About a year ago, a friend, who I don't know that well, asked me to be her bridesmaid. She's is only 19 and since being with her partner she has fallen out with all her friends. He is a nasty piece of work and she just can't see it. He hasn't worked since she's been with him and she pays for everything, and he refuses to lift a finger at home.
The planning of the wedding has been left with me as she had no idea what she was doing, and I've really tried my best, but she's never confirmed anything or paid the deposits, so the whole day is turning into a sham. To top it all, she's never showed any sign of being grateful for the help I've given her.
I think she's too young and shouldn't be marrying the guy. Her family have no idea what he's like as she lies all the time to make their relationship look good.
I have considered a number of times to say something, but could never find the right thing to say. Should I just continue tomorrow as support, or should I say something?
2006-08-24 23:22:24 · 56 answers · asked by Emily 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
you really have waited until the last minute havent you?
This really would have been something much better addressed months ago... You cannot choose a partner for your friend.. or change her mind about this guy...
You say that he has no respect for her but it sounds like she doesnt have much respect for herself or for you for that matter...You should not have to bear the entire load of the planning of her entire wedding... It should be a group effort... and there is no reason for you to be paying the deposits...
it sounds like she is taking complete advantage of you...
You should talk to her about the lack of communication, support and consideration on her part and tell her you feel unappreciated..
As far as the guy goes... its really tough... its a bit late, but you can always voice concern... Ask her questions about the decision she is making and how she feels and support her in that decision no matter what it is...... she has to live her own life and learn from her own mistakes.....
Good luck to the both of you. I hope it all works out!
2006-08-24 23:27:17 · answer #1 · answered by Angel 3 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Well.... quite honestly if she hasn't paid the deposits then it doesn't sound like there's going to be a wedding so problem solved..... unless of course you are foolish enough to pay the deposits yourself! It sounds like you have done all the work you can in organising this wedding. Make a list of everything that you have done, detailing all the deposits that need to be paid. Pass it to your friend, and at the same time ask her if she is sure she is doing the right thing (just ask in a caring, supportive way....)...... then step away and let her sort out the deposits...... Actually..... have you ever thought that the reason why she hasn't paid the deposits may be because she's not 100% sure whether or not to go ahead with the wedding? Just a thought.......
Anyhow, stick by your friend.... I think she may need a shoulder to cry on!
2006-08-25 04:25:58 · answer #2 · answered by Been there 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What exactly is going on tomorrow that you need to know by?
If the girl hasn't put any money down, and doesn't soon, she probably won't get married, just because businesses aren't going to hold buildings and things for her without money, (and don't you put money down, I can just see where that will go.)
It sounds like she's just as bad as her partner. She left the planning up to you, and isn't helping you, what a winner.
If I were you, I'd tell her that you can't plan any more of her wedding because it's HER wedding. Tell her you will be glad to help offer your opinions if she has difficult choices to make, but you are burnt out. I'd also ask her if something is wrong, or "do you really want to get married." And then tell her you are worried deep down she isn't ready since she isn't helping with any of the preparations.
In the end, only you can decide what to do. If you think she is making a big mistake, maybe you should tell her, but try in a gentle way--it could end up that she will get angry about it, but if you aren't that good friends anyways, and she's been taking advantage of you, who cares.
2006-08-24 23:28:53 · answer #3 · answered by anabele6 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I think you've been used! but that doesn't mean you have to be uncouth as well. show grace at all times.
The only thing to do is talk to her seriously. JUst ask her if she's serious about getting married because you don't see any sign of commitment on her part for all the plans. its her wedding, so her decisions should count. It would be too horrible if you get blamed if the wedding turns out to be not to her liking! I don't think its any business of yours if you think the guy is not worth it. you were ask to be an attendant and a planner, that's it. If she's old enough to get involve, she's old enough to learn from her mistakes, if they do turn out to be mistakes. As a friend, all you can do is advice. she can either take it or leave. But if you can not accept the guy and you really feel strongly about it and you're not that close anyway to the girl as you said, then maybe you were asked to help out with the wedding because nobody else will do it. If you don't feel comfortable doing it, better let her know and giveher time to either get someone else to helo out or do it herself. Maybe you'll be doing her a favor, if she's force to work on her own wedding, maybe she'll think twice before marrying. Also, she'll be able to bug her guy about decisions and if he his that type of guy like you said, there will bound to be problems and encounters that may help her see the kind of person he is. In the end, all you can do is be comfortable with your decisions, you don't owe her anything.
