Husband very quiet after father's passing. How should I?

Question

His father passed away about 1 month ago. He's been extremely quite and snaps at me for any "irrational" (in his mind) comment I make. I have been patient and have been here for him thru all of this. I normally know when to leave him alone, but at least b4 bed and in the morning he would at least kiss me goodnight/goodbye. Now nothing. I ask him what's wrong and why he's treating me this way and he says " he's just quiet". I know he misses his father and it;s been very hard cause they were very close. How long will this go on? I try being as sympathetic as I can....But what about our relationship. Also, we've only been intimate once since what happened and I know he wasn't into it.... I hate to sound so self-centered, but my patience is wearing thin.... Advice would be appreciated.. Thanks.

Answer 1

hi, ive been thru this, my dad died suddenly, and it screwed with my head, so much so that i recognise myself from your description of your hubby. i had a sign printed which said, just because i have a face like thunder, and am not speaking to anyone, doesnt mean im in a bad mood...

it got so bad i went to the local hospital and saw the duty psychiatrist (its like casualty, you can just walk in) and after about 2 or 3 hours he explained i wasnt going mad, or cracking up, it was just grief. it manifests itself in many ways. and we all go thru it one way or another.

i was very close to my dad, we worked together for almost 15 years, and i still miss him ten years later. and i feel an incredible guilt, i persuaded him to have the op which was supposed ot save his life, and he died. yes i know its not my fault, and that i shouldnt blame myself, but, it happened, and i felt responsible.

i was seriously depressed for 18 months, i didint speak, i shouted at the kids, i treated my poor wife appalingly..( i totally ignored her) and i retreated into a safe shell, where it was warm, and no one disturbed my thoughts... in truth it took me 3 years to accept it, and a bit longer to get back into the real world. but that was ten years ago.

i never hit my wife, and i didnt hit the bottle, all i wanted was to be leeft alone..and they did. but i missed everything in their lifes for the 3 years. i watched teh world go by.

give him time, and my e-mail, he might just want to chat to somoene whose been there, and who isnt connected to his life in any way. we talk easier to total strangers than we do to our loved ones. (we dont like to admit failure..or that we arent coping very well)

and you arent self centred, no doubt both your olds are alive and well, so you just dont understand whats happening, which is to be expected. it doesnt matter how may funerals you attend as a friend of the deceased, when its somoene really close, parent or partner, or sibling, its a whole differernt ball game.

and try to avoid the sympathy bit, youre right after a while its all a bit much, you both end up tiptoe-ing on eggshells. and thats not good, for either of you. if he cant deal with whats in his head, he certainly doesnt want to deal with you. he'll see it as a distraction. and he doenst want to stop thinking about his dad. i have no doubt he loves you as much as he has always done. but now, he feels alone, abandoned and distraught. and he will get over it, but its not going to happen in ten minutes.


stuart

Answer 2

Give it time. Wow you are an impatient wife! 1 month into grieving for a father who was close and and you offer no support or quite time.

Give him a break if you care.

On the other hand 6 months is too long. So somewhere between now and 6 months all should be close to well. Maybe two years before entirely well.

Remember the old saying "time heals all"

Answer 3

That he is in morning and you are not is disturbing. I realize that his father was just another man to you, but please you have to have patience, a lot of patience. That everybody has gone thru this that has lost parents and survived should be some consolence, so know that the grieving will end, but don't expect any man to get over it in a month. Dads, especially good dads happen only once in a lifetime. Look at it as if you lost your mom who may have been a good mom and now your never going to see her again, could you see how its affecting him? Yes he is grouchy, so go find other things to do and he will wake up, he will wake up, but not yet, ok?

Answer 4

There are several stages a person goes through when they loose someone close to them. They had no control and feel vulnerable, like a reality check for themselves and all the things we wish we should have said, could have done......
Give him permission to cry. And allow the time to cope. It is not about you. It was a life changing event and the hurt is too real. If he is as close to you as he was his father, how could he go through loosing you and having to deal with the same pain all over again. Some people don't understand and the only way to deal is to hide within and try to figure it out. So sorry for your lose. No advice, just my opinion, and opinion does not give you power;,,, just something to think about.

Answer 5

Your husband is grieving very deeply. He doesn't know how to express his feelings and when you talk to him, I'm sure his emotions well to the surface. I understand how he feels as there are events in my life that happened recently that I CAN'T speak about. When I say these things out loud my emotions come thundering up.

Just try to be patient with your husband. Leave him alone and wait. I wonder if he'd feel like talking to a therapist? Or keeping a journal? Something to work through his feelings...

For some of us, we are so sensitive it is doubly hard when we suffer losses.

Answer 6

My grandfather just past away last month also, and his son has taken it very hard as well. Your husband already knows that you support him by the way you have responded to the situation thus far. I think you should gently confront him about how you feel he has been expressing himself. He might refuse, but he could also surprise you. I would encourage him to spend time doing something he and his father enjoyed doing together. That is what helped my uncle. He also became closer with his mother. I hope this might help in some way.

Answer 7

It's not uncommon for men to retreat into themselves in times of extreme stress or loss. He may be uncomfortable experiencing and expressing his feelings of loss, and may be expressing anger (at you) as a substitute. I think you are right to allow him the space to do this, and hopefully he will begin to come back out and engage more fully with you. A month is a very short time for the resolution of grief.

In terms of the intimacy, he may feel guilty experiencing pleasure, or his anger/hurt is getting in the way.

You didn't mention your husband's age or the circumstances of his father's death, both of which may be important considerations.

Try to give him space to grieve and be supportive. If the situation persists, you may want to speak to a therapist about your concerns.

Answer 8

I went through this very thing with my hubby in June - when his father died. First, my deepest sympathy to you and your husband.

It is possible that he is suffering from depression, which is what happened to my hubby. He had every symptom that yours has. I finally convinced him to go to the doctor and that was his diagnosis. He put him on a very mild antidepressant for a couple of months and he was able to sort through all his feelings and emotions during that time. He is no longer taking them and is doing great.

I hope this helps. Good luck. And always tell him, whether he wants to hear it or not, that you love him and are there for him when he needs you.

Answer 9

Do things with him for now that allow him to stay 'quiet'. Take a ride out to the lake or river and just sit by the water for a few hours. Take a hike in the woods. Go catch a movie or two.

Answer 10

It's only been 1 month. You need to give him time and space. Men as a species (my self included) are not equipped to discuss their feelings. Hell we're not even really equipped to deal with strong emotions. Were taught all our lives to keep it inside and deal with it. So we brood until the pain goes away. If you try to make him talk about emotions that he not even really comfortable with himself, your only going to put his back up. All you can do is tell him that you love him and you're there form him. It's tough, but that's all you can really do for now. Stand firm and all will right itself.