Does marriage eventually lead to losing your close friendships?

Question

So 7 of my closest friends will be going to Vegas to celebrate a bachelorette party (that I organized) and I don’t get to go because my husband who is usually cool about me hanging with the girls thought this was over the limit. He is taking me on vacation instead and I’m happy with that..Since in the back of my mind, I know the Vegas trip would have been over the top and caused problems. BUT a little part of me feels like I’m missing out on something. These girls were my sorority sisters and we have done everything together for the past 6 years. I feel that they may start considering me the boring married girl now. Somewhat of an outcast. Does this eventually happen after getting married? Should just accept it?

Answer 1

Great question.

The important thing is to not feel resentful about any of the inevitable alterations and changes in your individual circles of friends. This is tricky because those friendships will evolve and change as the friends all get older together. The focus of your life at 35 will not be the same as it was at 25, nor will it be the same at 45 as it was at 35. Your adventures together with friends will change, but they should still be adventures!

Personally I think an innocent Vegas trip, even if it involves Chippendales or flirtation, would not bother me. I'm assuming that it wouldn't bother you if he went to a bachelor party involving strippers either? In my mind, it's downright silly to think of these kind of adventures as increasing the likelihood of infidelity. Face it, if anyone is going to cheat they'll usually do it with as few witnesses as possible and lack of Vegas trips or stripper parties definitely does NOT mean lack of opportunities for unfaithfulness.

My only advice is to make sure that you each recognize the other's needs for friendships and activities outside of the marriage, and that you strike a balance that you both feel is fair. If you give up surfing time because he doesn't enjoy it or he gives up golf because you don't, you will both come to resent that "sacrifice". It shouldn't be a sacrifice, it should be a gift of time freely given, and if you can both figure out and TALK about your needs for individual time and space you won't be building resentments and tension in the marriage.

How many couples have a relationship where each one feels that they have "sacrificed so much..." for the other? Those relationships are, IMHO, the time bombs waiting to explode.

So enjoy your friendships! Ask about what he does and doesn't resent in terms of your individual activities and try to talk things through. But don't start resenting and accumulating at this stage if you want a long and happy relationship.

Answer 2

marriage requires sacrifice. going to Vegas is a wild thing for single people, you have no business there unless he gets to come and at least take a friend and be down there when you get home at night. and how much fun would that be for him? plus he's not invited and he probably doesn't want to go.
it's time to grow up and put the sorority sisters party time behind you. those days are past, you can relive them when you get together once in a while. it's just a part of life like turning to a new chapter in a book. totally normal. the people who want to party forever and ever are the ones you have to question. perhaps you girls can have a 20th anniversary get-together somewhere nice and you will all have a lot to share, that will give you something to look forward to.
you sound content in most ways, this is just a bit too much. if it were local I'm sure he'd say go ahead. How would you like it if he went on a party trip with his old buddies to Vegas and didn't take you.
you'll get over it. try not to think of it and enjoy your vacation with your husband. but get the juicy details from the girls when they get back!!! ;-)

Answer 3

Well, you're right. There is a sacrifice made when one gets married -- not even because either partner is trying to make demands for the other, but simply because (1) the marriage becomes the primary relationship and (2) there is only a limited amount of time/energy in one's life to devote to one's relationships.

Both parties make a commitment to make the other spouse a higher priority than other relationships, at least in terms of how time and resources are spent, which needs are met first, and so on.

In addition, some of the roles that your friends played in your life (as your closest relationships) are now being played by your husband, and vice versa.

I remember mentioning to my best friend when he married that I was very happy for him... and a little jealous simply in the sense that the role I had played was now given to someone else. I knew up front that his ultimate priority and time needed to be committed to his wife, and we wouldn't talk or see each other as much as we had. (And vice versa.)

I think you proceeded overall in a good way here -- you took your husband's feelings into account, and then you weighed things out for yourself, and you both came up with the same practical answer (i.e., that the trip wouldn't be the best thing for you to do right now, even though you did want to do it, organized it, and missed not seeing your friends).

You do sound a little unsure, though -- as if you could see there were practical issues, but that perhaps the issues should have been changed rather than your plans. Maybe your husband should have let you go; it's hard to tell his motivations (was it primarily just seven women getting together in Vegas -- too wild for him? :) ) or was it something more substantial?

Sometimes it will be feasible and even good to go off with your girlfriends and give your husband some time apart from you. While the marriage is a priority, sometimes spouses need time apart as well, especially to bring back new experiences to the table and retain their individuality and past. [After all, you had a life before your mearriage, and these are your friends. So you do have a past to "honor."]

I would just say to not have a blanket answer to these sorts of things, but follow the same thinking process as you progress with your relationships. You need to play things by ear and assess them each time, to make the best decision.

Meantime, as more of your friends marry, the feelings of "outcast" might fade some because EVERYONE will have a commitment that overrides the get-togethers. It's just part of moving on in life. (Ironically, single people often feel outcast as they age, because all of their friends are married and are having kids -- and they have no one left to be with.)

Anyway, enjoy the vacation with your husband, and keep in touch with your friends to find out how the celebration went. :)

Answer 4

Yes, marriage does alter your friendships. This is something I'm dealing with right now. If those girls related to you by partying, then it will difficult to have much of a relationship with them in the future. If there are some of them that you have related to on other more meaningful levels, then you should try to maintain your relationships with them. You can meet them sometimes at more casual settings. And phone and email can be utilized too. It just takes more work.

And yes, when you have kids you'll feel this way even more.

Answer 5

Marriage doesn't end your friendships, it changes your friendships.

It is important that you move forward with your life and focus more on your relationship with your husband.

The trip to Vegas sounds much more like an excuse to party then anything else. I can understand his concern.

You have the phone, email and text messaging to keep in contact. And, I am sure once they all begin to get married and have children, the balance will shift and you will not feel so left out.

best

cez

Answer 6

It will if you love your husband more than your party girls. If you know things would get over the top on the Vegas trip, why would you even think about it. It is much more pleasant to have a romantic time with your man.

Answer 7

I've Married 3 times and every time this kind of thing happens. Single people are out for the fun of it and married people are out for the love of each other. But don't you worry, it's more fun being together. Have a GREAT trip with your husband.

Answer 8

Yes, as you mature and your life changes (and marriage is a change), then you change in your friendships and they are based more on your current life rather than you past. It does not mean you lose those close friendships from the past, for they will be there always, but it may be less close, because your life now requires you to have a different life focus.

Answer 9

You don't have to lose your best friends because you are married. Especially not when you all have been doing things together for the last 6 years!

You have to find a balance between the time for your family and your friends. If you really wanted to go, I suggest sitting with your husband and telling him how you feel. Let him know how you feel about your "sisters" and how you feel like you are losing them.

For me I personally don't do the things that my husband bid's me not to do, but if it's something that is really important to me - I call a meeting. And we sit, and we talk, and a lot of the times he winds up giving me his blessing to go. But if it's something that he firmly feels it's someplace that I don't need to go, then I don't go. I trust my husbands leadership when it comes to things like that.

So really share your feelings with him, and be opening to hearing his feelings about why he may or may not want you to go.

Blessings To You & Yours

Answer 10

Your letting it happen! The fact that your husband would get upset if you went is ridiculous. Your marriage should have more trust then that. And you went along with it! Wow, I'm sure the girls will eventually stop asking you to go places, not because they see you as an old married woman but because they know you will not be aloud. Sad that you put yourself in this position.