Divorce moms I need your help please?

Question

I've been divorced for 6 years and have 4 daughters- 7, 11, 14, 17. I am primary caregiver and their father has them everyother weekend. He is $20,000 behind on child support and I have been struggling for years. This summer I decided to move to a larger city with more opportunity to build my real estate career. The city is 35 miles from small town I was is. My whole family lives there and they were very against me moving. They believe the big city is sinful and not a place to raise children and they want to take my kids from me. I live with my fiance so that is sinful as well and I'm a bad role model. My ex has totally brain washed my kids against me and convinced them to stay with him and go to school as usual instead of moving and changing schools which he thinks would be detrimental to their well being. At the moment my kids act like they hate me and don't want to be with me. I feel like everyone is against me and all I want to do is provide a better life for us and get ahead.

Answer 1

Hmmmm,
I understand your problem. I too have felt as if everyone was against me. Why don't you explain to your children the situation and let them make the call, if you don't feel comfortable with that then go by the golden rule( or at least what should be): Your are the parent. What ever you say goes. Also, you have every right to keep your children. Your ex is 20,000 behind in child support. What does that say about his ethic? Until he pays off that child support don't let him make a single decision about your children that could be detrimental. Your children are brain washed because when they see their father all they see are the fun times. They don't have many chores or anything over there because they don't live with him. You know whats best. KEEP YOUR BABIES! You care enough to move to provide a better life for your family and yourself. As for your family, show them that the city isn't a sinful place. Don't do anything that would make them think worse of it than they already do. Prove everyone wrong. Once you get what you've worked for everyone will flock back to you. Remember good things come to those who wait. You'll get yours and they'll get theirs.

Answer 2

I would continue to do what is best for you and your family. Sounds like you are going in the right direction. People will say bad things about you but don't let them get you down. No matter where you move they will say something but it sounds like a place not to far from the family (35 miles). There is sin everywhere but sounds like you are getting married and making that right and showing your kids that no matter what your family says you can make it. I completely understand about the brainwashing. I think that you should give the 17 year old the option since it is high school and will be of age shortly. I think you should all go to family counseling or do some good family communications and compromises. Kids do not understand the big picture but as they get older they will thank you.

Answer 3

Divorce is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do/live with, mainly because it isn't just over when the court says 'you're divorced'. That said, I have a few words of wisdom from a woman who has been drug through the manure known as custody agreements for the last ten years by an ex with more money than I will ever hope to have. First, you need to make sure that your state knows that he's way the heck behind in his child support. He can lose his licenses (driver's, hunting, business, etc) which might get his attention. Second, read your divorce/cusotdy papers VERY carefully. In my state there's a clause about moving more than a certain distance. If there is you will have to go into court and get new papers drawn up, which might be more trouble than its worth to move to a bigger city. When/if you do go to court, you want to make sure the judge knows WHY you are moving - to earn more money. Your whole family is not what's important, and while I would strongly urge you to find some support groups for single parenting, divorced parents or something similiar, what they think of your life doesn't court unless you want it too. It may be hard to do, but you need to go with an attitude of either they live with it quietly or you stop being around them. Living with another person might also be in violation of your parenting plan - READ CAREFULLY, trust me if your ex realizes he can get you into trouble, you'll be sorry. Your kids are a hard one, my advice is find some counseling for all of you as a group to talk about things. The older two are allowed to tell the courts where they want to live, they might not get what they want, but they are allowed an opinion. The younger two aren't. I was a military kid, so I can promise, as most military brats can, that changing school isn't going to ruin their lives. A couselor or someone to act as a refree between you and your girls should be a priority, so that you can work on your relationship with them. Good luck to you!!

Answer 4

Take your kids and better your life don't let your ex take them especially if that far behind in child support if he didn't have the money to pay b4 how can he afford to raise them. You got to do what is best for your family , tell your family that you appreciate the advice but right now you think this is what is best , its not like you are moving to the other side of the country , which is what i did and it was the best move i ever made. Anyway your not a bad role model , you have seen TV lately right , yes you should be married to your fiance b4 moving in together but hey no ones perfect.Do what you need to do to better your family. if things don't work out as planned just move back

Answer 5

Do what you feel is best for YOU! Your children will grow up and have their own life, you family has their lives, you ex husband is just trying to hurt you by using your children. I would bring the 7 and 11 year old to live with you, tell the 14 & 17 year old that you would like them to come with you but if they don't want to then they can live with Dad, 35 miles is not that far. I am asuming that you and your ex both own a vehicle? Don't let the rest of the world run your life and make you feel guilty as long as what you are doing is okay in your heart. You will never be able to please everyone but by trying you will make yourself miserable. You deserve a life too.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Take the SOB to court and have his wages garnished for back support. That will make the move a little easier.

Answer 6

The city is a bad place to raise kids but taking them from you is not right.. tell those people that if they could get him to pay you what he owes you or help you out until you find better income.. fine.. then you will stay..

It is a hard thing.. i had 4 kids ages 16,13,7, 4 when i got divorced and I moved from the city to the country.. glad I did.. my son that was 13 thanked me later in life for getting him out of the city.. he said he is sure that if we would have stayed he would have gotten into gangs or drugs or something.. when he was 17 he gave me a hug and said "thank you mom, you saved my life"

I am just trying to tell you is that you have to look with your heart and later you may get the reward and answer.

Answer 7

You are in a pickle. I do agree with them about living with your boyfriend with 4 girls. You have to be careful about these men these days. And it doesn't matter how well you know the man, you will never know him all the way. Since it is only 35 miles that's not too far to drive everyday. I drove more miles than that every day (52 miles one way). Are sure you made the choice for a job and not a man. Remember you are a mom first, a woman second. That's just how it works for us single moms. Think how this will affect your kids. You can commute. Stay put.

Answer 8

2 years after my divorce i moved 2700 miles from my ex. After 10 months my child came to live with me. She love my new life I do not cry all the time i work with her school and we both have become strong ladies.He dad hates it but he does not pay and can not even care for her over the summer. The best thing I did was start my own life. My child respects me for that. 2 years after the move family and friends are starting to see I did the right thing too. Oh I lived with a guy too but now that we are married I am no longer a sinner.

Answer 9

You need to A. get married B. move the guy out. He should not be living with you and 4 girls. Unless of course that is the message you wish them to learn. What will you tell your 18 year old who wants to move in with the BF. It is however time to take the EX back to court for your back support. This is a matter that requires a simple explanation regarding him. He is behind on your support. So kids, when you want those new clothes call your daddy and have him send the check. There will be no discussion of staying with him until he is paid up. Part of your needing to move is based on your needing to pay for 4 children with a deadbeat dad. Tell everyone who cares to hear that $20,000 in arrears is detrimental to the children, therefore he is full of $hit.
Until the wedding move the other guy out.

Answer 10

Wow! I can relate in both your daughters' situation and yours.
As a teenager, it's hard to adjust to a new life and make new friends, especially in a big city. They may seem like they hate you, but watch what will happen when Homecoming Dances, and Prom, and graduation come around. They'll need things that Daddy won't get for them.
As an adult in today's world, I too, live with my fiance, in a big city. As far as I'm concerned with what my family thinks about my situation...well they can kiss my A**. Unless they willing to care for me and my children financially, then their 2 cents is best kept to themselves.
With your husband being behind in child support...call the A.G. office, let them know whats going on.
My ex is also behind in child support, (a little over $10,000)...and they are looking for him at this time to garnish his wages, or lock him up...which ever comes first.