Ex-wife Dilema.?

Question

My husband married his ex-wife becuase she threatened to prevent him from seeing his son. The son passed away as a baby, and basically the woman trapped him with another kid. Of course, she lives in another country, and refused to move here with him at any point, so they never lived together. She uses the kid against him, to force money out of him. She only lets the child speak to him when she hears about money. My hubby and I were just friends when I saw her plot, and tried to show him what I saw. She refuses to allow the child to visit him, and whenever she called to speak to him, she called him all kinds of bad names, including worthless, especially if he told her she'd have to wait. He couldn't have a decent conversation with her, even when it was about the child. So my husband stopped calling ever cause he cannot call to speak to his child without the ex-wife or the ex-wife's mother demanding money. I have now stepped in as the middle person, but I want a solution. Can't stand her

Well, the funny thing, is that she doesnt act like an idiot when she is dealing with me. I handle the finances, so my communication with her is about sending money for the child each month, and also the child's school fee. We do not argue, because I do not encourage it. She lets me talk to the child. It is almost as if, she can deal with a woman. My problem with her is that she keeps asking for sums of money that I suspect she uses for other things. She also does not send pictures of the child, even when she "says" she will. My husband hasnt seen the child in years. All I am trying to do right now, I keep supporting the child, and help my husband to distance himself from the situation. My hope is that eventually the ex will stop being an idiot and allow the child to visit her father. My husband will not go back there because she is going to come at him for money, and he doesnt want that. He wants to spend time with his child and with me, not having to fight so much.

For your information, Blunt, my husband has supported his child without a court order for years. Tell me though, how much does a child need per month? I am from the country where his child lives, and I am very much aware of cost of living, and of buying food, clothes, and other treats and necessity. My husband didnt lay down and get the kid all by himself, and if the child's mother is working, I dont see why we have to send as much as we do. As a matter of fact, I know she is "extorting money" from him. In my opinion the child might as well live with us, if we're going to be paying for every single thing. I often wondered if the mother had a notion that we live in a yard with a money tree.

Jazy, I agree with you to a point. I want my husband to be able to bond with his kid. Right now, I want him to distance himself so that he can get back on his feet. I was not in a parent-child relationship like that, but I didnt get to bond with my dad till I was much older. I am just hoping that in a few years when the child has grown up, and is able to let it be known what she wants, she will be opne to bonding with her father. In this situation, I just think myhusband has a better chance of bonding and developing a great relationship with his daughter if he gives it time and waits until she is older. Only because, I was thankful my dad did that, even though my mom never sabotaged my relationship with him, and she was able to support me all by herself.

First Off, I would like to say thank you all for your advice and encouragement. Thank you ever so much for sharing your own life storis with me.
Two years ago, I encouraged my husband to see an attorney about chld support. The attorney drew up some papers which indicated how much my husband would pay per month, when he would send it, and even what other expenses he is willing to handle. He had to work two jobs before just to send money, but when we got together I halped him, so he was able to quit one job, and we were able to support the child (just a reminder, it's a gorl..the fost child was a boy, but he died).
So the letter said my husband would send $200 per month, plus pay school fees, and take care of books etc. That is a lot less than the $600 per month that he was forced to pay cause the ex-wife kept calling and saying she needs this and that (every week).
My husbadn signed this, and mailed it to the ex-wife, who in turn, rewrote the letter. Here is what it said:

She said that my husband will send her $300 per month, plus pay school fees -a whopping $600 per month, then he would buy books, clothes, and send gifts.

And she added also, that he will only file for the child whe then child has completed high school, and not before. So you can imagine that my husband was not going to agree to her terms, which started a whole new fracass where the woman would call him and leave dreadful messages on his phone, and if he should answer the phone she would curse at him and hang up.

My husband wants his child to grow up in a good environment. He has realized that there is no coming to an agreement with the mother, so he has decided to let go and take care of himself, and continue to support the child. HE has a copy of the letter that he signed and we keep the receipts of the money we send. When I speak to her on the phone, I take notes. I know it is not much inthe way of the law, but it is a start.
Soon the child will grow up, and I am sure she will ask.

Answer 1

Well, it complicates matters (and goes way out of my experience!) that she and the son are living in another country.

Not knowing the country, and not knowing much general international law, it's hard to know what can be done in "standardizing" payments or for your husband to receive legal rights to see his son.

Also not knowing the country of origin, I can't really tell what general "philosophy of life" might be at work in his ex-wife's mind. Countries differ in their gender and marriage expectations, so maybe some of that attitude is at play here as well in her behavior.

Your husband is not responsible for his ex's behavior, but he is complicit in getting involved in her in the first place. I understand she manipulated him; at the same time, he made the decision he thought was best at the time (which is fine) and so not everything has been a total manipulation.

It's quite possible the ex is manipulating and demanding too much money. I'm going to assume she has never remarried or gotten together with someone else, thus moving her own life forward rather than continually coming after your husband. It's possible she is simply passive in taking care of herself and living off your money, sure; but I wouldn't know for sure.

Overall, the situation here really depends on what your husband wants to do. No matter what he decides to do -- pursue his son or decide to move on with your life -- it's going to hurt some and will be a sacrifice. He first needs to decide what his ultimate goal is, and the things you need to do will follow from that.

