I was just wondering how many others husbands throw "fits" when they are mad, like when you call them on something. If my hubby looses his temper, he gets really hurtful with the things that come out of his mouth, and mean. He says I just need to leave him alone when he is mad, but I feel like my feelings are never considered then, and if he would just appoligize at the start, it wuoldn't escalate. If I say something bugged me, he will get defensive and think of a bunch of "stuff" that bugs him, which he doesn't mean because he only has a problem if I do. Other than when he gets mad, we truley have a wonderful relationship and I couldn't ask for a better man, but I am frustrated with his mean hurtfullness out of anger bull that I am just supposed to ignore.
2006-08-25 02:29:16 · 8 answers · asked by shrimpseys 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He has never and would nevr hit me, he is just mean in his words, and after says he didn't mean any of it, that he just can't control his mouth when he is mad.
2006-08-25 02:37:12 · update #1
Hi there - you could be talking about MY marriage and husband. I can't really say that I have found the answer totally, but we have been married over 30 years and its basically the only problem we have. Its not as bad as it was, but still occurs. Now, however, I know enough to walk away until he has his temper under control. Getting him to admit he has a temper is step one, and heading him off at the pass is step two. I just tell him first that I don't want to hear about my shortcomings right now but that I have a concern he needs to help with. Don't ignore his mean hurtfulness - go back whe things are going good and tell him how it makes you feel - your self respect goes down and he thinks he can keep doing it if you just ignore it. Also, at the time, you can refuse to take the bait, purpose of which is to divert you from the problem at hand. Your reaction can feed his lack of self-control and disrespect. Try not to take it too hard, its not personal, just a tactic he has learned that usually works to get him off the hook. Now I just tell mine if he can't discuss something right now in a civil way, we can go back to it when he can. He hates it, because it is hard for him to discuss things, but he feels more in control if he has time to think about it. If you are "right" and he admits it, don't rub his nose in it - keep it light. You need a partner, not an adversary, and he needs to know that everything is not always about him. These guys have a very selfish side to their personalities; once you know that, its easier to deal with. Hope this helps.........
2006-08-25 02:59:47 · answer #1 · answered by pugrc 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Been there. AM there. I'm about to leave him. He is a 5 year old in many sense of the word. When I call him on anything... he brings up a barely related example to throw in MY face. He has no problem telling me what I, in my job as a wife, haven't done and am suppose to take it, but he will get all defensive. after 19 years of it escalating to this point, I have HAD it. And I've tried marriage counciling twice. Oh, and try to get HIM to get counciling with you being there. My/our therapist told me, "since you are the named person who signed up, you are the one that's being treated". So get his name on the paperwork for the insurance to see HIM as the one that is requiring the help, even though you are the one complaining.
SO, if after marriage counciling... you feel that you haven't gotten anywhere... leave him. Your life is just so long and you deserve respect and happiness and you don't get to try again the next time around because there IS no next time around unless you leave. Best of luck.
2006-08-25 02:43:46 · answer #2 · answered by Valeria 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I end up saying all kinds of bull**** when i'm mad and usually punch a wall or something but i work hard on just trying to keep my mouth shut because i hurt my fiance and myself more than should be allowed. I've never put a hand on her but satan has lept from my mouth.
2006-08-25 02:34:12 · answer #3 · answered by bgbelden 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ask him if he treats his boss or friends like that? If not than you should take it from him?
tell him when he is mad it's better not to say anything and next time just walk away or hang up on him.
You need to show him it's not ok to treat you the way he does.
2006-08-25 02:36:29 · answer #4 · answered by chigirl 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Mine would. (I say 'would' because we are currently separated - he left about a year ago) Thinking about it now, I realize that, although women get upset, we try to analyze situations, & therefore can reason past our feelings at times to see not just the situation for what it is, but the intentions behind it, the motivations, the reasons, etc. Now I see with my husband, that he could not see past his own feelings for that greater purpose. He seemed to live in the moment, unable to reason, when he's feeling any kind of strong emotion. For him, any strong emotion could quickly turn to anger, possibly out of frustration, I guess. And he could not get past it - he was literally stuck in that moment with his feelings & nothing else & he had no power of reason in that moment so his feelings would magnify into something much larger than what they should have, & he would lash out in the worst way. Maybe it was his way of coping - trying to place the blame & the pain on someone else. He told me once in a calm moment that when he hurts, he tries to make the other person hurt 10 times worse. It's like he can't handle the feelings so he subconciously tries to give them to someone else, I suppose. He would say (& threaten) the most terrible hurtful things anyone could imagine, definitely not things I could ever say to someone I loved. And after a while, I guess when he realized that simply SAYING the terrible things didn't help him feel any better, he would follow through on his threats in a physical way, enough to where after a while, it was hard to distinguish what he did mean & what he didn't mean anymore. We've been married for almost 3 years (counting the year he has been gone), but I've known him for over 7 years. It eats away at you & your self-esteem. And for me, it got to a point where I became too emotionally tired, & then too afraid to verbally defend myself. there was a period of time he went to group anger management courses thru a court order after a particularly bad incident, for which he called the authorities on himself out of guilt. Through the period of time he went to that class, I saw a TREMENDOUS improvement, not just in his temper, but in his true sorrow for things he had said & done to me & in his appreciation for me. I think the fact that it was a group session too, helped him to be around other people with the same problem. But after that class was over, it slowly began to get bad again. You shouldn't have to tolerate it. I'm sure he loves you, but he has a problem expressing himself. If he loves you as much as I'm sure he does, he needs to be willing to go through counseling on his own AND as a couple with you. It won't get better on it's own. He has deeper issues that cause him to do this. And you need to be able to feel comfortable to communicate openly with him.
Best wishes to you both.
2006-08-25 03:06:17 · answer #5 · answered by eliziam 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
words can hurt just as bad you just don't see the fisical marks. how about some angry managment class
2006-08-25 02:47:51 · answer #6 · answered by juls 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
HE sounds like my wife. Do you have any kids.... he will pick on them when they are older.... I know all too well..... It messes them up mentally pretty good.
2006-08-25 02:34:41 · answer #7 · answered by David 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
dtmf, dump the mother f*cker
2006-08-25 02:35:27 · answer #8 · answered by Michael 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