OK...THIS IS A LONG 1...BUT PLEASE READ iT & HELP ME !!I HAVE BEEN WITH MY BOYFRIEND FOR ALMOST 4 YEARS.THE?

Question

1ST YEAR AND A HALF WAS WONDERFUL.THE REST WAS HORRIBLE.HE TREATED ME REALLY BAD & PUT ME DOWN & CALLED ME NAMES A LOT...NO PHYSICAL ABUSE THO.I KEPT TELLING HIM IF HE DID NOT STOP BEING SO MEAN.I WOULD EVENTUALLY FALL OUT OF LOVE WITH HIM & FOR THE MOST PART I DID.I TOLD HIM I WAS LEAVING HIM & HE BEGGED & BEGGED & BEGGED ME TO GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE & I TOLD HIM I DID NOT LOVE HIM AS MUCH AS I USED TO & I WAS NOT HAPPY WITH HIM & IF HE COULD ACCEPT THAT THEN I WOULD. WELL BEFOR I TOLD HIM THIS...ABOUT A WEEK BEFOR...I STARTED TALKING TO ANOTHER GUY.I ALSO SAW HIM A FEW TIMES.BUT NOTHING HAPPENED AT ALL.I TOLD MY BOYFRIEND ABOUT THIS...FOR I HAVE NEVER LIED TO HIM ABOUT ANYTHING...HE ASKED ME TO PROMISE TO STOP TALKING TO THE OTHER GUY & I DID BUT I STARTED TO AGAIN.NOW I CARE ABOUT THIS OTHER GUY A LOT & I DO N'T KNOW WHY I AM FEELING THIS WAY ABOUT ANOTHER MAN. IT IS WRONG! I AM AFRAID TO LEAVE MY BF CAUSE HE CANT AFFORD THE HOUSE & HE WILL LOOSE HIS DAUGHTER THEN... I LOVE HER TO

I HAVE BEEN WITH HIM SINCE I WAS 17 & THIS IS MY FIRST REALLY SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP...HE WAS MARRIED BEFOR ME...HE IS 23. I WAS NOT READY TO RAISE SOMEONE ELSES KID BUT I TOOK THE JOB ON...NOW HE IS EXTRAORDINARILY NICE TO ME...SINCE I THREATENED TO LEAVE HIM BUT I STILL AM NOT HAPPY...I THINK I LOST THE LOVE...I OFFERED TO MOVE OUT SO WE COULD WORK THINGS OUT EASIER...HE SAID IF I LEFT HE WOULD HATE ME FOREVER...I DO LOVE HIM BUT I CANNOT SEE MYSELF STAYING WITH HIM FOREVER & I AM NOT HAPPY EVEN THO HE IS TRYING SO HARD TO MAKE IT WORK I THINK I JUST WAS USED TO THE DRAMA...FROM MY CHILDHOOD...& WITHOUT IT I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO...PLEASE HELP ME...I THINK ABOUT THIS OTHER MAN CONSTANTLY & I FEEL BAD ABOUT IT...I HAVE TRIED MANY MANY TIMES TO TELL HIM I COULD NOT TALK TO HIM ANYMORE...BUT I CANNOT BRING MYSELF TO DO IT...I AM DRAWN TO THIS OTHER GUY... I LIKE HIM A LOT BUT HE HAS NOTHING GOING FOR HIM. WITH MY BF WE MADE A LIFE & I AM SCARED TO LEAVE HIM & BE ALONE !!!

I TOLD THIS OTHER GUY I WOULD NOT CHEAT ON MY BF WHAT-SO-EVER & HE HASN'T TRIED WE JUST TALK A LOT & HE SAYS HE WANTS TO BE WITH ME BUT I DO NOT LEAD HIM ON AT ALL !!!

I AM 20 ABOUT TO BE 21 IN 2 WEKKS...BY THE WAY. HIS DAUGHTER IS 4...ALMOST 5 & I HAVE BEEN IN HER LIFE SINCE SHE WAS 1...HE TREATS HIS DAUGHTER GREAT & TAKES VERY GOOD CARE OF HER !!!

YA...HE IS CRAZY JEALOUS NOW & DOESN'T TRUST ME...HE CHECKS MY PHONE & STAKES-OUT AT MY WORK...I HAVE MORE REASON NOT TO TRUST HIM...THIS UGLY STIPPER TOLD ME HE CHEATED ON ME WITH HER...THE WAY SHE SAID IT I DO NOT BELIEVE HER...BUT I WILL NEVER KNOW FOR SURE & I CANNOT GET OVER IT !!!