2006-08-24 23:35:51 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
that's quite a predicament you have there, emily. it sounds like you already have a good idea of what's going on with this friend of yours.. so you should definitely say something, even if you don't know her that well. do you want to be an accesory to a failed marriage? it's obvious that you feel this marriage is a lost cause. i think it is your duty as a bridesmaid. imagine if this girl was a good friend of yours. you would definitely say something, right?
look.. the fact that this girl asked you (someone who doesn't know her that well) is worrying. what kind of wedding has a bride that asks an acquaintance to be her bridesmaid. i'm wondering why you even agreed to be her bridesmaid when you believe the marriage is doomed. and what about all those other factors (her young age, deadbeat future husband, etc.) involved in the wedding and marital relationship to come?
so go with your instinct and speak up, or forever hold your peace..
2006-08-24 23:49:10 · answer #5 · answered by skywarp_38 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your in an awful situation. I feel so sorry for you.
You have probably left it too late to say anything since the wedding is tomorrow. If you say anything now, she'll fall out with you probably, have no bidesmaid and generally feel rotten and have a shite day. However if you say something now, she'll be getting out of the biggest mistake of her life.
If you don't say something she'll go ahead with the wedding and be making a massive mistake.
Personally i'd have told her from day one your feelings towards this guy. As you haven't you need to decide if your friend is a good enough friend to accept your comments without turning nasty. If she's level headed and is prepared to listen then i'd tell herhow you feel , but tell her you'll offer your support and still be her bridesmaid if she want you to. I hope everything works out ok.
2006-08-24 23:31:54 · answer #6 · answered by ♥ Nicola ♥ 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Speaking as someone who is going abroad to get married, leaving on Sunday, I would never leave everything in the hands of my bridesmaid. I trust the judgement of my bridesmaid but it's my job not hers and it's a very stressful thing.
I would nicely say to her that she doesn't seem very interested in making arrangements and you can't do it all for her. Say you'll be her bridesmaid if she still wants you do be but you won't be arranging everything for her anymore. Give her all the information you have and leave it with her.
If you start telling her what you really think about the guy she is with she will just get upset and probably be even more head-strong to marry the man. To be honest, I doubt there is anything you could do or say to put her off him so probably best not mentioning it. When she gets dumped with all the arrangements and she turns to him for help she will soon find out what he is like!
2006-08-24 23:30:01 · answer #7 · answered by Mandy R 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think you have been very kind by helping your friend out , but on the other hand she is taking advantage of you and kindness , if you have gone around sorting things out but she isn't doing her bit by paying deposits etc then I would basically tell her to get lost!! She sound like she wants it all done for her without doing any of the hard work herself,
I think her boyfriend sound a right tosser and lazy git and you should tell her what you think of him , if she still goes ahead and marries him then o.k , she has to make her own mistakes , but at least you know ,you gave her the right advice
It says a lot that she has lost all her friends through this jerk , she will probably lose her family as well when they know the truth because she shouldn't be lying to them . Good luck
2006-08-24 23:34:48 · answer #8 · answered by sharrona 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
tell her it was just as much as you could give her, but that's it. you just had it. tell her you cant continue because you love her and if there isn't a way to change her mind then at least you will not watch her destroying her life.
of course there are great marriages of 19yo poople, but personally I think it's wrong to get marreid so young.
a friend of mine got married 5 years ago at 20 and she is the only one to be married with a child among my friends. ( we are 25-28) every time we meet her, her husband arrives after a while and the converstation is gone, and even when he's not there we can't find the common subject to talk about. and basically with her it is a few separate monologues instead of one dialogue. she somethimes seems sad that she can't share the life we have, but doesn't show it openly. we do understand her as she adores the child and the hustand. it's just sad when she says she wouldn't do it again if she had a choice.
and by the way I was her maid as well.
live is so short, so little time to enjoy! a human lives about 70 years, so even if you get married at 40 there is still 30years to spend together!!!
2006-08-24 23:46:38 · answer #9 · answered by ywe 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Personnally I would walk away from this situation . If it all goes pear shaped she will blame you for arranging a wedding that she felt obligated to attend. She is clearly not interested really and like you say deposits have not been paid for etc. You should talk to her alone and find out if this is what she truly wants to do ! Most women end up down the aisle because they end up going along with all the show and don't know how to get out of it . You should also tell her to tell the truth to her parents about what he is really like and let them deal with this and get her out of this situation it will only end in disaster in my eyes . I got married at 19 to an abusive husband & was to afraid not to turn up . Princess Di would not have turned up if she had the chance to get out of her wedding . Be careful if you are booking things in your name ! you could be left to pay the bills too . If you rescue someone in any situation it is inevetable that you will end up being the victim so be careful my love .
2006-08-24 23:35:08 · answer #10 · answered by Peanuts 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