Is it jealousy?

Question

My closest friend of 15 years is going through IVF treatment, and I know that she wants it to succeed,she seems desperate for a baby . My problen is this : I feel that she wants a baby for all the wrong reasons, and I almost don't want it to work for her !
I have 2 kids myself, and I once had this need to have kids, so if anyone should understand, it should be !! She doesn't know how I really feel, but I just don't think she would be a good mum ! She's far too selfish, as she has forced her husband to agree to the IVF , when he clearly told her from the word go, that he didn't want kids.
I know you will all say that I'm the one being selfish here..but I know her so well .What do you all think? Should I be a bit more understanding, or tell her how I really feel? Please be gentle with me !!

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to answer my question, it will be very hard to pick a best answer, as they are all BEST ! Thank you guys.
I need to add that my friend has emotional issues, she's insecure, cries if one of my kids says in the heat of the moment " I don't like you" ..she's very needy and has taken advantage of her husband's good, giving nature . When they do have my kids for a couple of hours, it's the husband who takes care of them, not her, and she says if she has a baby, she KNOWS that I will be on call 24/7 to help her out. Of course I would help, but she wants a baby because all our friends have kids, I honestly don't believe that it's a " maternal " instict, she wants it for the attention it will get her . Sounds nasty, but it's true. I will support her, but that's how I feel, I'm not a horrible friend at all . Thank you again to you ALL .

Answer 1

You're not jealous as such, after all you have your own life and kids ... I think maybe you're concerned for your friend and the possible effect the treatment could have on her marriage. If it works, things may turn out great, it if doesn't would she blame her husband, would he blame her, would the resentment make them separate and eventually divorce?

Maybe you should leave them to resolve things in their own way.

Answer 2

Considering you feel this strongly then don't tell her how you feel, it's really none of your business. It's a natural instinct for all women to want to be a mother, and it's not for you to judge how capable she will be in the role. In any case, having a baby will change her...you never know, she might turn out to be a fantastic mother.
The fact that she has 'forced' her hubby to have IVF, well that is their problem to deal with as husband and wife. He's obviously agreed because he doesn't want to lose her, which is fair enough.
Leave them to it, and if you're a good friend then just try and be supportive. Offer advice when appropriate (and when it will be well received). If you feel you must put your opinions across then make sure it is for her own benefit, and not yours, and make sure you phrase it right...she could take your views very personally and you could jeopardise your friendship!

Answer 3

But I am sure there are a lot of people who you, I and everybody thinks would not make good parents, or would make absolutely awful parents. When you have a child, as you must know there is usually a bond which grows stronger every minute and usually as such most parents become 'with practice' pretty good parents.
Who are you to judge her at this stage? I am sure you are thinking of the childs future but dont worry, look at me for example, I was not and am not the perfect mother but, I love my child more than the world and would do anything to prove that, and my child has survived and grown into a wonderful person and guess what my child loves me I think (always on the phone, popping round etc, I'm sure your friend will be the same.
You have to remember back to before motherhood, what were you like as a person etc? probably not too much different to how your friend is now maybe. She cant be that bad, you are friends with her!

Answer 4

Im sorry to say but I do think you are being selfish, this is obviously something that she really wants and you should hope that it works for her. I have known some people who I have thought would make great Mums/Dads but then I dont like the way they are bringing up their kids. It's none of my business how they go about parenting because none of us know how our own will turn out so who are we to pass judgement on who is or will be a good parent. As you know it is always different when you have your own. You are obviously a good and honest friend but in my opinion you should never ever say anything to your friend about what you think or how you feel about it, It's between her and her partner and if she does fall pregnant and I hope she does she will need someone who she can trust and turn to for advice because lets face it we all make mistakes with our kids.

Answer 5

You're probably right that she shouldn't have kids. Not because she's selfish though, my wife and I are selfish as we've pleased nobody but ourselves for the last 8 years. Soon we'll have a baby to take care of and the selfishness will end because there isn't a choice in the matter, nature will over-rule (I hope anyway!!)
The real problem is that her husband doesn't want children and she's forced him into it, having said that he wouldn't go with it if he really felt so strong against would he?
My philosophy is that it's their life, let them get on with it and hope for the best. There's really nothing you can do is there?

Answer 6

its not about being gentle I'm gone tell it how it is . its you're best bet 2 do both. tell her how u feel and be understanding. u cant lose that way. if u be supportive then she'll know you're a good friend and if u tell her u could be changing her life in a good manor. by telling her the/her cons, she'll have something 2 think about and if she decide 2 have a baby this time it might be 4 all the right reasons. in time of telling her, let her know u have her back with any choice.

Answer 7

I think we're all selfish until our children are born and the reality hits home.
Who is the more selfish - a woman who wants children or the man who refuses to let his wife have children? Let them work it out. BTW My husband was always adamant he didn't felt paternal but when my daughter was born, he fell in love. It was such a tangible emotion it filled the room. I tease him now and he feels he is a totally different person.
This si something you can never be right or wrong about. It takes time and personalities. It might work, it might not. Just be there, don't judge.

Answer 8

How about trying to get her to babysit both your kids for a day ... get them to be extra difficult somehow ... and see if she still wants kids after that. She clearly doesn't realise what having kids is all about, so show her that it's a big decision & a huge responsibility not to be taken lightly. Talking to her is important, but extreme tact needs to be used & it might ruin your friendship. Good luck. You're right though, some people just shouldn't be parents.

Answer 9

if she's that adament to have kids, i really wouldn't venture into telling her otherwise sternly.

maybe you could start up a conversation and drop hints? i'm sure you know how her mind works after 15 years of friendship, so spark her thoughts..u give the pointers, in a way that she comes to the same conclusions that you have and gives up...

but if she comes across defensive, i really would leave it! maybe she'll become a good mum once she has the kids - people change with new situations - this could her point of change?

Answer 10

Be gentle with you!
Be gentle with her, yes, you should be more understanding. You say you almost don't want it to work for her, understand your own motives first. You've had your child needs fulfilled, but can you remember how strong that need was? and how you would have felt if a so called good friend had told you that you wouldn't make a good mum!
Catch yourself on, and mind your own business!