to the reader a jumble of thoughts.
2006-08-25 05:33:37 · answer #3 · answered by Guitarpicker 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Interesting. Why not write a happy poem because when i read this it makes me feel sad. It isn't the best feeling I'd like to be put through while reading a poem. And you could try to write more affective words and put more enthusiasm into the poem. It is just a bit boring.
2006-08-25 05:29:03 · answer #4 · answered by A.Prinz 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It was a little hard to follow. I mean the wording was quite beautiful, but each line had not that much to do with the next. I'm not a professional critic, but that's just what I think.
2006-08-25 05:22:21 · answer #5 · answered by Short and sweet 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
And Vogon poetry is supposed to be bad!
(Hitchhikers Guide to the Galexy by Douglas Adams).
2006-08-25 05:34:57 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wicked
2006-08-25 05:20:11 · answer #7 · answered by wiz 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Do you know who your namesake was? I mean the real one, not the retired swordmaker in "Kill Bill". I've had poems published. They are in Japanese and in Chinese. I haven't tried any in English. You have much work if you want to be a good poet. It's not as easy as it looks.
2006-08-25 05:29:11 · answer #8 · answered by miyuki & kyojin 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
XXXXXXXXXX wow, your creativity is amazing. I can't understand why everyone doesn't get the logic of this poem. It's astonishing and should be published. Try poetry.com,It's a free site, you may win big bucks or have your poem published. XXXXXXXXXXXXX
2006-08-25 05:26:11 · answer #9 · answered by asoldierswife 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
youre really talented in a raw unconventional bohemian way-get published and recognised as it is clear the poem reveal your complex phyche and brandish your combwebbed mind and soul
2006-08-25 05:21:58 · answer #10 · answered by Chunkylover53 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