My self respect or love towards a wife who deos nt care a bit of hubby.which should i chose?

Question

i am 30 and was staying seperately with my wife. My inlaws are illtreating me with low self esteem and insult me and my parents too on several occassions,even though i am a doctor, my wife too misuses my true love for her and keeps mum on such issues and silently supports her parents by her silence,which only encourages my inlaws and she has left me staying now in her parents house since past 4 months,as i didnt approve of her parents behaviour and attitude towards me, these has been happening since our marriage.we r married since 1 1/2 yrs, though i truely love her, i am not able to come to terms when it comes to my self respect, wat should i do now? desert her? i have 2 good proposals from other suitable alliances, shall i remarry? i have tried to solve the issues by getting elders tof either side together on two occassions but nothing came of it. i have lost hope in everything pls help by sincere advice as i am not able to concentrate on anything..

To add more details for others... i have supported her inspite of her parents not accepting me, (this was an arranged marriage), they have been constantly been insulting me since my engagement which involved some cheap things by inlaws, i wud have broken my engagement then & there,but love was blind and went ahead. NO room for any promiscuity among either of us(i beleive). I am a student doing final yr exam(MD) going now. some instances i wud like to tell here... My inlaws have not welcomed me in their house till now, not even after my marriage from the convention hall after solomnising the marriage, wen my parents cald up them to welcome the newly wedded couple for first time in their house, my inlaws hautily replid" we dont want u" not even once i ws allowed to stay overnight even after insisting on one of my visit soon after. Soon after 1 mnth of marriage, she hd bad health, it was me who lookd after here,none of her parents turned up even aftr informing dem. i have taken care ofher

And..., after continous phone calls,they came in a huff & made a hue & cry at casualty among my collegues, they alleged"wat have u done 2 her?didu kill her? knife her?etc,etc" i just plainly pointed to the senior doctor incharge of her, he just opined of gastric trouble, which she got over and taken by her parents straight from the hosp to their house in middle of night against medical observation. She stayed back at her home, never to come back. i waited for a month, i was missing her real badly, so i mustered up and went to her hopuse and met her dad, he plainly refused to send.she is a B.COM graduate works at a firm(for a paltry sum), i had to run around her and finally convinced to get her back to my house( remember..only 2 of us stay,not my parents,they r very far off 350 kms away).After that,even i was more hurt by de attitude of my inlaws,i told my wife nt to have any more interference from dem,and it was me & she.Soon after i took here to 2 honey moons at a interval of 6 month

We roamed a lot, saw movies, freaked out, we had ocassional interference from inlaws, whenever i had to visit my parents at festivals, it was hell again, she behaved arrogantly, never loved my parents, who were very caring bcos she is eldest daug-in-law, she always distanced herself,couple of times she gave back a curt reply, on getting close to her.It was hell,hell,hell, All the time i was giving her love, i used to pick & drop her at office, ignoring her attitude. She is not a good cook too,she never wanted to learn,even after my mom volunteering to teach cooking.i eat watever she prepares. On her suggestion,we decided to have baby, and she conceived too,on getting the news to her parents, they cald up my faraway parents and spoke very rudely and hautily,on enquiring about this, she swore on pic of god .they never done a call on that particular day&time.my wife never beleived me on this,and stood by her moms words on this issue.i insistd we get info on this at telcom centre together

And it confirmed ,there was indeed a call from her moms house at the time and day she verbally abused and vent her anger. My mom was taken aback by their uncivilized behaviour on phone. Many a time i gathered some elders on either side and tried to resolve issues at her house, my pa-in-law was very arrogant and picked a knife from kitchen at his house and even tried to kill my dad in presence of all elders. Now all the elders opine, "it no use to advice her parents,so u both live without inlaws interference" But it is never so, they always call up her and brainwash my wife. they want only her and not me. But i am surprised, they never turn up when her health gives way, only me ALONE AT HOME is the one who looks afters her. I insist her not to go to office as she was carrying 4 months ago. but wife never listens. She suffered a abortion,mayb due to travelling a fully loaded city bus daily to office. Again it was me, who took care of her. Even this time, on calling up her parents...

they never came to her aid,only after a lot of calls from her office female collegues to her moms house,only her mom came just for a visit and left hospital within 2-3 hrs, (wife was in hospital for abortion) i stayed back at hospital took care by her bedside, paid up hefty bills,(i am a student still and dont have a regular source of income,i had done some part time job and saved some money).My wife wished to go to her mom's place, inspite of all these, and she left the next day along with her dad, picked her clothes and some important things.Since then she is staying there on, never to come back till nowww... i am missing her a lot.I have been eating outside at hotels,etc & having lot of gastric problems now,I had some pain in chest 2 months ago,my collegues took me to a super-speciality hosp,my ECG showed some changes,i am worried now,
i tried to talk & discuss wit her in these seperated 4 months 3-4 times at a park nearby,she never agrees or listens to me. She only gets up& leaves

Pls tell me wat do i do now?????

