Why does my fiance NEED to look at porn/other women in a sexual manner?

Question

I am engaged and my fiance seems to have a problem with porn. We have had many fights about it, and this last time he "swore" off of it. He offered a compromise that he would just look at women in bikini's, but to me it seems that the bottom line is the same- he is still looking at otehr women in a sexual manner. I have explained to him how I feel, and I have told him I will do whatever he wants(sexually) in order to feel like he doesn't have to look at that stuff. I have offered up everythign I have and it seems that he just doesn't get it. Or am I the one not getting it? I always say yes to him when it comes to sex, in 1 1/2 years I have never told him I didn't want to have sex and have never been closed minded, so why isn't that enough? Please help, I am fearing for our relationship. Thank you

I just want to say that I am overwhelmed by the amount of responses and how fast I received them. Thank you all, really. I am actually going to talk to someone myself tomorrow, and in the future hope to bring my fiance with me. I think some of my issues with it do come from my own insecurities but i also think it has a lot to do with his reluctancy to stop looking at it. He is indeed a great guy and I dare say this is his only major fault. Thank you again

Answer 1

I have always felt that noticing and appreciating the sexual aspects of the women I see is part of my deep wiring.

Looking doesn't mean lack of faith, or intent to stray, or even the wish to stray. It just means that I see what I see and I appreciate it.

One of my personal ground rules for relationships is "Looking is always free" - care should be taken to be polite about it, just as care should be taken to be polite about anything else in a relationship. But - my right to look is absolute.

I know that this is sometimes a sore point between women and men. We really do see this whole topic differently.

For me, one thing that seeing an attractive woman will do is make me want my girlfriend even more. My sexual appreciation of females is general - I can appreciate any woman that appeals to me. But - the intimacy and the emotional and the actual sex acts are very VERY specific - my girlfriend is the only one I do those with.

I hope this point of view was of some use to you - take care.

Answer 2

Looking at pretty girls and looking at porn are two different things. Not all guys are porn hounds.

You say things are good sexually now and you never turn him down, but once you are married and the kids come and then the stress of living day to day life together hits, your sex life will change. If he is a self-involved man before you marry him, he will only become more self involved as the years go on. Once you turn your attention to your children instead of him, he will pout and turn even further into the porn.

I would look really closely at this relationship and think really hard if this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. Are ready to live with porn in your life/home for the next 20 or so years?

Find a man who wants you and only you. You deserve no less.

Answer 3

First of all, don't take it personally. The thoughts that you have something to do with his "needs" are coming from a bit of insecurity within yourself. Having thoughts of sex, or viewing other women from a sexual perspective is natural to some degree... grass is greener idea. But, when you have a sense of "not being present" as he focuses on other females is probably an indication that he has some issues.

Viewing or being attached to seeking porn is somewhat different, depending upon the extent to which one is involved with it. The attachment to porn is indicative that one is seeking outside what is missing inside. That is, as a baby, ones MIND assumed that one was not wanted, or that one was responsible for ones mother's difficulty in giving birth, or one took on ones mother's fear of giving birth, and has a sense of guilt or self-blame for ones mother's experience. The viewing of porn [and searching glances at other females] is a way that ones MIND seeks to remedy or redo that childhood experience... which cannot be done, of course, but the MIND is seeking this nonetheless.

Unless your boy friend believes he has a problem, there is little you can do. If the behavioral activity is too much for you, and he is disinclined to seek help, then begin the process of leaving the relationship. If the activity is not too much for you, then learn to live with it... as it is unlikely that it will change soon... and may get worse before... after many years, begin to reduce.

Tough decision, but one you have to make. Peace

Answer 4

Well my boyfriend is the same way. He watches porn on the Internet and when he is doing it he doesn't want me to disturb him. In my opinion some men "like ours" have the necessity of seen other women, it is just a fantasy and I prefer that, rather than seen him looking at some women in Victoria's Secret stores. Don't get annoy by that because if he does it to get excited and then practice with you what he saw it is perfectly OK. However, pay attention to it because it could be a psychological problem or he may have an obsession w/ it. I know you talk to him already but men are "stupid" the more you tell them to don't do something the more they will do it. So my advise for you could be try to watch it (I know it is disgusting) w/ him just to make him feel that it is part of your life because he is w/ you and you guys have to share experiences. I hope everything would be better for you soon and just get used to it until he gets tired of it.

