please read one of my latest poems and tell me what you think (all feed back please) good or bad?

Question

Time

A stranger with a looking glass

through which falls clocks like tears from the clouds of my heart into vast seas of waking dreams where even the dearest that I love best are strange

Nahh much rather stranger then the rest

I long for seans where men have never trod

For places where women have neither cried nor slept, and there to abide with my creator; God, - and sleep as in childhood I sweetly slept

Untroubled and Untroubling where I lay

The grass blow the volted sky

thanks for pointing out the spelling error i made it was meant to say scenes

Answer 1

Sorry, it doesn't make sense and the spelling is terrible. You've taken a lot of phrases and strung them together. You can not write poetry and ignore the rules! [Poetry does not have to rhyme but you can't write a bunch of prose or junk and call it a poem.

Answer 2

Hmmm, has potential. Punctuation could be improved, eg, "...creator, God", not semi-colon. Don't underestimate the power of punctuation, even within the sentence if you don't want to end on full stops, to give it fluidity and the pace you want it to be read.

It's poetic and the "Nahh" breaks the flow (maybe what you want?) and sticks out like a sore thumb.

I love the way to organised the sentences though, 2 single sentences, then a double, 2 singles, double and then 2 singles again. Nicely forming a shape, so visually, it's appealing and has movement. Your poem is also very evokative, lots of depth and expresses a lot of movement.

Keep it up.

Answer 3

Why looking glass instead of mirror? It should be fall not falls- one thing falls, two thing fall. Tears from clouds sounds, to me, rather trite.Seans or scenes? Why capitalise Untroubling?Is it blow or below? Volted or vaulted? I like it, it is very peaceful, but it conveys to me a sense of your own desire for isolation. Hope this is of some use to you.

Answer 4

I think it is a great poem! I just dont think that the way u were writing it kinda like shakespear (i dont know how to spell it so dont laugh) and then u said Nahh that doent sound like shakespear sooooo...thats the only thing i found wrong ( i like that it was like shakespear thats some of the best poetry and writing around) its just that shakespear wouldnt say Nahh OH WELL even with that I LOVED IT! I also right poetry mayb we can e-mail eachother and help each other out with our poems (CUZ I REALLY NEED HELP!!)

Answer 5

My friend , the last poem i read but two minutes ago , took the wind from my sails . This has shaken me to my very foundations . You are without doubt , one of the finest Poets I have ever read . If you were a musician , you would be hailed in the same vein as Bob Marley or Bob Dylan . The poetry Mafia has it's eye on you my Friend, you are going right to the top.

Answer 6

I think its good to, but you need to get the gramer sorted out as it doesn't make much sense on the first reading! What do you think of mine?

Its a lonely walk on hills high
where nobody needs to go but I.
Out here a peace prevails
all is fresh and new and ever changing
within the sands of time.
No boundries are made here by the hands of mankind
Out here and in the depths of my mind.

Its a lonely walk on hills high,
where nobody needs to go but I,

I stand before this open vastness
awake and alive and open eyed.
The clouds stare back at me,
like massive changing faces
bearing tidings of the many lives.

All our we, written on this earth,
out here and in the depths of our minds.

Answer 7

if she said an he said ,an what r Sean's, u must of meant sands, an a stranger within a looking glass or mirror surely, you context is shot but ur ode is true, fair play to you for sharing and inviting criticism xxxx

Answer 8

I think it's good, I like the way you personify time (a stranger with a looking glass)---am I reading that right?

Answer 9

It is very good has a subject and is very well written, but I think you should make sentences a bit shorter, a beautiful poetry has shorter sentences, but a hell lot of meaning.

Answer 10

Yeah, thats a nice poem