Answer 1

It is true, that sometimes love just isn't enough. Your wife don't understand that you two are to be one. She must talk with her parents about your relationship considering they think they know so much about you. Your wife is acting like a child by allowing her parents to interfer. You have to discuss this with your wife. You need to find out where she stands. As your wife she should understand, however shes seems too attached to her parents to notice SHE is allowing their behavoir. The disrepect that is shown towards you will eventually manifest into anger and hate. It will deteriorate your self esteem and drain you of life. Eventually you won't be able to recognize yourself as you will lose all hope. Now is the time to stop this, before YOU allow them to tear you apart. Love is grand but sanity is bliss. Good Luck & God Bless!

Answer 2

Separate or continue?
I dont know where you live but seem to b from a conservative family(no offence intended)and in such a situation it is not easy to neglect opinions of family and society.I'm sure you are concerned about what will these people think.
If this is the case, then you really should give a damn to their opinions and go ahead and get a divorce. These people have not been with you in your sorrow and they will never be with you.Our society can be very oppressive.........dont think about what the world will have to say.
But be sure about what you want.
The second thing which l see is that you seem to love her. Marriages need to be worked upon at times.You said that you both used to live alone and now she has started living with her parents for 4 months.What triggered her decision? Have you been just to her?Have you tried to find out what was troubling her?It is not easy for a girl to take the decision of leaving her husband.And the coments about your parents......well when tensions develop anger follows and then such comments.What have your parents done to make her angry?All this does not mean that l am saying that she is the victim in all this.....but l just want you to understand that she must be unhappy too.Maybe her parents are too interfering.
You need to ascertain whether she is a good oerson or not and whether she wants to be with you or not.For that there is only one way.............call her......or mail her.Tell you want to meet her ALONE in order to make one last attempt to save your marriage.Use these words,so that she will get the message that if she loves you she will never get a chance again.Whan you meet her adress all your problems....all of them.Let her talk first. Listen to her complaints and try to offer solution which you can offer without having to compromise on your self esteem. If you feel any of her demands are unreasonable tell ehr so politely.Finally when she has finished you tell her what you want.........and at this point you can make it clear that you cannot tolerate comments on your family.
Irrespective of whether the first meeting goes well, meet again, several times, before you dcide that you want to leave her.
Meet even if she is far,go there.Meet up.
Sometimes, in our childhood and teenage, some of us get so engrossed in our studies that we never get the chance to learn the skills needed for an effective communication and tend to become introverts.......everything can be learnt if we want to and that too at any point in life.
Try to save your marriage........try.......then if you want to leave.............but remarriage should be postponed to atleast 1yr after divorce..yuo need time to rethink about life ad realise that it is indeed very beautiful.You are gifted, you can find your hope by giving those people hope who look up to you for releaving treir illness and pain.Dont give up................fight.

Answer 3

Is it really an issue of self respect or just plain 'ol male ego? Ask yourself this question and be honest. Is there any possibility that she is treating you the way you may be treating her? You say she doesn't care a bit about you. Are those her words or yours? I have behaved shamefully cruel to my husband when I felt HURT. Humans will lash out when hurt. You are like most 30 year old men. I don't mean to insult. But is it possible you have behaved selfishly and unlovingly toward her. You say you love her but your question is full of self absorbed concerns about yourself and re-marrying having two proposals. You are surely destined to make any potential spouse disappointed and unhappy with your selfish and shallow and immature attitude. Your inlaws are not mistreating you, they are letting you know they don't like the way you treat their daughter. You may be one of those doctors suffering with a superiority, God-complex. As a woman I tell you honestly what you have written here would deeply sadden me if I were your wife. Only married 1-1/2 years, in one sentence "I truly love her," next sentence "Shall I remarry someone else - 2 good proposals." You should not marry any woman until you mature and learn how to behave like a real man with loyal and true feelings. Your wife must have truly been heartbroken to discover the depth of your lack of genuine love and concern. You are too in love with your self. I feel so sorry for your poor wife. You may have utterly destroyed her self-worth and self-esteem. While you merrily go along concerning yourself with other proposals. Not a care in the world for the feelings of your wife as a human being who trusted and loved you.

Answer 4

LOVE YOUR WIFE!
Seek marriage counseling through your Church!! If you don't have one, find a good Bible based Church.

