What should I do?

Question

Ive been with my fiance for four years I have two children from a prior relationship and he has 3 from his prior marriage. He gets his children every other weekend and sees them every wensday. During the summer he had his children alot and he was so happy just to have all 5 children around, well once school started he dont see his kids as much except every other weekedn and on wensdays because of school and they dont live close to us, what Im starting to notice is since his kids arent around alot, he is shorter fuzzed with my kids like always yelling at them ecspeacialy my 11 year old and it defenitly causing tension in our relationship, he picks on my kids for every little thing, but this wasnt happening during the summer when all 5 kids were there together. I want to know what I need to do because Im basically at the end of my rope? I really need some good mature advice, Thank you.

Answer 1

I think that you need to have a serious talk with your fiance and tell him how you feel. If you don't see some sort of change then I would say you need to take a deep look into your relationship and ask yourself if it is worth hurting your kids. Hope things change and good luck!

Answer 2

It sounds like he loves his children with all his heart. Does he know his attitude has changed with your children? Have you spoken to him about it? Unless you talk about it with him you wont know what is going on inside his head, and any advice anyone can ever give you will only be a guess, because we dont know either what is going on inside his head. My best guess is that he is jealous because you have your children around you all the time and he hasn't. It probably isnt a conscious thing hes doing either and needs to be told. Children are precious beings and harsh words yelled at them all the time can have devestating effects...so the sooner you act, the sooner it can be resolved. I know you love your fiance, but you must think of the psychological damage this is doing to your children. As a mother myself there is nothing more painful than seeing your children hurt, whether it be physical or emotional and it is only natural that you want to protect them from any kind of hurt.

You say you are at the end of your rope....so I am guessing that you and your fiance are arguing over his treatment of your children and it is causing a rift in the relationship. Have you ever calmly sat down with him and asked him in a non-threatening way why he is yelling at your children? Dont blame him, understand him....tell him, how this is affecting you....Talk about you. Everything you say use the first person, for example. I am feeling very hurt about what is happening in our relationship. This way you are taking ownership of your feelings and not blaming him. If you were to say, you are making me feel hurt, angry, whatever are really fighting words and will shut down the lines of any honest communication because he will be on the defensive straight away. Do you see the difference? The first statement is non-threatening and talks about you and how you are feeling. The second statement is blaming him.....You dont need to fight...you need to communicate your feelings to each other. If that wont work and you want this relationship to work, then maybe suggest a mediator or counselling. If all else fails...your kids come first and you may have to leave. It doesnt have to be permanent but it sure makes a statement that this situation is unacceptable.

Answer 3

Italian princess I am Italian too. So I will tell you the truth and hope you will listen. I can tell you are young. It is through stupid mistakes that we finally learn. Italian princess do not despair after you kick him to the curb, instead celebrate that you didn't marry him. Yelling at children is a form of abuse. Allowing him to yell at them make you guilty of abuse as well. You are their mother and supposed to protect them from jerks like this idiot. Okay choose. You only have two options. 1) stay with him, find yourself hating him 5 years down the road and your kids hating you forever or 2) Get rid of him today, right now. Then go and apologize to your children for betraying them and hope they forgive you. Grow up - a cute guy and good sex are what teenagers and old people with no small kids do. You are a Mom sacrificing the mental and emotional well being of your children to a mean guy. And don't say you love him. There are tons of nice guys out there to love. Ask yourself seriously what could make you do this? Low self-esteem makes woman stick to jerks. Talk to a friend and listen to what they say.

Answer 4

What a tricky situation you are in. I guess my first move after talking to him about it, would be to suggest some kind of therapy or counseling. Tell him you know it is hard for him to not be around his children, but he has other children in his life now also, and they deserve his love just as much. His situation with his kids and the visitation does not sound like it will change, and he must not let the other children suffer because of what has happened. I am sure he loves them, and he sounds like a great guy. Remind him of what a wonderful father he is, and remind him that he has other people in his life to love as well. You have chosen him as your fiance, which also means the father of your children. He needs to be that for them if this is the life he wants.

Answer 5

Be his friend and approach the problem with true concern for him and what he is going through, maybe say to him that you have noticed that he must be really mising his children,{without saying he is treating yours wrong,as im sure he realizes it and maybe doing it to get you to see his pain,} and let him know that you know it must be hard on him as he is a good man{ and that will help him to be it around home while you find away to deal with it together} and if there is anyway that more time seeing his children is possible you are desireing it to because you to miss his children

Answer 6

First of all pray, if you have not already...ask Jesus for guidance. Then let him know immediately that it is bothering you and you are not going to have that around you and your kids. Obviously it is hurting him inside that his kids are gone and he does not know how to control his hurt. LEt him know that his behavior must stop or else you will have to let him go. If he respects you and loves you and your kids, like I'm sure he says he does, he will apologize and be ready to make changes. If he says he will change, but doesn't...please do not waste your time on him anymore. Life is short, you WILL find another man sooner or later. Trust in the Lord that things will get better and continue to pray!!! Good luck to you & your family!!! Blessings!!

Answer 7

the problem is he's having some separation anxiety. he stopped seeing you and your kids as the whole that you are all by yourselves. the units of the whole he percieves, is missing. the solution is to sit down, and get him into discussing his feelings about his kids being absent from the home. let him know you and your kids miss them, too. and, tell him to look at you, and look at the kids, and remind him that you guys are his family , too. and let him know while you guys are looking to him for everything you need in a husband and father, he's been snappy and snippy, and it's been hard to feel good with that. open, honest communication in a way that you know he'll understand, that's the answer. good luck.

Answer 8

oh damn tat is hard especially on kids ok let me say this:
he should know that being a dad is something and living with them is something he should react like a responsible dad to ur kids as he do to his if he want to work ur relationship out cos in that way he react good towards ur kid when his kids are around and when tey r away he act in mean way towards ur kid is not a good sign it means that there is something wrong going on tere and my advise sorry to say but for ur kids sake u just tell him about how he react when his kids around and how he react when they are away and how he deal with ur kids if he says he'll fix his way and after a while he come back to his old sh*t u just tell him he should think again about the kids sake and he should be off this relationship cos it reflex so bad on u and the kid so leaving him will be the reasonable and good way hope that helps u:).

Answer 9

one fine morning when yours and his mood is good. keep your mind very cool and tell him that you need to talk to him regarding something very important. tell him that you really love and like his kids they are very nice and try to share your view with him. I am sure if you tell him in a way that he does not take it seriously that should be the end of the problem.

very important between relationships is keep sharing , keep telling what you feel and tell him what you expect similarly tell him that you will be upto his expectation too this will make him happy. without you directly talking your problem to him anything you do you are not going to get a solution. all the best and may god bless you

Answer 10

What you need to do is sit him down when the kids aren't around, and let him read what you wrote here. In your relationship[ there's a lot more than what you wrote here, and he needs to know how you feel. He'll appreciate your honesty and trust in asking him if he misses his kids, and "may" be taking it out on yours out of jealousy.