IF I DO LEAVE HIM I HAVE NOWHERE TO GO BUT 3000 MILE AWAY TO LIVE WITH MY DAD... I AM NOT TO SANE MYSELF BUT HIS ANGER SCARES ME SOMETIMES... I HAVE ALWAYS TAKEN CARE OF SOMEBODY...MY MOM IN GENERAL...I WAS PUT IN A FOSTER HOME & ONE OF THE MANY REASONS WAS BECAUSE I WAS "PARENTIFIED" I DO NOT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO WITH MY LIFE & I AM SCARED TO BE ALONE.

Answer 1

Unfoutunately, the seed of jelousy and mistrust have already been planted in your bf's brain. He's always going to be extra possessive of you now that he know's you've talked to another guy. It's not wrong to be attratcted to another guy; who could blame you after the way your bf has treated you! As cold as it sounds, his irresponsibility is not your problem, and if he loses his daughter, it's not your fault. You need to do what's best for you, and you have to know that someone treating you badly is not what's best. Apologies only go so far. Even if you hadn't been talking to anyone else, I would have still urged you to take a second look at your current bf immediately.

Answer 2

Sometimes the best thing you can do, especially in a situation like that, is to move 3000 miles away.

If you stay, I'd save some money (or find someone else!) to share an apartment with. Tell your boyfriend you would love to keep in touch, but the relationship isn't healthy for anyone involved. Take a picture of the daughter. Call often. Don't worry about the house. He can get an apartment.

If you think about the other guy constantly, you like him. Eventually, that will drive a wedge between you and your boyfriend. You say you'd never cheat on him, but the first horrible fight you have with your boyfriend you may end up crying on the other guys shoulder. Things escalate from there. No matter how good guys are, most will try to take advantage if they can. If you're going to try to work things out with your boyfriend, you'll have to sever contact with this other man.

You say he's "crazy jealous" and his anger scares you. Get out while you can. He's already verbally and emotionally abused you. Once an abuser, always an abuser. And it only escalates from there. Without counseling, neither of you will get the help you need and the relationship might end in a trip to the hospital and a restraining order. And you sound like the typical victim... You love him. You'd never leave him. You have no where else to go. Abuser's prey on this type of behaviour.

My thoughts: Get counseling.

Answer 3

Leave him. Make yourself happy. Do what's best for you. You said yourself that you were only happy for 1.5 years. That means you have been unhappy for 2.5. Really this question has little to do with the other man. It only has to do with you. Without love a relationship will not work long term. Stop waisting your time and his with someone that you aren't in love with.
You also need to stop beating yourself up about it. You are not a bad person for not loving him. You also are not a bad person for being interested in someone else. He just isn't the one, and that's OK...
Why wouldn't you have any place to go? If you don't all ready have a job then find one. Move into a crappy little apartment and save up money. Efficiency apartments are really cheap and that will at least give you the chance to get on your feet. I have a friend who we moves constantly (from state to state). He works crappy jobs (right now he works at a gas station, beforee that he was a waiter and befor that he did sales in a mall store) so it's not like he has money or anything. He just decides he wants to move, and finds efficiency apartments or sometimes single rooms for rent on the Internet. A lot of times you can find no deposit specials, and even if there is one it wont be more than a few hundred. Then he gives away/ throws away most of his stuff gets a bus ticket and goes. When he gets there he finds another little job near by (he has never drove). Once you move save up your money and find yourself a roommate and then move into a nicer place. Learn how to take care of yourself, so that you are never in this situation again.
Since you are young I would suggest moving to a college campus area. Rent would be low and you would be able to meet people.
My other suggestion is that if/when you start seeing this new guy or someone else don't move in together right away. I think that is the biggest mistake people make today. We move in before we really know what we are getting ourselves into and then when we see who the other person really is it's too late and we feel stuck.
Remember this too shall pass.
Good Luck!!!!!

