1) 'Jack sat on the roof. He'd been sitting there all night, realising that she was perfect.'
or
2) '"Victory!" yelled Jude, puching her fist in the air. "I got a demotion!" She swung down from her perch in the tree...'
2006-08-24 04:57:04 · 30 answers · asked by StaceyMayBrown 2 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Other - Entertainment
btw, the first one isn't a romance novel. Jack has been following this girl and him and Jude have to take her to be a spy (which is what her being perfect refers to).
the second one is the second of the series, so it sounds like i'll have more people reading the second book if they read the beginings.
2006-08-24 05:08:36 · update #1
It's not a cheesey animal story (2nd one). Jude just happened to be sitting in a tree.
2006-08-26 08:39:47 · update #2
someone said about not thinking the kids it's aimed at would care. And how exactly do you know who it's aimed at?????
2006-08-26 08:44:09 · update #3
sorry, ALWAYS GOTTA KNOW, but Jude would so NOT say it like that. If you knew her character you would get why she just has to say it like that.
2006-08-26 08:48:21 · update #4
i would read them, and im a guy. ur a really good writer from wat i see. do u hav more to it, because i would love to hear more.
email: doubletheaa@yahoo.com
2006-08-24 05:05:00 · answer #1 · answered by KABOSE 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know anything you write will be spell checked. In future do it when you submit a question. If the distration starts with mispellig or poor grammar, the writing will go nowhere. Just good advice.
The word "victory" is too specific and not a pleasant word to see starting a sentence. If you wrote,
"Demoted? I got demoted!" Jude braced one arm against a tree branch and punched the other in the air. "At last," she yelled in triumph, "I got the demotion." Elated, she grabbed the nearby rope tethered to the largest branch and swung down, narrowly missing her partner in crime who appeared stunned with the good news.
You can see how the familiar word draws one in and one is kept reading and wonderig when they realize that this is a positive thing. What's going on here?
But, spelling and grammar are everything. Learn it well.
2006-08-24 12:29:21 · answer #2 · answered by ALWAYS GOTTA KNOW 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The first one is good to the point at the end of 'he'd been sitting there all night', you could have called it a story in itself and finished it there the way you finished the sentence...'realising she was perfect!' No titillation at all....no scenery introduction, character description. You set up the concluding scenario too soon, the main character shouldn't be thinking about the perfect ending so soon...too boring, predictable and 'twist-less'.
You got it right starting up with an interesting and unusual scene.... I think you may just have inspired me to do some writing
2006-08-24 12:08:38 · answer #3 · answered by syelark 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'd have to be honest and say neither -sorry. The first sounds too contrived, the second just plain daft. Read the opening paragraph of One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. It can't be bettered in any language, in my opinion. Aim for something like that.
2006-08-24 12:09:34 · answer #4 · answered by J C 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The first sounds almost stalkerish and would suggest either a crime story or psychological thriller.
The second sounds like it could go in any number of directions but more likely on a sureal or fantasy genre and would give it a wider appeal dependant on where it goes.
I could possibly be tempted to read either of these.
2006-08-24 12:03:21 · answer #5 · answered by Treat Infamy 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She swung down from her perch in the tree...
I assumed that 'she' was some sort of bird and you were writing some kind of talking animal story, I'd consider re-wording this if you want to be taken seriously!
2006-08-24 12:13:57 · answer #6 · answered by lisa_lee100 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think there has to be a bit more to it- drag it out a bit, the first one is good but "realised she was perfect" is a bit cheesy
teh second sounds quite random so I would go along with the second because its weird, doesnt really make sense and makes you want to read more!!!
2006-08-24 11:59:51 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
The second sounds more interesting than the first but I personally wouldn't read further than the first sentance with either - both sound a bit childish to me, sorry!
2006-08-24 12:09:10 · answer #8 · answered by Katie D 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Number 2 but be sure to use spell check...there are several problems in those sentences. I chose two because I wanted to read more why someone would be glad to go down the ladder that leads to success.
2006-08-24 12:00:45 · answer #9 · answered by Sally M 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The second one is much more interesting than the first.
The first would be more interesting if "she" referred to a boat. Otherwise, it's just another romance novel, which wouldn't interest me.
2006-08-24 11:59:31 · answer #10 · answered by mollyneville 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Both of them set up curiosity for the rest of the book so as long as neither of them go off the rails yeah I`d read them
2006-08-24 12:03:08 · answer #11 · answered by dnlrawson 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