Emotional Abuse: On and Off?

Question

I asked a question a few days ago about my husband being emotionally/verbally and sometimes physically abusive to me. The thing I'm wondering about now is why he's mean to me for a few days, even weeks at a time, but then suddenly he becomes nice again for a few days or even for weeks without saying anything hurtful to me. I wonder if I should still make a plan on how to leave him and take care of my 10 month old daughter, or should I just tough it out and stay with him? I am 19 years old. I know he isn't the one for me. He conned me into this marriage. I love him as a friend. I'm so lost. I just don't know what to do. The reason I'm hesitating on leaving him is I'm not sure how I'm going to provide for my daughter. I need your opinions on this please. What do you think I should do?

Answer 1

First thing you should do is talk to someone in your own family about what is going on. Perhaps they can guide you in the right direction.

The reason I can come up with as to why he is nice sometimes is make you feel like it was only a passing thing and you will stay with him and wait out the bad times til the good times come back. It is a control thing. To catch it early and talk to family or friends about it will help you though any choice you make.

If your family is not close to where you live you might consider talking to a Domestic Volience orginazation. (you can find the number to them in the phone book or ask your local police for the number)They will help you if you feel you have to go out on your own with your baby. What ever you do don't get to the point where you feel trapped. Action will bring on freedom for you.

I hope whatever you choose to do it works out for you and your baby. And I really hope you decided to talk to someone near you quickly and not feel as though you are all alone. The internet is not the place you want to look for answers about situations like this one.

Take care hun and be well.

Answer 2

Make a plan, a long term plan. I waited until tax time and took the money and ran...by that point I already had an apartment set up 5 states away from where I lived...all I had to do was sign the lease and pay the deposit. I am now back with my husband and things are ok for the most part...we go for about a year now without any physical abuse and months w/o any verbal abuse. I just know that if I'm the best wife possible, than he is better towards me. My advice is if you can't fix the problems, than leave and take the baby w/o his knowledge...the "good" times don't last, and you know that...Does the good outweigh the bad? If it doesn't, than make and follow a plan of action. Hide $5 here and there (He'll never know the difference.) until you've got enough money to get out if you can't rely on taxes. You'd be surprised how fast that money adds up. (Done that too!!!)

Answer 3

My husband and I have been married for 4 years. We have a 4yr. old son and a 2month old daughter. My husband was the same way. He would be mean and cruel for weeks and then just do a 180. I never did understand why. He cheated on me twice and I left him both times. Then he held me prisoner in our house on three different occasions. Two months ago I had to lie to him and tell him that I was paying bills. I took my kids and went to the sheriffs dept. They helped me press charges, find temporary shelter, and get my things from the house. I am living with a relative now and have found a job. I have food stamps, medicaid, public asst., and child care for my kids. YOU CAN MAKE IT WITHOUT HIM!!!!! You have to think of your child first. If you can't find a local women's shelter go to the closest church. Whether you are a member there or not, they are very likely to help you any way that they can. You have to have a plan. That is the most important thing. If you have any marks on you what so ever, then take a warrant out on him. Then you will have at least 24hours to find somewhere safe to go. The best of luck to you. Be safe and dont do anything rash.

Answer 4

There is no good in a relationship in which you must "walk on egg shells" to survive. What is the quality of life? If your husband is emotionally/verbally and physically abuse towards you.. he has no respect for you. What about your daughter.. he may (when she gets older) so the same toward her, then what the quality of life for her? I think maybe you both need to talk about how he makes you feel, and suggest counceling (if that wont make him into a manic state to suggest) see if the marriage can be saved if thats what YOU want. But if you already know thats not what you want.. then continue the preparation to leave and support your daughter the best you can. Do this for your own safety and the safety of your daughter.. do it for your own self esteem. Listening to verbal abuse, emotional abuse is self esteem deflation. Go back to your parents house if that is an option or a sister, brother or even a good friend. Good luck to you. God bless you.

Answer 5

Hi, I am responding to your question for a second time. Listen young lady. You are young, beautiful and have your whole life ahead of you. Your 10 month old daughter will not benefit from the violence at home. Things wont get better. Divorce your husband, he will have to pay child support so that the child is taken care of. My advice to you previously was, get help, what about Family ?? Do you have a mother or father to talk to. The best way to deal with an abuser is to expose them - Don't be to proud.

If your daughter have to come to you one day, with the same dilemma, what advise would you give her ? Would you want her to suffer without you knowing, or would you help her ?

Answer 6

You should never stay with someone who is physically abuse, or mentally abuse as well. Do you have anyone, a family member perhaps, you could go to for help? Does the city you live in provide job finding help or educational services for single moms? Look at your options. I left my husband almost a year ago and am now on income assistance but I am going back to school in the fall and I have never been happier. It was the hardest thing I have ever done but it was also the smartest thing I have ever done too. Good Luck.

Answer 7

Hon, you need to do something and do something fast. Get to a safe place then worry about how to earn a living for you and your daughter. He will have to pay child support. To me it sounds like he might be Manic / Depressive. Of just plain ole' mean. You gotta get away asap - keep your sweet little one safe. Geesh if you lived in California I would take you in.
Do research when he isn't home, Make sure you don't leave evidence on the computer. There are women rescue places for battered women. Make your plan and then disappear. don't let him see it, but have some things packed. Do you have a car?
Once you are gone the cops can go with you to the house when he is at work and you can gather your things. Just make sure that you take important things with you when you first leave.
Your baby needs to be in a safe place.
Get away before he injures you seriously. The best thing to do for your daughter is to get the heck out of there.

Keep us posted ok????

We all want you and your little one safe

Answer 8

He sounds like a Dr. Jekyl/Mr.Hyde. He's probably suffers from schizoaffective disorder. This is his personality makeup and its not going to change. I've been there. The ones that run hot and cold running water are the worst. So Yes I think you should make a plan on leaving him. You said yourself you know he's not the one for you. ILook for a job. There is a social service agency in your area that will help you with housing, money for food, health care etc. Start doing whatever is necessary to provide for yourself and your daughter, but forget about him. He's a creep.

Answer 9

You ultimately have to make your own decision. Someone that tells you straight out what to do is WRONG, now saying that I will tell you I have stayed with a verbally and emotionally abusive man for almost 40 years. I was raised during a time you didnt walk away. You just grin and bear it!! Stay for the kid(s).... Now what my daughter has to say is it ruined her life and she wished I had left!!! She asked me when she was little could we go someplace beside home. Listen to your kids and your head! Your heart can be fooled and can fool you.... He will get progressively worse. Save up and make plans. If he starts toward being physically, GO! If you have your own car, keep things in your car incase you have to go in a hurry. Put money in a seperate account or in a sister or parents name. Even lawyers will set up accounts and h old money for you. BE WISE...dont blame yourself. Take it from someone who knows, the kids will blame themselves as they get older eventhough it is not their faults. Remember LOVE DOES NOT HURT!!! Find someone you can trust to talk to....a pastor, a doctor, a helpline. You are not alone...

Answer 10

Nobody deserves to be treated like an animal. You deserve to be respected not only because you are a woman, but because you when he said I DO to you... he made a commitment to take care of you, to love you, and protect you. Obviously he has some issues with himself. Sounds like he came from an abusive home or there is something from the past that is affecting him. If you stay not only will you be jeopardizing your physical and mental health but your baby girl's life. What if one day he really gets upset with you and takes it out on the baby. God forbid!!! Get away and let him know that he needs help!!! God bless!!