What kind of a friend does that?

Question

When I was in America back in 1999 I was sexually assulted by an employer. I took him to court but the jury found reasonable doubt and he got off.
I made friends with a guy called David while I was out there (lived there for 2 years). He and I were like best mates (but nothing more). We wrote to each other a few times after I came back to the UK and then at xmas, I went back out there to stay with him for a few weeks.
While I was there he told me (in a 'it's no big deal' kind of way), that he is really good mates now with the wife of the bloke who assulted me.
The facts/issues are:
1. He knew this women before the assult, but he knew how horrible she was to me while the case was going through.
2. I don't live in the USA, she does and he does obviously, so is it fair to ask him to be loyal to me as I live so far away?
3. He still claimed to be my best mate when I was out visiting, so how can he justify being friends with her?
Should I still be mates with him? What do u think

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable?

Answer 1

unreasonable

Answer 2

In a nutshell you would like your friend to shun the wife of someone who wronged you, because she was supportive of her husband at the time of the wrong doing.

At the time of the assault the guy's wife was faced with a difficult choice. She could have stood by her man, which, since she knew you, would have been impossible without discrediting you.
Or she could have left him.

Chances are if he assaults colleagues, he is violent/agressive with his wife. She has possibly suffered more damage long term than you did.

Maybe your friend is befriending her in a difficult time, but can not reveal her marital difficulties to you, in case you use the insider information to re-attempt getting justice for your case. In which case, imagine what the consequences for the wife would be?

If you truly respect your friend then you respect his judgement about his other friendships.

However it seems to me that the base of your problem is deeper.

Either, you are still very angry at your lack of justice / people not believing you - and see this rival friendship as a loud proclamation to friends / acquaintances in common, that "what happened to easyrider was nothing" or worse "did not happen at all".

In which case, it is not your friend but the justice system that has let you down. And it has. Don't take it personally, just look at the stats for r#pe convictions and you'll see that either thousands of women have nothing better to do than to subject themselves to the pain and humiliating scrutiny and character destruction that comes with "crying r#pe". Or justice is repeatedly failing the women brave enough to attempt to seek it......

Or, maybe you have stronger feelings for your friend than he does you and you see this other woman as a love rival (in which case who she is, is a double blow). She would especially be a threat too since you know that she is unlikely to be happy in her marriage to that b#stard.

In which case you need to ascertain whether you truthfully have any chance with this man, and if not, move on - because the future scenario would be too torturous.

Good luck - and by the way, he did what he did, don't let him steal any more of your life

Answer 3

honestly the thing is is he either felt guilty or obliged to tell you this because he was feeling guilty, he knows the situation and he is probably friends with this woman because the same man that attacked you probably abuses his wife, anyways if he never told you and you never found out it wouldn't matter then right? I mean if you didn't know, I think you should remain friends with this guy, from what you say it sounds like he is a very good friend of yours, good friends are hard to come by, try and remember, he was being honest with you and that is something that you should value as well

Answer 4

You have all the right to feel betrayed. If it was me i would react the same. The sad fact is that men do not keep grudges. They tend to take things easy when it comes to friendships and this sometimes are the reasons why some relationships do not work out. It looks like a big mess you are in. If you really like David as much as it sounds very hard, try to put the past behind you and try to tolerate his friendship with her as long as he does not expect you to interact with her. Or you can just move on with your life and forget him/"them". Make new friends and move on.

Answer 5

I feel sorry for him, he's stuck in the middle of this. It's not his fault that you and her don't get on, would you really want him to lose a good friend by taking sides in an argument that had nothing to do with him in the first place? Just because she was mean to you (being loyal to her husband) that doesn't mean she's all bad and not a goot friend to him.

Answer 6

I think you should let him go because a true friend would be there for you and would not want to be associated with some one who hurt you. Other wise he is as good as the guy who assulted you.

Answer 7

I suppose the woman hasn't actually done you any wrong and as she presumably "loves" her husband, I guess she was doing what most women would do and "standing by her man".

Perhaps she was unpleasant to you because she feared how her life would be affected if her husband was found guilty.

I perhaps would not let it end a good friendship - but I have to say I would be a bit wary - our friends have to be free to make their own choices and not choose unswerving loyalty if they disagree.

Or, there could be more to their relationship???

Answer 8

ur hurt by all this its not fair he should no what u went through with the court case etc i dont think hes a true friend 2 u get another mate x

Answer 9

If you and he were (are?) 'like best mates (but nothing more)' then what is the problem? He can see and be friends with who he likes, surely? If he was unsupportive to you during the trial then it raises questions, but as to friendship, you have no right to ask for his 'loyalty' as you are not his 'partner' ! It is perfectly possible to have more than one friend - even of the opposite sex, so stop worrying.

Answer 10

There's nothing wrong with him being friends with her. He knew this woman before and it'd be unfair of you to ask him to end a friendship because of something her husband did. My only advise is don't put him in the middle of all of this. Why can't he be friends with you both? You are being unreasonable if you ask him to choose. Just let it go and concentrate on your friendship and not worry about theirs.

Answer 11

it really sounds as if you are seeing him. It is wrong for him to say its a big deal cause it affected your life. If you cannot trust him and are not comfortable with him being your best mate then look for a new best mate if there are no strings attached.