Answer 5

This issue is not about why GUYS need to look at porn, it's why your FIANCE needs to look at porn. I can understand your frustration considering that you have made every effort to prevent him from obsessing over pornography. It is very apparent that you love this person and that he possesses good qualities that are not stated in your question. I believe that your fiance cannot help himself much in the same way a smoker can't help but light another cigarette even with the knowledge of the damage and harm it can cause. He has an addiction and a way to destroy an addiction is through withdrawal and the removal of the object of obsession, in his case; porn. If he wants to truly marry you have to tell him that he needs to get rid of all his porno and that compromise is not enough. That will force him to choose between you and the porn and cause him to reflect on what is really important. Hopefully, he chooses correctly. So in lesser words, give him a final ultimatum and help him through his problem. If he truly makes and effort and is genuine about it, your relationship will only get stronger.

Answer 6

Please hear this...it has nothing to do w/ you, you are enough!! It is an addiction. It is one that people don't talk about and from what I have heard, many men have this. The church talks about this often, many men struggle w/ this, even ones of faith. I think some people that may have looked here and there can't understand the addiction some have. A man w/ this loses touch w/ reality. I think it is worse than them having an affair w/ a person. That is so much easier to understand ...
I have learned about this because it affected my husband at one time....search porn addiction online and read as much as you can.
We worked through this by turning our lives over to God, it helped us and I stuck w/ him because of marriage and children. You need to do what is best for you....please do not marry him until you know more about this and can talk to a professional. It is so much more than the porn, and you will always deal w/ this like any other addiction...day by day.
Best of luck..

Answer 7

I think its you that isn't getting it. Men are different when it comes to porn. Women think sex is about love, men think love is about sex. Women are stimulated by the mind, fantasy, sweet words etc. Men are more visual. Just because he likes porn doesn't (always) mean he wants to have sex with other women. He really is just looking at it. It's hard for lots of women to understand mens enjoyment of porn but if you two have a very active sex life as you say, what's the harm? He has asked you to marry him even though he was looking at it before and after. If it starts inteferring with his job, time with you, your sex life, normal things that he should be doing then its probably a problem but if he just enjoys looking at pictures, its really normal.
But.. in saying all of that, if it is really a concern for you and you can't get past it, he should take your feelings into concideration. Whatever you do.. sort it out before you get married!!!

Answer 8

First off, this is not a problem with you. Pornography can be an addiction. The fact that it has become a strain on your relationship and he is still not willing to give it up tells me that he cannot give it up-because he is addicted. I wonder whether he has other addiction issues such as drugs, drinking or gambling? You need to speak with a professional. If he is willing to admit that he has a problem, and agrees to get help, then stick by his side and help him through it. If he won't take that step, there is NOTHING you can do to help him. No amount of sex will "cure" him. Your only decision needs to be whether or not you can deal with it. If not, move on. If you decide that you can, than you need to be very understanding that it will not change unless he admits there is a problem. I hope this helps.

Been there

Answer 9

He's addicted to it.

You enabled him to continue looking at it.

If it offends you or you feel less of a woman because he looks, then do something about it instead of letting him say OK and keep on looking.

There's nothing wrong with being attracted to someone even if you're in a good relationship. It's what you do with that attraction that makes or breaks the relationship.

My wife and I both look at others and have a wonderful relationship. We don't act on it. She's the one for me.

What I'm saying is, if it's a problem for you then it's ultimatum time.

If you're worried about losing him because of it, at least he's not out getting it!!!! Who does he come home to? Who does he sleep with? Who does he love?

Answer 10

I'm not trying to be mean, and you and others will probably disagree with my viewpoint, but people are not monogamous beings. If all he's doing is looking at pictures, be thankful. He's still coming home with you! Unless it is inhibiting his day to day functioning it really shouldn't be a problem.

Once again, I'm not trying to be mean but it sounds like you two either have some other underlying problems that are making you feel insecure or you have some self-confidence issues. Conquer those and I doubt it will be an issue any longer.