Finding happiness means breaking a family?

Question

I feel very depressed and alone in my relationship and wantt o be happy again. I truly feel I want to seperate from my current relationship and be single. Does this mean I am brekaing our family and being selfish?
Two children involved and I am not stopping the father from seeing them.

Answer 1

Before you rip your family apart, you need to take a few steps to see if things can be mended.

You definately should NOT separate from your marriage and your children until you are NOT depressed. Making this kind of decision requires you to have your full faculties and it further requires that you work this decision through with your husband. Making a decision all on your own - while you are feeling depressed and isolated - means that the decision is not a fully made decision.

Your husband is half of this relationship - he is entitled to know what is going on; he is entitled to be part of the decision; he is entitled to work through the problem and he is entitled to be part of the solution if one can be found. You have no right whatsoever to do this alone.

And you have two children. This is not - repeat, NOT - all about you anymore. You no longer have any right to take actions that are all about you. (This is not to say that you should not take care of yourself; you have to care for yourself - this is to say that once you made the decision to have children, you made the decision to put them first and you don't get to change that decision now.) They rely on you to be stable, loving and confident. You have to take care of yourself to do that - and while that may mean counseling and time spent on you, it does NOT mean you get to separate from them.

Please deal with the depression first. Depression - and I have A LOT of experience with it - it runs in my family; I've taken care of a mother who died from it and I have gone through it myself -- depression is not a mental problem. It is a medical/physical problem. It has emotional components to it, but it has to be treated both medically and psycnologically.

GO TO A PSYCHIATRIST. Start with your family physician and have him or her recommend a therapist. Get on some meds to level yourself out and begin counseling. As you come out of the painful fog and weight of depression, you will - I promise you - you will see things differently. Then you can begin counseling with your husband to deal with any problems that may -- or may not -- exist in the marriage.

If it turns out you have problems and the only way they can be solved is divorce, then you may go down that road. If, however, it turns out you have problems that can be solved - or no problems at all - then you have survived; your marriage has survived and your children are undamaged.

Whatever you do, do not make a decision to leave when you are depressed. That WOULD be a selfish decision and you will - I guarantee it - regret that decision. Please get help.

Answer 2

The first thing you need to do is address your depression. Being depressed makes you view things in a different light and it isn't a good idea to be making these types of decisions in this state of mind, especially when children are involved. As you didn't provide a tremendous amount of background or information in your post, I really have no idea if you wanting out of the relationship is a smart move or a selfish one. I suggset you go see a doctor to address your depression issue first. Once you have that in check, you should be able to make a clear-headed decision. Provided your husband isn't abusing you or the children in any way, I would suggest giving your marriage every chance it deserves. When you got married you intended it to be for life, for better or worse, didn't you? Read books, get counselling, try to respark you relationship if that's what the problem is. Whatever the problem (other than abuse, in which case you should get out as fast as you can), you owe it to yourself, your husband and your children to make an honest effort to work it out. If in the end, when all is said and done, you just are unable to be happy in the marriage then the best thing you could do for all of you is to end it. Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak. Sometimes it means you are strong enough to let go. Try saving the marriage first. Here is a website that may help rekindle some flame if the problem lies therein. I've read her two books, Light his Fire and Light her Fire. They are excellent and worked for my husband and I. As for the other stuff on her site, I've never checked them out. You could probably borrow the books for your local library. Anyway, best of luck to you and your family. I hope it works out for you all.

http://www.lightyourfire.com/index.cfm?&affid=102

Answer 3

No one else can make you happy that is something that comes from within. You don't say what is causing your depression, but staying together for the family is never a good thing. Also leaving and starting over on your own is not easy. Maybe consider some individual or couples counseling before making such a big decision. I wish you luck.

Just a side thought, maybe it is time you were a little selfish?

Answer 4

Divorce is the worst among the things that are allowed (In My Religion). Sometimes you have to sacrifice something for others. Children are the most important asset of parents, and these innocent souls want to see their parents together. As both of them are integral parts of their lives. I don’t know what is the attitude of your husband however if he is not a bad person and does not treat you badly. I think you should stay with him. However if he is person with a bad attitude then you can think of leaving him. I still suggest you to be with your husband look after your children, love and care for them, may be in return they will give you the happiness that you are looking for.
If your husband does not give time to you, you can give a little more attention to him and try to find the reason behind it.
God always help you if your intentions are good and noble,..

Answer 5

Are we seeing the dawn of a new relationship genre?
Life has gotten so easy that we seem undeterred from long lasting marital bliss.
My wife & I are in the exact same boat. What really saddens me is that everyone...everyone we speak to has similar depression in their relationships.
We have 3 children holding us together right now, and we are exploring a trial separation. Marriage counseling is giving us a ton to think about...so hopefully we aren't sunk yet.
We know several people who separated & dated others, only to get back together.....kind of like a relationship vacation.
Problem is, I don't know if any of them are any happier with each other....but they are together.

Answer 6

you're not being selfish. life isn't just about keeping the "family life visible". family life is about love, communication, fun, enjoyment of life together. this doesn't seem like that at all. staying in this relationship will cause damage to you and then you won't be able to function properly or be a good mother. if you think there's no hope then leave. that isn't selfish. marriage is a contract and it can be broken at anytime where there is justifiable need. depression isn't justifiable. making yourself miserable is not part of life.

Answer 7

No you are not, everyone deserves to be happy in their life. Your children will love both mom and dad, but judt not as a couple. Not every relationship last.

I always say we only get one life, one! if we go through life knowing what we know and not doing anything to change it so that we are happy. What really is the point? I don't want to be 45 realizing that i should have left. No regrets, i live by that. We all want to be happy. Children know ehan their parents aren't happy, that isn't healthy for them as well.

No regrets in life, one life.....

Answer 8

If that is what it takes to be happy than it is not selfish. Sometimes it means the guy out of the picture for a women and her children to be happy

Answer 9

I firmly believe it is infinitely better to have two happy involved (divorced) parents than two married and miserable ones. But you should try therapy with your husband first to see if things can be fixed. If not, you're a much better mom happy.

Answer 10

Why would you want to end your family? Is what ever worth loosing your family over? Can you not work with your other in order to make the relationship work?