Marriage and cheaters?

Question

My girlfriend" (against better judgement) - entered a relationship with a married man. Now, he claims that his marriage has been over for the last five years (out of an 18 year marriage). He has a child - doing so late in life. (the child is 3). Which in my oppinion (he will never leave his family- despite how much he claims his mariage is over. I dont see that.)
The girlfriend, finds it easier to date married men - (this I believe is used as a mechanism) because she was in an abusive marriage, and I believe it's her way of never getting close to a man that could hurt her again. But....what happens she, ends up with more confusions about "relatoninship issues" because this last man she feel in love with and now is dealing with.....the fact, he may not decided to leave his long lasted marriage I think this guy could do further damage;
Here is my question: How do I, as a friend, convince her to move on because, I see this could cause more damage to her already delusional idea of love

Answer 1

It sounds like you are right. She has baggage from prior relationships and is willing to take "leftovers" to avoid risk.

It is also possible, that it is self-destructive behavior. In other words, perhaps she chooses relationships that cannot succeed because she does not feel worthy of a successful relationship.

I think you have to coax her into therapy so she can examine her behavior and feelings.

You sound like a good friend.

Answer 2

I think this really depends on if you want to remain her close friend or become her not so distant enemy where she stops confiding in you. Honey, I honestly think she already knows she has issues, and if not dealing with them is her way of dealing with them, then let her be. This is one of those life lessons where we have to sit back and watch our friends fall flat on their faces a few times before they are willing to accept some help. You know, as well as everyone else, this guy is never going to leave his marriage. Think about it...he claims the marriage was over for the last five years right? And he has a son that's three? When you do the math, that doesn't exactly come out right. At one point in those five years, him and his wife apparently reconnected. He's feeding her a line and she's buying it. Just so he can have his cake and eat it too. If you want her to stop this self destructive behavior, get her out where she has the opportunity to meet other people, where she can put together some possibilities, and look past her current situation. In time, it'll happen. And until that does happen, be patient and be there for her, one day you can both look back on this laugh.

Answer 3

Hello Maria, while you seem to have evaluated her quite well, I'm sure you have already tried most of the things you can think of to stop her from going down this road. Have you already suggested that she seek professional counseling? If she has a job with a decent company she can go to here human resources dept. and tell them that she is having some issues (she doesn't have to say what type) and they can connect her to a counselor/psychologist for several sessions with little or no out of pocket expense on her part!
Maybe she did have a bad marriage and yes some men as well as women can be that way. She needs to learn that not every man is the way her husband was. She will also continue to need a good friend such as you to give her positive feedback.
Good luck

Answer 4

You can't. You can tell her they ALWAYS claim their marriage is over..but does she really think he's going home to her everyday and saying that to his wife? No, of course he isn't. If you really want to put the screws to this let the wife know, she'll take care of it! I've seen women throw years and years of their lives away over this stuff. She can't really love him and he certainly doesn't really love her....when you love someone you don't say well I'm going home to my wife and kid now but I'll be back next time I need to get off. Its an illusion, its not real life and therefore can't be real love. Besides if they'll do it with you they'll do it to you so even if he did leave his wife and marry her then she becomes the wife, that means she is the one he lies to and cheats on. This is about his character and his morals, neither of which he has many of. You could try to get her to see all of that. You can tell her that these relationships fail 98% of the time (even if they do get married eventually). None of it will mean much to her until she solves her own issues though. I'd encourage her to get some counselling and like I said I'd let the wife know, she won't leave her the option of getting over it in due time.

Answer 5

I am sure you both have talked about this before but maybe you should find out her relationship goals are on the longterm, Ask her if she doesn't want a man that will be "her"man. Remind her, that if God forbids and something happens to her at 3 am, she can't call this married man. These are some of the things you need to bring to her attention and also that "what goes around comes around". Just listen to her and then you add your comments. Do it in a way that she doesn't feel like you are judging her.

Answer 6

You must try to bring up actual instances about why this is bad for her. She naturally will see anything you say as jealousy, or even bring up your problems to avoid the issue. That's why concrete evidence is mandatory under these circumstances. Then, once she has accepted the fact that these guys are wrong for her, Convince her to leave men alone for a while and to turn her focus on others. She has male intimacy issues just like you mentioned. She needs to overcome these things before entering into anothers life.

Answer 7

How old is your girlfriend? If he has been married for 18 years, he must be at least mid to late 30's?? Is she a lot younger, or close to his age? That does make a difference in terms of understanding the situation.

She has to decide for herself that she wants to make a change in her life. Your role is to be her friend, be there for her if she needs your help, tell her what you think if she asks (and occasionally when she doesn't), and show by your example that she can do better with her life. Maybe she really is ok with how things are, and wants things to stay at this level.

The stats agree with you, by the way ... he probably won't leave his wife.

Best of luck to you and your friend.

Answer 8

If you try to talk to her logically, then most of the answers here are right, you can't.
However, if you're serious about this and would be willing to do anything to get her out... I have an idea...
You can't be a nice person to pull this off, but what you basically have to do is the agree with her but for a different (mean) reason.
When you tell her she needs to leave, she'll probably say something like "but I love him"
you can't tell her to leave him because it's good for her... you have to say, very seriously, confidently, and not in a nice way...
"you're right, you do love him, but only because you're an insecure, helpless person who doesn't know what to do with your life, and the only reason you're with him is because you like being used and unappreciated. in fact, if you actually ever met someone who actually cared about you, you'd be scared because you're so insecure that you don't know what to do if you ever met someone who actually cares for you."
then walk away.
Once again, you can't be too nice of a person. People don't think logically when they're "in love" so you can't try to convince them of anything logically. I find an approach like this is the only way to help your friends in a situation like this. I must warn you, though, that she might be mad at you...

Answer 9

You can't convince her. She already knows it's wrong, she already knows the risks she takes. You as a friend can just stop her in her tracks and refuse to listen to her "complaining" about her married boyfriend. "I'm sorry, but I'm really tired of hearing about this same crap with you. I will no longer listen about this topic because it irritates me so." Honestly, refuse to listen to her drama....she only uses it as a means for people to feel sorry for her. Back in the day- women NEVER spoke of their affairs; for fear of rejection from friends and family and even being 'marked' in society. We somehow think it's acceptable if the married person isn't happy. Not true, often times, it's the married person who's expending time outside of their marriage which is making all the unhappiness. Your friend is only pertetuating a bad marriage.

Answer 10

buy a book called "Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix. You should be able to find it at a used book store even.
Read it, and tell her about what you are learning. See, if you can entice her to read the book when you are through. One of the first topics the book covers is "Why we choose the people we choose'. Very interesting and surprisingly it helps people who've been hurt understand what is going on in their brain and helps a person to heal so they can find 'real' love. Good Luck.