How do I stop farting?

Question

Every day, I like to eat about 2 pounds of refried beans a day, some bacon, lard, link sausages, 3 pounds of cheese, a gallon of milk, and a jar of pickles.

My flatulence problems are destroying my life. My wife wants to leave me and take the kids away. My boss threatened to fire me if I can't stop farting in front of clients. When I eat at Mexican restaurants, all of the patrons move their tables or leave. My favorite restaurant forbade me to return. To top it all off, I think one of my child's hospitalizations was due to inhaling copious amounts of my fart gas.

Flatulence is destroying my life and I don't know what to do. I can't change my diet, because other foods make me sick. I've tried Bean-o extra prescription strength and multiple enemas. Nothing seems to work. HELP!

Answer 1

You know how some people have to wear a colostomy bag? I think you need to wear a flatulence baloon.

What you do is you find the longest possible straw with one of those flexible bends in it. Take the end that would go in your drink and duct tape a large, empty balloon to it.

Then, take the end that would go into your mouth and stick it deep into your @ss. The idea is that as the gas approaches your anal sphincter, instead of passing out of your @ss, flapping your brown star and announcing to the world what a gasseous freak you are, the stench will instead silently vent into the balloon.

Now that I think of it, some durable surgical tubing might be a better choice than the straw. It comes in greater lengths, so you can decide whether to keep the baloon in your pocket or maybe just carry it under your arm. And when one baloon is full, you can use a clothespin or some sort of clamp to stem the tide while you tie off the first baloon and affix a new one.

It also might hurt less sliding the tubing into your @ss each morning.

One thing to consider is what to do with the baloons when they are full. I think it would be fun if you collected them and maybe gave them to friends or colleagues at work. But probably the environmental thing to do is to burn off their contents, with a sort of bunsen burner for your @ss gas.

I think you could mount the baloon with the mouth up and hold a match in the stream as you unclamp it. But to do this, you've got to avoid knotting the baloon when it's full because you'll never be able to untie it. Maybe you could use those small, black binder clips they have in most offices.

Honestly, I think you can turn this "problem" you have into something fun and unique about yourself. You might even become a clown because you will always have balloons with you. (An @ss clown, you might say...)

And the best part is, you can add some variety to your diet, like oatmeal, green peppers, broccolli and a lot of other high-fiber, high-flatulence foods that you have been avoiding.

Good luck and Happy Venting.

Answer 2

http://www.beanogas.com/?rotation=13765614&banner=41343619

Beano is a natural enzyme that helps your body to break down complex carbohydrates. Take Beano before every meal to prevent the gas, bloating and other discomforts that certain healthy foods can cause.

Beano comes in a convenient tablet or liquid, and it isn't just for beans. It also works on vegetables, whole grains, and other healthy foods. According to the food pyramid, these highly nutritious foods are an essential part of a healthy diet.

Sorry for the song below.. but hope it puts a smile on your face :

I Can't Stop Farting LYRICS
source:Queers Time:2005-08-10

Last night I had burritos and drank alot of beer
I got a problem and I don't know what to do
And now a funny smell is eminating from my rear
My girlfriend tries to hold her nose and falls into a swoon
I can't stop farting (4x)
HELP!
I sit and try to take a **** outta luck
I got a problem and I don't know what to do
My flatulant *** sounds like 27 ducks
HELP!
My sphincter rears it's ugly head as I clear out the room
I can't stop farting

Answer 3

DAMN!!

I thought I smelled something.... you're so toxic I can smell you from here.

Your only recourse is to live in a plastic bubble and have it hooked up to several air purifying filters .. for the OUTGOING air.

Answer 4

ok...I was just smiling till I read the part about one of your child's hospitalizations being due to inhaling copious amounts of your fart gas. What made it all the more enjoyable is you used correct grammar, punctuation and spelling.

Thanks for the chuckle.

Answer 5

Lay off the fried foods and start eating things that are more healthier for body

Answer 6

add 3 or more whole onions to the uncook beans and boil till ready, there should be no bubbles in the pot as it boils.

Answer 7

2 points!

Answer 8

You are not digesting your food properly. Digestive enzymes are the answer. You will have to find the one that works for you.

Answer 9

I have the exact same problem, but my diet is different. I eat a head of raw cauliflower, raw cucumbers, boiled eggs and lots of diet carbonated soda. I try not to burp after drinking the soda, but ironically, that seems to worsen the spewing of farts. Please help.

Answer 10

When your eating all these things eat some Beano right along with it!