Question for those who come from divorced parents...?

Question

Did you blame either parent or were you just mad at both of them? How did you deal with it, especially as teenagers. Did you ever get past it and did it hurt the relationship you have now?

I'm getting the divorce. I'm asking this question because I'm wondering how my kids will feel in the long run.

Answer 1

Don't EVER put your kids in the middle. That means NO trash-talking about your spouse, or trying to make things difficult on holidays, etc., just to get your way (or, even worse, just to make sure your ex doesn't get his/her way). You have to put your kids' interests first every single minute--the divorce isn't their fault. Even if it means being civil to your ex when you don't want to. Do it for their sake. They'll pay you back in spades over the years,because you won't lose them.

Answer 2

My parents divorced when I was 10. I blamed my so-called Dad at first, because that's what Smother said, that he was a lying, cheating, horrible, etc., etc.

Though, the way Smother treated me after, especially during my teens- dumping on me, poisoning me against men, overcontrolling, treating me like a fashion accessory or trophy instead of a human, generally taking out her bitterness against him on me; I started wondering, if she might have been that way to him, and why he married her in the first place- that's not letting him off the hook, he made a promise, and fathered a child, and then turned traitor.

I don't have a relationship with either one, now. The only reason I know where Smother lives is that she's still in the same house, and she didn't get invited to my wedding. My godparents gave me away. I'm not sure if "Dad" is still alive. Frankly, I don't really care. I have my godparents and my husband's family.

So, the moral to this story is DO NOT take your anger at your spouse out on your kids. If you need a sounding board, find an adult friend or counselor, not the kids. DO NOT vilify or tear down your spouse (especially if you'll later follow it up with a disgusted "You're just like your father!") because your kids will take it as a condemnation of them, too. DO NOT abandon your kids and leave them wondering why you even bothered to conceive them. DO NOT use the kids to send messages back & forth, they are not a messenger service and don't need to be in the middle of whatever fight is going on.

Sorry. 17 years later, it still hurts to think how much they've wounded me.

Answer 3

My parents were divorced when I was about 9. I don't remember blaming either of them . . . in fact, I was shocked, cause I did not know anything was wrong. Later, my mom left the state and I was very hurt because I felt abandoned. I was not really angry about the divorce, though. I don't think it affected my relationships. My brother, on the other hand was very angry and did not get married for many years due to their divorce. Sometimes it depends on the kid
My daughters are a different story. They blame their dad, cause he is the one that left us and took up with a younger woman (four years older than their oldest brother). He not only left me, but he left them behind as well. I think that this has affected their relationships at this point in their lives, I hope it will not permantly affect them. Bottom line, everyone is different.
You need to look at what you are going through and how you are responding to it. See if you need any help dealing.

Answer 4

My parents divorced when I was very young. As I got older (into my teens) I started to get very angry that I didn't have the "ideal" family. I blamed my dad for leaving and my mom for not making it work. But as I got older, I realized that these people aren't just there for my benefit as parents, but that they are real people with their own wants and desires and needs. I know that they tried for the sake of the family to make it work, but in the long run, I know that living with a happy, separated family, versus an unhappy family that stayed together, was much better for everyone in the long run.
I now have the best relationship I could ask for with both of my parents. They are both supportive of me and I don't hold anything against them.
I know how you must feel right now...when parents separate, it's easy to look for someone to blame. The most important thing you have to realize though, is that in the long run, it really will be better for everyone involved that they parted ways. You'll learn that no matter what, they are still your parents and they still love you with all their hearts!
My favorite saying that may help is; The older you get, the smarter your parents were.
Keep your head up!

Answer 5

My parents got divorced when I was 14 ( in 2000) . I didn't put any blame on my parents , I don't know why you would . It felt strange at first not having my mom around . I didn't see her that much because she didn't have a very permanent living situation . I got very depressed because I was lonely . About a month later I got see my mom more often because she moved into a trailer park .
When parents get divorced it's mostly for the better . Because it very hard for a kid to hear their parents yell and scream at each other. My mom felt like she could be herself when she left. I later found out she was gay. That explained a lot.
If you need to talk to me , e-mail me at [e-mail]
Blanche

Answer 6

I tended to favor one over the other depending on who i was mad at, it is terrible, but i was young and immature. The worst thing is feeling in the middle between your parents and having to choose sides, this created serious problems for the child, feeling of guilt and resentment. try to make the divorce as positive as possible and keep line of communication open. When my parents were going through the divorce, we all did therapy, i recommend it. A neutral party to just listen.
Although I am now in a great relationship, i have had serious trust problems and currently still have commitment issues. My view of marriage is not a positive one. I

Answer 7

Just because your parents have divorced each other doesn't mean that they have divorced you. Talk to each of them about it. See their side and explain what you are feeling as well. When you are a teen your parents are like aliens. But once you become adult, parents become more like friends. Yes you will hurt because your family relationship has changed. You just have to create a new relationship with each parent. Stay open minded and don't be judgemental as well. Communication is the key.

Answer 8

Well, I'm actually going through it now as an adult. I'm mad at my mom because I know things typically children don't know during a divorce. As long as the parents don't trash talk about the other in front of the kid and both keep up contact, there's no big anger issues.

Answer 9

I didn't blame either one of them at the time, though I grieved. What angered me came later - my mother trying to turn me against my father because she hated him; my dad not coming around or communicating with me for three years when I was a teen, then thirteen years when I was an adult; a stepmother who hated my guts before I even met her and who tried to turn my dad against me; and an abusive, alcoholic stepfather that my mother wouldn't leave, no matter how badly he treated me and my siblings, and her. I was furious with the both of them over those things - I even hated my mother for a while. I don't bother with my dad anymore - he's gotten more bizarre over the years; he's a transvestite who wants the surgery to become a woman. He doesn't want to be my dad - he just wants to be one of the girls. I get along with my mom now, though the past is a barrier to true closeness with her - I have to make an effort to push the anger of past years aside so I can maintain a relationship with her. Anyway, when I do bring up the bad stuff that casts her in a less than perfect light, she professes not to remember it. She's big on denial, past and present.

Answer 10

My parents were divorced when i was 6 I seen my dad periodically and never blamed anyone it was just life. I did not think about it until I grew up and got married then I realized what married life was like and it was not as easy as we think when we are younger. I am still close with my Mom but my Dad still even with as much as I have tried to contact him has not put in the effort to get to know me. I don't feel bad it is just his lost that is all. If he were to come to me today I would not hold any bad feelings towards him as we all live our lives and as no one is in our shoes we can not judge there actions.