Answer 4

You have a very heavy problem. I have been happily married for the last 16 years. This is my second relationship. My first lasted for 8 years. One of the most important issues I feel you need to address is...What makes ME happy? Although you may have loved your bf once, once it is gone, I found through the lives of my friends and family that that love is very hard to recapture. That is not to say that it is impossible but for it to happen, the issues that brought about the way you feel now have to change. Change will have to come from both of you. Even though it is his behavior that has become the issue, it is the way you face and deal with the issue that will make the difference. What makes your situation harder is that there is a young child involved. She is too young to really understand what is going on. You have the ability though to explain it, just remember to do so using terminology that she can understand. Another thing is that if you want to work things out with your bf, you cannot continue to see the new guy. You probably cannot help revealing to him the problems you are having at home and I'll bet that his input is probably very biased. If you are going to continue to see this man, leave out the part of your life that relates to your home life. It puts your boyfriend and his daughter at a disadvantage. If the bf really wants to make you happy, he is fighting an up hill battle because you are being influenced by another person who has his own agenda. But remember, do what makes you happy and productive. In life people get hurt all the time but it is not the end of the world. We only get from life what we are willing to put into it. You are under no legal or moral obligation to your bf or his daughter and his daughter is not going to hate you for whatever decision you make. Just make sure that if you decide to leave the relationship, you explain to her what you feel for her and that none of what is going on is her fault. Children have a tendency to hold in guilt and for a child 4 years of age, she needs to be a child without the baggage. I will be happy to discuss this with you further if you would like. My e-mail address is [e-mail]. My name is Jody. Also let me point out that this is an opinion from a man.

Answer 5

well aparently ur heart does not want 2 be there even after 4 years. u cannot force ur heart 2 be there when it does not. I am sorry he cannot afford his house but he can get something smaller n still keep his daughter.

regardless if he was that abusive n yes verbal abuse is as bad as physical then he does not deserve 2 be with anyone until he can get help 2 correct his problems. n they r his problems.

if he treated u this way infront of his daughter guess what he does not deserve 2 have her either. there is a big chance he will treat her the same way.

go with ur heart. maybe u just need 2 pick up the peices n move on. not jump into another relationship but take the time 2 become a better u.

do not ever put up with an abusive person, that is not love that is torture.

Answer 6

Wow. You're not alone. People are comfortable in what they know, whether they are happy or not. Stepping out of your comfort zone is hard. The fact that he is trying to fix things is good...but if you're not happy, it doesn't do any good-but you already know that. The answer is right in front of your face, you know what to do, I don't know. I stayed in the relationship. My love has returned...not the same way...better...different. Being interested in another guy has nothing to do with the way you feel, it's just a validation that other men ARE interested in you. I am 22 w/ 3 kids-one w/ a different father than my hubby, have been in foster care as well, etc. You can't live your life for someone else...remember that...He's a big boy, he can take care of himself and his daughter. If he's a good man, he'll still let you be a part of her life.

Answer 7

First , abuse is abuse whether it's physical OR mental. Physical abuse leaves behind physical evidence, mental abuse leaves behind invisible evidence: just because you can't see them doesn't mean they aren't there.
Second, it is not your fault that he can not afford the house, wouldn't he have the same concerns even if you WEREN'T a part of his life?
Third, it is very possible to fall out of love with someone, and it seems as though you may already have. Don't waste your time on a man who doesn't give you the respect you deserve. 4 years may seems like a long time, but what are you going to tell yourself in 10 years from now when you're still with him and he's treating you the same way, and may even be physically abusive by then? Think about it, and good luck to you. Maybe counseling will do you good as a couple.

Answer 8

It has been my Experience that men do not change. He probably treats you the way he does because his own father treated his mother that way and that's what he learned. I would say that you are in a very hard place with a child to think about even though she isn't yours. But most of all you have to do what makes you happy and keeps you safe. Even though he hasn't gotten physical with abuse verbal abuse is just as degrading, no one should have to live with abuse of any kind. If you was to leave him I'm sure he would find another women to help keep the house. Men always find another women. The other man is not a bad thing if you like each other and he makes you happy and he treats you with respect then you owe it to yourself... give your life a chance...be happy and watch out if you stay in this relationship it just gets worse even when you have the best of intentions... after all we all are human.

Answer 9

Oh lord, sweetie, what a mess. First of all, your boyfriend is an abuser. It's emotional abuse, which is often the worst kind. I grew up around that sort of thing, and all you did by telling him to stop, that you'd only fall out of love with him, was give him the green light to keep doing it. He needs to stop or you'll leave him. And chances are good that he won't, because he sees you as a weak person. Honey, don't stay with someone you don't love who treats you like that. It's not worth it. So what he can't afford the house. Sell it. And his daughter. Lord, I hate to even think what he's doing to her if he treats his "love" that way. But don't stay for her. You deserve better than that.

Answer 10

It sounds that you love him but the spark has left the relationship.Sometimes that happens after 4 yrs. together. This can happen to married people as well. I don't know how old are you but the feelings you are experiencing is normal. This other guy is new,exciting and maybe a little scary. It seems your boyfriend was thrown a lot of responsibility especially if he has the children.
What might help him and you is maybe go to family counseling.
Maybe your boyfriend can get help with his stress and how to deal with it.
If you truly love this guy & he loves you getting some help is the solution. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over,then expecting different results. Good Luck in what ever you decide.