I am currently engaged (3rd time) to the same guy), he says he's ready but, no date yet, what should i do?

Question

He has called off the engagement twice, and now we are engaged again, we have a daughter and a 5 year relationship, things have been really rough but now we feel that we are both adults, mind you we are really never on the same page. I love him but, I sorta don't think he really loves me the way I love him, am I delusional? Our daughter is 4 years old so , we have not had much time in knowing each other. We now feel that we are getting to know each other. He has no enthusiasm about getting married, he can't even make up his mind about a date! What should I do? I have kinda given up on the whole marriage thing. Am I just hoping for a miracle?

Answer 1

I don't know the particulars of your releationship but it sound like maybe you hooked up with this guy very young and ended up with an unplanned pregnancy. Now you are parents and feel a tie to each other...but is it really love? It sounds to me like maybe he feels he should do the "right" thing and that's why he's engaged to you. Problem may be just that he really isn't ready or isn't really in love with you the way a husband and wife who plan to spend the rest of their lives together should be. I doubt that the 3rd time will be a charm and if he does go through with it, I'm not sure he's the type that would put forth the necessary effort to effectively make a marriage work. Try to have an honest heart to heart with him but be ready and open to hear the truth, even if it turns out to be what you fear the most. Be strong for yourself and your child, demand the love and commitment you both deserve or else cut him loose and provide a more consistent, secure environment for your daughter and yourself. Take care and good luck.

Answer 2

You must decide what you want and communicate that to him. It is clear that he's not sure. He may be marrying you because it's the "right thing to do"; and that is the wrong reason because it is not genuine love.

Think about your emotions and tell him what you feel and what you want. Be clear: no hints or indirect messages.

If you do not feel loved, then it is important to clear that up BEFORE you tie the knot. You don't know exactly what he's thinking because he has not told you. You can ask. If he cannot communicate his needs, wants and emotions, then how can you have a loving relationship? You have these problems now; they will intensify and be much more confusing if you marry each other before straightening them out.

You said he called off the engagement twice. He's procrastinating because he doesn't want to get married. The reason is unknown. He might be scared that you will leave him, he might be afraid that he'll fail as a husband, he might be afraid of the responsibility. He may have fallen out of love with you. I don't want to be harsh but you must hope for the best and be ready for the worst.

The both of you should be excited to get married. If you both don't love each other 100%, then there is no point to getting married. Be honest with yourself: why do you love him? why do you want to marry him? do you believe the marriage will last?

You must ask yourself these questions before you walk down that aisle.

Set standards for yourself; what kind of relationship do you want? what kind of relationship will you settle for?

You are entitled to a loving relationship. If you do not feel loved you must say so. Men can get very comfortable and we need to be told that we're slacking off.

The two of you have some talking to do. Remember, if he's not willing to change you can't force him to change. You can either wait for him to change or you guys can take some time apart and see how things go.

The key idea is this: you must look out for your own happiness; if you are trying to make things better and he's not, then you have to be willing to let go.

Answer 3

You're hoping for something thats not gonna happen. It seems as if he proposed because part of him feels its the "right" thing to do. You have a child together and have been together for awhile marriage is the next logical step. Doesn't mean it's the right step. Calling off the engagement once is a clear sign he doesn't want to get married. Second time is an even bigger red flag. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. You need to look at why you keep getting back with someone who doesn't want to marry you. Comfort? It's easier? Don't want to be a single mom? I would say move on and make a life for you and your child. He can still be in the picture as a Father but not as a lover. Good Luck.

Answer 4

What are your goals for a relationship? Obviously you want to be married and have a stable family. Why compromise on such an important goal? This guy doesn't *really* want to be with you. Sooner or later he'll find something better and walk out on you, married or not. Is this something worth waiting for? Or would you rather spend time looking for someone who can be a committed husband and father? I mean, is there any reason at all why you feel it's better to stick with the guy who will probably leave eventually anyway, rather than taking a gamble and working on fulfilling your true goals? Only you can answer that. I know, it seems like you have so much invested in this relationship; but realistically, this is a high-risk, low-yield investment. Please reconsider it seriously.

Answer 5

probably. Guys stick around until their child is about 4 -- evolution planned it that way. It takes maturity, commitment, love, admiration, respect, and trust for marriages and relationships to go forward. That he has dis-engaged several times ought to tell you something about this man's ability to make a commitment. You have spent enough of your good years with this guy. The ultimatum is in order----"If we do not get married by ----- Then we are finished." It is called the "IF. THEN contract. But be aware, there is the untimatum -- if it doesn't happen, you must be aware that it is really over. However, I think you already know that anyway. It appears you really don't love HIM you love what you THINK he is , and they are not the same. If marriage is important to you, this guy has shown you repeatedly that he is not willing to marry. You stay under his terms, or you leave to find a husband.... simple, but not very nice, at least for awhile.... Good luck, sweetie.

Answer 6

hahaah.......... it amazes me how people let themselves be screwed by other people.
no you're not delusional. he's getting the milk for free and doesn't need the cow and a calf and all the bills that come with that.
WTF is wrong with people today? Why the hell did you even have a kid with him if you weren't married. Yeah, conservative people get criticized for saying that you should not have sex before marriage.
There you go... you now can see what happens to people who think they can trust someone else before they are in a committed relationship. Lady, you have been screwed, and you deserve better. Unfortunatelly, that is not going to be easy now and the sad thing is that the kid suffers the most. She doesn't get to have a real daddy, or maybe she gets to have a daddy who may or not treat her right (A good number of molested kids come from homes where their real father has been replaced by a "nice guy" who may or may not be all that nice when nobody is looking.
I wish you the best, and a good life is still a possibility, just that the chances of finding a decent guy are lower now.

Answer 7

Hmm. seems like you are both remaining in the relationship because it is a "safe" place to be. He may be taking you for granted and figures you will always be there due to your little girl...Are you scared to leave him because you don't think you can find someone else due to the fact that you have a small child?? TRUST ME..there are wonderful men out there that would love you and your daughter!! Your happiness is what matters, your daughter is young and she will adjust fine if you decide to leave her Father. If your Fiance was serious about marrying you, he would have taken advantage of it no later than the second time. It's time to tell him you need to have a real life and a secure future for both you and your daughter. Good Luck!!!

Answer 8

If you have been engaged three times and things are really rough, what are you in it for? I understand you may love him and you have a child together, but it does not sound like a good idea to keep trying to MAKE it work. That never has a good outcome.

I was living with a boyfriend for two years who kept saying he wanted to get married, then changed his mind. He and I found it harder and harder to get along, and finally things just fell apart. I was devastated because I loved him and really wanted it to work. But I moved out and eventually we stopped talking.

Then, I met my now husband and we got along so well and communicated so well, it was wonderful! And once he told me he wanted to marry me, it actually happened. It's amazing how much easier it is and how much happier you are when the relationship actually works, and you get a chance to enjoy it.

Move on....you'll be much happier!!

Answer 9

Things like this is really hard. So many things must be running through his mind. Just give him time. When he is ready he will be ready. you dont want to rush him and you guys get married and then he wants to get a divorce. That would be really bad. I know you love him but i think he is just scared. I think you should just pray for him to make the right decision. All will fall into place cause you love him.

Answer 10

Wow, this your third time engaged! It sounds like he's not interested in getting married. I suggest that you have a talk with him and let him know how all this makes you feel and what's his reasoning for such delays. From there and depending on his justification, you to decide on what you're going to do next and if this sort of relationship is a healthy one that holds a future. Good Luck to you!!!