About a husband and a special "friend"!?

Question

My husband and I bought a new home in Jan- our home is far from his job, so he now takes the train in. He has made alot of new train friends- and one of them being a woman. He is a nice guy, but not overly friendly(not outgoing) She invited us to her home for a bar b que, my husband was super excited by his new friend and we just had to go, like too excited. Since then I hear little stories about her every now and then. About 3 weeks ago, I started feeling very uneasy about my husbands actions. he started
1.showering in the morning and bathing at night
2.leaving his cell phone behind never bringing it home
3.being super nice, taking me on dates
4. acting super suspiocious about me?
I was like humm my womans intuition starting going crazy.
so i deceided to check into this. last weekend, he actually
brought his cell phone home plus the cell phone his job gave him. as usual there was nothing in his personal cell phone, but in his work phone was ms. nice train lady's number...

I asked him did he call her to? he said no. we went back and forth, he was nervous i could see his eyes trying to think of something to say...then the end result was yes he talks to her, he calls her more then she calls him and they only talk about a popular radio show that i turned him on to. I do not believe him. I would like to find out more..any suggestions? I feel awful at this moment, and asked him to leave last night. Oh and about her, she is 41and married with 3kids older of course. When I met her, she was nice, almost too nice........

Thank you everyone who responded to my question. i have been praying for guidence. I asked him NOT to come home and go to his parents, I need time to really think. My girl friend thinks I should call the womans husband and let him know that his wife has been calling my husband and vise versa? any one agree?

Answer 1

Maybe he's just talking to her for now but the fact is he's developing a relationship with this woman. You could call her and ask whats up. You could also call her husband and ask him if he's noticed anything hinky. I would do it in a heartbeat if I had their number. It kind of sounds like that is the only source of information you have, unless of course you can find a friend he wouldn't recognize to ride the train and keep an eye on things. You definitely have reason to be concerned. Crazy how good things (buying the house) turn bad sometimes (train lady). You just never know. I think asking him to leave was a very good move, you have made it crystal clear that its not something you are willing to tolerate and thats exactly what you needed to do. But how do you ever feel comfortable about it, he will always have to take the train to work and so will she...thats a sticky situation there.

Answer 2

Cell phone and home phone records are available to anyone who has the $$ to pay to get them; all you need is the phone number. You can get his from a DATA BROKER, even if it is a company/business cell phone. You can also get detailed text messaging records, they are a little more pricey, but might be worth your while. If I were you, I would have someone follow him...don't do it yourself. It could be a little emotional if there is something going awry. That way you could find out if you are overreacting, or if your "women's intuition" is on the mark! If you find out there is nothing to be worried about, talk to him and explain your concerns. Let him know you wanted to take time to see if you were jumping to conclusions and check some things out. I would be honest and tell him what you did, and let him know about checking up on him. From there, I would then seek a marriage counselor to help both of you get on the right track. Best of Luck to you!!

Answer 3

Relax! listen to your husband, right now, that's the only story you have to go by. Plus, what are the options? confronting him on something you have no proof? that's lame... just let it go, tell him what's acceptable and what's not (leaving the cell phone at home now that you have trust issues is NOT acceptable.) if he's up to no good, he might contest that, but be nice, be even forgiving (if you really THink he did cheat) and get over it. Tell him you don't understand the secrecy of his friendship and ask him how it would make him feel. At last, think about your marriage. it's much deeper than some floozy. stick by him and he'll come around. he probably feels horrible right now, so enjoy the guilt ridden attention and presents :) everyone makes mistakes.

Answer 4

Trust your instincts. While it's not clear if your husband is cheating on you physically, I would say that he is at the very least having an emotional liaison with this woman, which can be equally damaging to your relationship. You can either try to gain more evidence and confront him, or talk to him now. If he's not involved with her, he will try to reassure you. However, if he is involved with her, he might try to tell you that you're acting jealous and crazy.

Another suggestion is to allude to this situation. Tell him that "a friend of yours" is having trouble with her husband and that she thinks he might be having an affair. If your husband is interested and asks questions, then he's probably not involved with this woman. However, if he avoids the conversation and tries to change the subject, he might be trying to cover up something.