Make sure that you or she are not having an affair. Sometimes when someone is having an affair everything is wrong with the spouse, They talk bad about their spouse to excuse their adultery. If this is the problem, work on it first.

Move away from the inlaws and your parents to work on your marriage!

Married people see things differently, who does the work, who brings home "the" money, who dosen't help, who cooks, are you following me? Who takes who for granted! The simple things left unsaid; " I AM SORRY, I WAS WRONG, I LOVE YOU , YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, YOU ARE IMPORTANT TO ME, WOW COMPLIMENTS, SWEEP HER OFF HER FEET"! Men think that once they are married they don't have to "Romance" their wife's any longer, WRONG! Married people forget to communicate with each other, that is part of the problem.

You are a doctor; you spend too much time in the hospital and/or clinic because it makes you feel powerful and important , you feel tired and run-down, BUT YOU CAN MAKE TIME FOR OTHERS (think about it). Make time for your wife and make it special. If you go on vacation; leave work at home!! "Do not" take work everywhere, Other doctors will step in. You are not the only supper doctor around, trust me; "I KNOW"!

Divorce rate among doctors and nurses are very high because the spouse is neglected, and the "profession" atract others. Your profession requires a lot from you, your stress level is high, chances for drug addictions are high; it's an escape route and easily accessible. As a doctor you feel empowered, but at the same time you feel inadequate at home.
" Divorce", people think is the easy way out; but it is not! That spouse will be with you in your heart and mind till you die, you only add new ones if you remarry, and you end up having the same problems or worse!

Since you have "2 good propasals", How did they get there? What gave those 2 people the idea that there was a chance for them? THINK ABOUT IT!!! How much time do you give them? Do you go out with them? Do you compliment them? Do you do all the things with them that you should be doing with your wife?

You said you love your wife, how much time and effort do you put into your marriage? Marriage is a work in progress that needs "time" and care, two different people giving and taking from each other "FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIFE; TILL DEATH DO THEM PART"! Not untill other women ENTICE and convince you that you deserve better. Getting remarried will only start a vicious cycle!!!

Advertisments, movies, and the internet continually bombard you with ideas that destroy marriages. They try and convince you that you deserve better, that you need this or that to make you happy, that you need this to make you more of a man and improve your sex life, wrong!

NOW LET'S BE FRANK! Is there something in you that is causing the problem. Is it a psycological problem that you need to seek help for? Only you know the answere!

It takes a life time to make a marriage work because it involves two different people; each one as special as the other, each one as valuable as the other!
If you have God in it, it has a better chance of making it. Turn you marriage over to God and let Him help you, but you have to be willing to accept His help!!
YOU ARE VERY SPECIAL TO GOD!

All My Best

Answer 5

Well please realize that 4 months is not a very long time and to be considering remarrying that soon does not sound like you have undying love for your wife. You two need to jump into marital counseling and then move away from family. Being a Dr you should be able to find a job anywhere.

Answer 6

I don't think you're grammar is proper and some of your word choices indicate that English is not your primary language. In which case I am thinking that there is a different culture at play here.

From what I gather, your wife is VERY unhappy with you, but you failed to tell us why? Based purely on your low self esteem? Maybe you are a little wiener who doesn't defend yourself and lets her be open to attacks from others. Not very manly in my opinon. Perhaps you need a more dominant woman, one who can protect herself and you. Either that, or you need to grow some testicles of your own and be a man and make your own desicions.

Answer 7

as u hv said it seems u r staying with her parents, ya? then my first question comes is why? u dont hv ur house or parents to stay with? thats the reason u r loosing ur self respect work on that firstly. and then try to sit and talk with ur wife on one to one base, if its a love marraige then how did love just got over in one and a half year?? u really need to find out that. dont loose the hope u hv long life to go things will get better soon hv faith in ur love.

Answer 8

I have been married for five years and my parents hate my husband, so much that he never goes over there. Its been like that for three years. It kills me especially on holidays because I go over with my kids alone. But when they talk bad about him even though it is my husbands fault why they don't like him in the first place I still stick up for him. If she loves you, she should. You sound like me, stuck in the middle and I can't stand feeling like that. I cry about it all the time. It stinks but if she can't stand by her man then why should you stand by your woman?

Answer 9

I would say to choose your self respect. You can't stay in a marriage if she doesn't love you and it sounds to me like she is not willing to work things out. Good Luck.

Answer 10

If this is happening already, I would think that she is not the one for you. It sounds like she is doing this because she feels that she can. Don't move on to another one yet...you are stll young....But don't expect that anyone will be able to love you unless you love yourself. Good Luck.