Any advice for a 1st timer on marrying someone who's been married before and has two children?

Question

We've been together for 3 years, and are planning to marry in the Spring. His marriage to his ex was the result of a "suprise pregnancy" (she's recently admitted that she new what she was doing, and did it on purpose). He tried very hard for many years to make things work out, even having a second child, but it was inevitable.The relationship I have with his children is wonderful, I love them as my own. However, being a christian, I question whether we can create that perfect life that I've always wanted, by just doing things the right way, and correct order, when I approach the subject of children, he shys away claiming "Ive already done all that stuff", refering to the two children that we see once a month and on holidays. He's a wonderful father and I know he'll make a great husband, but I worry that our values and ambitions will conflict. So basically what I need is advice and like a "What to expect when you're marrying a man who's been married before and has 2 kids" book.

We've been together for 3 years and are planning to marry in the Spring. His marriage to his ex was the result of a "suprise pregnancy", he tried very hard to make it work out and they even had a second child in hopes of a "fix", but it was inevitable. The relationship I have with his children is wonderful, I have helped raise them and love them as my own, but feel that I would like to have a child as well some day but when I approach the subject he shys away claiming "Ive already done all that stuff" He's a great father and I know he'll be a good husband But as a christian (he is as well)I have the desire to live my life right and do things in the correct order, but I fear that our ambitions and values will conflict. We are doing premarital counceling but I wanted a subjective opinion as well as an objective point of view. So any experience, advice ,or references to books is greatly appreciated. p.s. quitting is nearly out of the question, im very adamant.

Answer 1

Marrying someone who has a ready-made family is sometimes very difficult and could cause problems. If you have no kids and you're marrying someone with kids, many times the other person doesn't want any more kids and you must decide what's best for you. Many women want to have children of their own and to come into a marriage with someone who doesn't want to have anymore kids is depriving yourself from happiness. There is nothing like having your own child. Child birth is a beautiful thing that can't be subsituted. That is one of the biggest joys that any woman can have in her life! It's a wonderful experience for a first time mother. Just knowing that life is in you. When you're marrying someone that has been married before and also has children, you must prepare yourself for the ex. The ex will be in the picture always because your husband has kids by her. You must get use to him going over to her house and picking the kids up sometimes when you're not around which takes a lot of trust. If you are willing to sacrifice not having kids of your own, then go for the marriage. I personally don't recommend getting married to someone who does not share your same interests and plans for the future. It will cause problems in your marriage and eventually end in a divorce or a conflicting marriage. All marriages are going to have their ups and downs but that is a big drop down when it comes to children and you wanting your own. Secondly, women were put on Earth to have kids. IF you have no medical problems that are keeping you from having children, don't settle. I almost made the exact same mistake a few years ago.

Answer 2

First, dont' let your Christian beliefs determine the compatibility of the relationship. It's only a small piece of the bigger picture. It's indictative by you two being together for 3 years. That's a real long time. He's probably a believer also but he has one chink in that armor ... he past marriage. I'm Catholic but also believe that marriage is a gift of union in the eyes of God, professed in front of family and friends. A divorce shatters that image and along with it all the things a marriage was meant to be in heart and mind. That includes the subject of children.

What should you expect? No different than a man who never was married or has kids. Period. He's a human being. The best thing I've see is that you have seen the good in his heart. Let him know that. He probably questions his ability to be a good husband, father, or lover because of the "failure" he experienced. It's true. He may say, "Ive already done all that stuff" but tell him not with you. And that's what the future will be about ... you two. Yes the kids will be there but it still is just you two.

You may need some outside intervention: a priest, therapist, counselor. Honestly, I believe it can work and God has crossed your paths for a reason. But God only helps those who help themselves, right?

Answer 3

Considering that I have never been married before and my now husband has been married and has 4 kids I know where you are coming from. Oddly enough I was the one that said I would never have kids. My husband said he would like to have more. We have discussed this and we have come to the conclusion that if we have kids great, if we don't that is fine to.