If he decides to "move on" and focus on you -- his current family -- his ex-wife will have the same trouble legally he has, it will be a real pain for her to try to enforce anything from another country or legally demand money. Aside from some emotional harrassment, I'm not sure how she could stop him from just changing the phone number and refusing to answer any correspondence. (But I know he will probably always think about his son and wonder what happened.)

If he decides to pursue the matter, you'll need some sort of international-experienced lawyer. I'm not sure of the boy's citizenship; some countries, the child has dual citizenship until coming of age, where they must decide primary citizenship (such as with Canada). If he is legally a US citizen, though, things might be easier in some ways -- the law will have some teeth to it, for good or bad.

Your husband does need to decide. By not deciding, he is still deciding -- he's supporting his kid without building any sort of relationship with him [and that's probably the WORST outcome]. He needs to engage. Support him, encourage him, help him to come to a decision he can actually live with daily.

But I wouldn't keep enabling what has been happening. Things need to be resolved one way or the other.

Answer 2

It appears to be all about money. There will never be a time that the child's mother will encourage her child to form a bond with the father. That will have to wait until the kid is an adult. Quit being in the middle, and if there is no court order, quit sending money --- absolutely, positively quit. And make no contact with her. When the kid grows up, he can be told what the truth was, but not now. If in the future, the mother will allow the child to come to visit the father, then support payments may be in order. At this point, end all communication, and for sure, get yourself out of the middle of it.... it is none of your business. Encourage your husband to get the advanatage to swing his way by withholding money. No photos, no conversation, means no money to the mom.... Simple..... So, hon, there is the solution

Answer 3

Ouch well first off I'm sorry its a painful situation to be in. For 3 years I too did that and it was the biggest mistake of my life.

For starters your good intentions of sending the child support are going for naught if there is no formal agreement. She (the ex) can very well recollect all that your giving her if it does not go thru the courts (yes even if you have proof you paid her the judge could consider it a "gift" and not child support, schooling does not count twords it either if you pay that too.) Secondly while your kind to be offering to help hubby, your just enabling him to not be responsible for the situation that HE created. No matter how evil she is (yes I know too well how nasty some can be) he did have sex with her enough to Father not 1 but 2 kids. As hard as it is sooner or later you will realize he wanted to BUT when it came down to paying the price for his mistake he just bailed.

The only way to resolve this is make HIM handle it, its not your responsibility. Hopefully he is willing to take charge of it and ease the burdon on you and your relentionship. Not to mention the fact that if he really wants to see his child and be a good father he should get rights to do so, out of the country or not thier are still laws that protect HIS and the childs rights. The longer this goes on the harder it will get.

Good luck to you both.

Answer 4

Boo Hoo, you husband sounds like a real victim, he was "forced" to have sex and conceive twice... PUHLEAZE! Get real.

The ex is overseas and probally is not getting money from you husband unless she calls. I am not a psychic to be sure that there is no child support agreement because this was done overseas.

ASKING FOR CHILD SUPPORT TO FEED A CHILD IS NOT EXTORTING MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Are you for real???

Get real lady, kids are expensive and they need to be supported. You husband is not a victim of any kind. Don't be naive and stop trying to justify the unjustifyable. He needs to pay up to support his child and if he is "souch a good dad" when was the last time that he went overseas to see him?

Get a reality check sister

Ps/ Yeah, you helping your husband "distance" from the situation is going to help father and son bond..... It's all about the money I see....

Answer 5

First of all you made the wrong choice by stepping in as the middle man.How can you, when you have strong emotions about her that your trying to deal with?That's something to two of them will have to deal with maby in the court system if they haven't already.She's using the kids to keep her own pockets full and he's not understanding why she won't let him speak to them without her.That is why she knows that she is doing.But as I said,this maby something you wan't to think about getting a lawyer for if you haven't already.And you may have to stay your distance because your being apart of it is only adding fuel to the fire.What mans ex.wants to talk to his new wife?Think about it.Let them to work it out in court.Best Wishes.

Answer 6

Being a cosigner just means that she used her credit to back up his loan for the motorcycle.---that is, she guaranteed that those payments would be made---otherwise she would legally be responsible. He is the owner of the motorcycle, so she can't take that away. It sounds like she is concerned about her credit potentially being ruined from his not making payments which could happen. She probably wants her name removed as cosigner and needs to have a judge's order to do so.

Answer 7

Back away. Putting yourself in the middle of this is not going to solve anything or make it better. The ex wants to act like a fool and you're not going to prevent her from doing that.

Answer 8

Why havent you gotten an attorney yet? What she is doing is wrong and is harming the child mentally. Get an attorney and fight for custody!

Answer 9

WELL I DONT SEE A POINT TO CALLING IF U KNOW U CANT TALK TO UR KID I THINK HE NEEDS TO FORGET ABOUT IT ALL. AND GO ON WITH HIS LIFE

Answer 10

I TRIED TO BE AN INTERMEDIATOR BETWEEN MY HUSBAND HIS EX, AND HIS ESTRANGED PARENTS. ALL IT DID WAS BITE ME IN THE A@@. I STAY OUT OF IT NOW AND HAVE NO CONCERN FOR THEM.