Would someone tell me something really funny? Feel kinda blue 2day.?

Answer 1

I tasted some food that was so bad, I spit it out onto the middle of the table without thinking. They haven't invited me back to that restaurant since.

Answer 2

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would produce enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body that it could squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes long. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach can live up to nine days without it's head before it starves to death. (Creepy. I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Warning: Do not try this at home........ maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the......?!")

The flea can jump up to 350 times its body length. For a human, that would be equivalent to jumping the length of a entire football field. (30 minutes....lucky pig.... Can you imagine 30 minute orgasm??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond or the sea?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life.... quality over quantity!)

Butterflies can taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmmm........ won't go there.)

Right-handed people live, on an average, live nine years longer than left-handed people. (Glad to be right handed.)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing.)

A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig???)

Answer 3

40 THINGS YOU'D LIKE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK

1. "I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****."
2. "I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce."
3. "How about never? Is never good for you?"
4. "I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public."
5. "I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way."
6. "I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter."
7. "I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message."
8. "I don't work here. I'm a consultant."
9. "It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying."
10. "Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again."
11. "I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid."
12. "You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers."
13. "I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn."
14. "I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth."
15. "I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you."
16. "Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view."
17. "The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist."
18. "Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental."
19. "What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?"
20. "I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant."
21. "It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off."
22. "Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial."
23. "And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?"
24. "Do I look like a people person?"
25. "This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting."
26. "I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left."
27. "Sarcasm is just one more service we offer."
28. "If I throw a stick, will you leave?"
29. "Errors have been made. Others will be blamed."
30. "Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed."
31. "I'm trying to imagine you with a personality."
32. "A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door."
33. "Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?"
34. "Too many freaks, not enough circuses."
35. "Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?"
36. "Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done."
37. "How do I set a laser printer to stun?"
38. "I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted a salary."
39. "Who lit the fuse on your tampon?"
40. "Oh I get it... like humour... but different!"

Answer 4

Yeah, I went to a party recently and got very drunk. Feeling a tad sick I went to the bathroom and found someone passed out of the toilet so vomitted into the bath. Only when I wiped my chin did I realise there was also someone passed out in the bath and I had thrown up all over their chest!!!

I proceeded to scoop some of the warm, lumpy liquid up the persons chest to their own chin to give the impression that they had puked on themselves, and it worked !!!!

Answer 5

well, when it was easter, they had chocolate bunnies in the cake shop window. The sun was blaring through the window and all their faces started to melt. One melted into a phallus shape and a young girl walked past and asked her mummy what it was, and the mother said, "well I don't think they should be selling THOSE in the shop!"
I laughed for about 20 minutes at that. *lol*

Answer 6

i went out for dinner with my parents

half way through my dad crashed to the floor

we thought he had taken a heart attack

then we realised he was laughing

he had reached over to the left of the table to get the salt but had his legs crossed to the right so he fell over

funny and relief at the same time!!!

Answer 7

Would you find funny a fact, that the"blue" (light blue,to be more correct,they have one word for this ) colour in ex-Soviet Union republics means gomosexual(men). Pink - lesbian. So they use it like names for that category of people. If you name by this colour any man, they can easily beat your face- it is very offensive

Answer 8

Reader's Digest has a lot of funny stuff. Sadly, I'm not a comedian.

Answer 9

Old Chinese Proberb

Man who masturbates into cash register
soon cums into money.

Aint that a howler or what!

Answer 10

An ill-fitting thong begets a sore 'taint. Think about it....