Answer 5

So is it at all possible that he learned something from her about how to treat you? It is unlikely that you would have been invited over if her intent is poor. You might discuss this with him and express your fears before your jealous imagination takes over. Let him know you are worried. If you accuse him he will be defensive. Maybe you should invite her to dinner. You could end up with a new friend yourself. It is a little hard to believe that they would be introducing you if something was going on. That would totally negate the bad wife lie most guys use. You really need to give him the benefit of doubt until you have something more substantial. Guys just do not introduce their affairs to their wife, until after the divorce.This is the time to get closer not more suspicious. Assume he has done nothing wrong for a moment, your third degree and asking him to leave is giving him license to do exactly what you do not want. If he has done little but become friends you have done nothing but drive him out for having a friend. This could backfire and your fears can be realized.
This problem is not about her. She presents a threat to you because she is doing something that you may not be, talking with him. They get an hour or more of conversation every day. Do you do that? Try to relax and get back to being a couple. Jealousy is ugly and will not serve your interest in the end.
Follow up.
The great majority of the people who answer questions here love to tell you he's cheating and dump him. To them your throwing him out is some kind of moral victory. The reality is you threw him out because of your fears. You have no hard evidence. Phone calls do not rise to that level. Are you really willing to throw away your marriage for this? You are operating on the mistaken concept that men cannot have friendships with women without sex. Is that your concept of yourself? As a casual observer who has dealt with real infidelity in his own marriage I can see that you are on the road to divorce for no good reason. Asking him to leave is not the solution. It completely breaks down whatever lines of communication were left with your husband. Perhaps that doesn't matter to you because you do not believe him anyway and are totally accusitorial toward him. You've forced him to lie to you to avoid confrontation then threw him out when you caught him in a lie. You have created this issue with jealousy and suspision and now are feeding on it to destroy your marriage. From your own explaination he did everything right. He met someone, told you about meeting her, introduced you and yet your intuition tells you he's up to no good. I fear your intuition is in fact the insecurity that you can hold onto him in the face of someone who talks nicely to him. Your reaction is making that a self fulfilling prophesy. Please, if you have any intent to recover your marriage get your husband back at home and talk to him about this. Ask him what's going on. Here's the stretch you need to believe him. You need to recognise your fears and deal with them because they are causing you to make poor snap decisions. I fear the throw him to the curb crowd are giving you poor advice based upon a lack of direct experience or their own failed marriages. Ask your question again here and only ask for answers from people who are still married for more than 20 years. I think you'll find that most are a lot more tolerant of the behavior you've described.
Whatever you do DO NOT involve her or her husband. This is NOT about them in any way. It is about you and your marriage. What good can calling her husband do except prove to them that you are jealous and a bit spiteful. On the face of it they were kind enough to invite you into their home and extend friendship. For that they have to deal with you involving them in you accusations. That is not the way.

Answer 6

He is definitely cheating! Husband's do not talk to other women while they are at work unless something is going on. He may not have acted on it yet but he is getting closer and closer and has already started cheating in his mind. Sounds like this woman is looking for strange also because she is married and calling your husband. Something IS going on so don't put up with it. It is VERY SELDOM that men can remain "just friends" with females. Don't let him fool you anymore.

Answer 7

All you can do is sit down and talk with him, I think alot of problems in marrige start because we dont talk before we assume something. And if he tells you that htere is nothing going on than all you have is his word, so beleive him until you know with a doubt that he is cheating on you. Some of those things you said does sound weard, but nothing I think says CHEATER. jsut talk with him, you know he might be taking you out, because he relizes that what he has IS AWESOME

Answer 8

Is there any other way he can reach for his work, except this train? Try getting on to another train somehow. However, since your man got pally so easily with this cow, maybe you should provide more time to your husband and keep him within your reach. Change your own attitude and try to bring some exciting changes in your lives.

Answer 9

If you suspect something, confront him in a non combative way - what you are observing and just ask if there is something going on beyond the two of you, there is nothing worse than letting those suspicions fester. Just because the number was there does not necessarily mean their is an affair.

Answer 10

I can tell you from experience that he is doing more than talking. I have been in a simiar situation. If you want to get to the bottom of it you need to set up a meeting with the both of them and tell each of them what the situation is and what you are going to do. Remind her she has 3 kids. Remind him of his duties. Tell them they better think long and hard about what could happend if others knew what was going on like family, church members.