If you love this man then you should sit down and discuss your concerns, values and ambitions in you life and his. Really listen to what he has to say and I would hope he would do the same. With regards to the kid stuff...his ex tricked him in to having kids.... understand the reason why he is a little gun shy about having more kids. Be a little understanding about that and just let it be for the moment.

The only thing(s) that should be coming to the marriage is him and his love for you. Yes he has kids and it is up to him to figure out how much he wants you involved in his kids lives. My husbands ex doesn't want me anywhere near the kids???? Then again she still figures they are married(been divorced for 4 years now) but that is another story.

Communicate with him.... if his is not willing to sit down and talk about all of this, then perhaps some counselling of some sort.

Answer 4

Just because he has done it all, doesn't mean you have.
There is no way I am going to marry a guy that says he couldn't see children in our future!
Have you thought about this...maybe he's not with his ex and left her because he wants a life without kids. I am sure he loves his children, and all that, but there is a difference of a life with kids and a life without. When you have children you are tied down to what you can and can not do. Maybe he don't want to fulltime responsibility of it and part time is all he does want.
He says he's done that already, but you haven't. And if you get pregnant in the future, what is going to happen to your relationship?
I would really think about this before I made this decision. A life without your own kids, I don't think I would give that up for any man!

Answer 5

Well you need to realize that anyone in a previous marriage has baggage that goes with it. His not wanting to have children may be a right now issue... you need to speak to him about your wanting children after you are married and if he does not agree you can either say ok or maybe you will need to think on that one as to how important it is. Being together for the last 3 years should show him a bit different in you.

Answer 6

Obviously you need to communicate more with the one your with rather than to ask the public on this question. Its a very sensitive issue that it will take experience and time for you. Every situation is different and I'm sure I and the others can give you the surger coated version and the not so nice version. You've been with him for X amount of years and don't think it will change once your married because you the title.

Answer 7

The two of you should go in for counseling with your pastor just to make sure you are "on the same page" when it comes to kids. Sounds like he doesn't want any more kids? If you do and he doesn't, don't get married - you are looking at heartbreak and divorce down the road. Go to counseling together - you may be able to compromise to something you are both happy with. DON'T GET MARRIED UNTIL YOU GET THIS RESOLVED!

Answer 8

Personally, I would not get involved with someone who was previously married and has kids. I've dated divorced men but never considered marrying them because I always wanted to share that special day with a guy who had also not been married before. There is someone better for you out there - go find him!

Answer 9

I did just like you did and i treat 2 girls as my own but plm is taht she didn't like how i do with kids and stuff. and I told her if we married it take two people to work it out and make what best for the kids and she said even if we are married and no one tells me what to do or how to do with my kids. What did I do???? Of course I walked out.. she was crying want me back and said she is sorry. She said it clearly and she means that and now begging me back? Nope. I moved on and Met my ex girlfriend and got married and she didn't think I will last long to be married... wrong!!! my ex girlfriend has no kids and also me too. so We got married and have our own kids and 3rd on the way in march 2007 and I am so happy. I try so many time with others who had kids and still haveing plm with ex and all that.

I didn't want to deal with it anymore. So I rather to be with someone who did or was married before but no kids. and That is my wife that her first marriage and it my second marriage..

Speaking first marriage, We been married for 8 months and I quit and walked out. Reason why? she threat to divorce me, we arug all the time little stupid thing every day. and we don't have sex. and also she want to have baby and I told her no becasue we not working it out and stuff... she though having baby will solve our plm. wrong. so i told her no. walked out I am glad I did it.... Smiling. Second marriage is the best for 9 years in oct 06 smiling. wish you luck.

P.S. are you willing to deal with his ex wife every day??? I can't stand my ex girlfriend 2 girl's father and it drive me crazy an dhe don't like me at all and I treat his girls alot of respect .. but didn't work out and walked out. smiling. she said I should of change that and never said that to you... you are right and I am happy you are married and have your own kids.

Answer 10

I think you should really sit down with him and talk to him about what you're feeling not that you're doubting him or anything you should just share your feelings with him...I'm sure he'll be supportive and be happy you came to talk to him....as for advice I'm sorry I cant really help you with that...I hope I helped a little though...