what is the mental state of kids of divorced parents?

Question

the mental state of such kids and the affect of the same on their health.. any remedial measures that can be adopted for their welfare

Answer 1

Let me state up front that I do not believe in divorce with possibility of remarriage except in case of adultery, or if one party changes religion and the other refuses to keep living together. Sometimes divorce in a legal sense is necessary to ensure one's personal safety, but I would not consider remarriage an option in such a case(1).

But if divorce does become necessary, the measures taken for the child's welfare have to start well in advance, particularly if the child is very young. The child should be informed in advance, for example, that Daddy is planning to move out to his own apartment.

The child is going to of course want to know why, I suppose it would be enough to say that Mommy and Daddy are having problems living together - without either party saying anything bad about the other to the child - that they've talked about the problems and tried to come up with a solution, and in the end it turns out the best solution is to stop living together.

Before the actual move out, the child should be taken to visit the new place of residence of the parent who is moving, and then they should be told, for example: next Saturday, I am going to move here, and then the next Saturday - so I have time to get the apartment set up properly, put all the furniture in place, etc. - you can come visit me here for the weekend.

Because let me tell you something, from personal experience (as in, I was the three-year-old): if you spring something like this on the child at the last minute with no advance preparation, there is no way to explain to even the most intelligent three-year-old that if Daddy is going out and not coming back, this does NOT mean s/he will never see Daddy again.

And that will be so traumatic that the child will feel completely lost and most probably block out the moment when Daddy moved out. And quite frankly, the child is beyond help at that point, because the same things that made it impossible for Mommy and Daddy to get along will be the things that also make it impossible for them to create a healthy environment for their child.

I think in particular of dealing appropriately with anger. Many people repress their anger, then it explodes and destroys their marriage. It also results in 'disciplining' of children out of anger. Which is a good way to teach children that violence is the way to solve their problems.

While they are still too small to do anything, they will merely train their minds to be completely hard and completely impervious to your 'discipline'. Eventually, they will get sick of inappropriate displays of anger and stop showing any affection at all, and when they get to be young teenagers, it will occur to them that now they might have a chance of successfully defending themselves.

And don't fool yourself - they will be well aware that they can only fight off an assailant who outweighs them by 80 pounds if they use a lethal weapon. And they will know that they have to act really fast. So they will spend all their spare time training their minds so that they will be able to act without having to think about it.

If you do make the mistake of dealing inappropriately with your anger with respect to such a child, you will find that they treat you as an evil enemy object to be neutralized, and nothing more. They will be thinking only about one thing: winning. And they will get such an adrenaline high that they'll be three times stronger than usual and time will simply stand still for them and they'll have all the time in the world to plan their course of action and.... execute it.

In other words, dealing with anger at children in an inappropriate manner is a good way to get yourself killed someday. And the only way to prevent the problem is the same thing you need to do to preserve a marriage: learn to deal appropriately with anger.

I am no expert in how to do that. Again, I am the child described above (except that in the end, I was 17 and didn't even need a weapon anymore - thankfully, a third party convinced my assailant to leave me alone....), and at the age of 42 I am still trying to unlearn that kind of thinking...

I suppose one thing that has helped me a lot is to realize that no amount of violence can satisfy anger. One can go out and personally kill each inhabitant of a large city and burn the place to the ground, and it still won't satisfy. So in that case, one learns to let go of that rage. One learns to think 'I have better things to do with my time.'

Another thing that has helped is finding constructive ways to channel anger: so, writing that highly assertive letter to the deadbeat customer, or taking other kinds of action to fix the situation. Anger then can be viewed as a signal that some sort of action needs to be taken.

Another thing which I'm sure would help, though I have not taken any formal instruction in this area, is to learn martial arts. Obviously, if one is of pacifist convictions as I am, this will be informed by conscience - so, no weapons, hands only, and the focus is on trying to defuse the conflict without actual combat, but if it is, then the martial arts training gives the tools necessary to use the assailant's strength against them, to use only the minimum amount of force necessary to do the job (rather than immediately having recourse to lethal means).

And indeed, even a cursory knowledge of martial arts gives the awareness that any time one uses force, it can be used against one, so that aggression is never a good idea, even from the viewpoint of pure self-interest, much less any thoughts of loving one's neighbor - including one's enemy.

Indeed, I think that having this kind of spiritual conviction(2) can be a real lifesaver (I know it was for me) - it can provide motivation to find more constructive ways to deal with anger when everything else in one's life is propelling one in a direction of 'Neutralize. Neutralize. Neutralize.'

I think maybe parents who have made mistakes have a chance of helping their children - IF they are willing to first change their own lives so they can be an example to them. If they adopt peaceful spiritual convictions, realize that destructive expressions of anger will solve nothing, decide they have better things to do with their time, treat anger as a signal that some action needs to be taken, and spend time learning and thinking of constructive things to be done in given situations.

One big caution here: you can expect that even if you start 'doing the right thing', children will test you. If your efforts are concrete enough for them to notice - so, if they see you reading Parent Effectiveness Training books, or taking a martial arts class, or visiting a therapist to deal with anger issues, etc. - it will be obvious to them that there is a 'targeted response' on their part which is being aimed at, and they will even purposely behave contrary to this targeted response, to see your reaction.

If you get angry at them about this, they will know that all these books and training and therapy are just a means to manipulate their behavior, and you will completely lose their trust. You may well never regain it, you may well never again be able to have any positive influence in your child's life.

So you must, before you even let your child know that you are taking these steps, think about how you will respond if they don't act 'like they're supposed to'. The time to think about that is NOW - when there isn't a tense situation directly at hand. You must keep absolutely calm - even a hint of anything else, and they will know that if they push just a little more, you'll lose your temper. So, you keep calm and implement whatever strategy you have decided upon in advance.

And again: I think this issue of manipulation, too, is a huge part of the problem in marital conflict as well. So, while it is good to do all these things to help one's child if a divorce has already happened, it is better to simply make the necessary changes in one's relationship with one's spouse, and then there will be no need to ask how to help children whose parents are divorced.

Most of all, a child needs to know that they won't be abandoned. No easy feat when parents are abandoning each other. One could forgive a child for thinking that the parents have credibility issues. Because they do in fact. What they really need to do is have that commitment to each other and do that for each other, rather than having to do it for their kids in circumstances which are to say the least not conducive to trust on the kids' part.

So, I've said this in various ways between the lines above, but now I'll say it plainly: even if you are 'technically divorced' to ensure your own safety, even if your spouse and you just don't see eye-to-eye on the really important things in life, unless they have actually gone and married someone else, the best thing to do for your children is to do for your spouse as well what you will be doing for them: do your part to attempt a reconciliation, using new ways of dealing with problems as detailed above; if all else fails, you have a clear conscience and can at least salvage your relationship with your children.

If you have already screwed everything up beyond help, there is always God. Of course, the kid will then have to do for him/herself what in other circumstances might have been done for him/her at a young age. And the child may well be angry about that, so that it may take a lot longer for them to heal than it would have otherwise. But hey, I lived to write this letter, right? If God can do it for me, He can do it for anyone.(3)

And if my experience can help anyone else, I'd say it was worth the trouble to gain whatever knowledge I have in these matters. Though that having been said, I hope you'll never have to find out the hard way how much it's helped me to get such thoughts as these down on paper. So, thanks so much for asking...

May God bless you

Answer 2

You need to keep reassuring them on how much they are loved from you and your husband,that it will never or could ever change no matter what,and that the choices that you and their daddy had made was because of you two and not them by no means.They are just feeling alittle insecure at this time in their lives and they have the right to.They don't understand why the family is now going to be alittle bit different,but they need to be reminded how this doesn't change things as far as seeing their father.It takes time to adjust,but they will,and what ever was going on inside the home must of not been to good to have come to where you are at today.So the harmful part could of started from the beginning of this divorce.Which is not good,so they are probably better off now then to be subject to witnessing the down fall of your marriage.You are a loving and devoted mother,or you would of not have submitted your concerns for your children,the best thing you can do as i stated earlier is to show them all the love and support and let them know how special they are to you and daddy,that you love daddy to in your on way,but it has to be this way for reasons that are between you and daddy.I truly feel your deep sadness towards this whole issue for you and the children.You hang in there and keep up the good work and always try to keep the father involved to help you on some tuff issues when it does come to the kids,you will need it.I wish you the best and Good Luck to you all.God Bless!

Answer 3

About 99% of it depends on how their parents act towards the children and each other. Parents should take classes about how to be divorced when there are children involved. Children of divorced parents tend to wonder if it was something they did to cause the split, they become insecure, they have trust issues. There is a lot that comes with the territory. That doesn't mean that divorce is a bad thing. Nothing makes me more anrgy than the old "we are staying together for the sake of the kids" when all the parents do is fight and cheat on one another. Family therapy is not a bad idea.

Answer 4

It depends on how well the ex couple respects each other. And they very well should for the sake of the kid(s). My child is a very bright and socially active girl that lives with her father in another state. She is a very well adjusted 12 yr old that loves both of us and respects us both. But we equally respect each other. Don't pass down to your children something that did not work out between the parents. ALWAYS show the utmost respect for each other-And NEVER NEVER talk about the "other" parent to your kid(s) in a bad way. That is very wrong! No matter how much you two did not get along-the mutual love for the kid(s) is still there and you have to do what is best for the child-not you or the ex!

Answer 5

trying to reduce the stress of a child during the transition period is the best thing. Parents should try and keep a steady schedule for the children, kids need something they can count on and expect on a day to day basis. Parents should also try and have the children have the same rules at both homes for continuity. Children should also be getting plenty of sleep for their age. Sleep reduces stress for everyone, this is especially true if they are trying to adjust to a new or difficult situation. Staying in the same school would also reduce a child's stress. Again this gives them something else that is constant to look forward to and depend on. Let me know if you have any questions again, happy to help anytime.

Answer 6

when our dad left us, i wanted to celebrate like new year of mardi gras!
i was so extremely happy that he left but was anxious for a long time fearing he'd return......he didn't!
mom and us 3 kids did real well without that bad dude around to scare and ridicule us all the time.

Answer 7

I don't know the technical stuff but I do no that whatever happens in you childs life it can screw them up.