My fiance is 23, we have dated for two years and been engaged for 6 months. We live together and both have one year of college left to finish. Neither one of our parents pay for school, we have been doing it ourselves and havent had a problem thus far...
We just recently set a wedding date in January and have already invited family, mine and hers.
Her father, two days ago, offered to pay for her college,car, bills, ONLY if it was a particular christian college out of state, and ONLY if she lived in the dorms, didn't get married, AND I didn't go with her AND she leaves this Friday.
He has never acted like he has had a problem with me before. What should she (we) do...
Of course the money would help, but I feel what he is doing is very underhanded, manipulative, and controlling, as he claims he just wants her to finish school, but he has never offered to help any other time, and he is only willing to help under these terms. I say he is trying to buy control. Your take on this???
2006-08-23 04:30:58 · 20 answers · asked by Tunasandwich 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Should I see it as a major problem that she is seriously considering this???
2006-08-23 04:39:49 · update #1
I had a friend in high school who's parents had the same problem when they got engaged... her father did the same thing, promised to pay for her schooling if she didn't get married. So the guy decided that instead he would pay for both of them to go to school while they were married. He totally took responsibility for the situation... and he followed thru with it and now the father likes him. Maybe the father is worried about her morals going down hill, if you guys are living together. Talk to the father and see what he's worried about, take him out to lunch, if he'd go for that. Do you guys go to church? Just try to see things from his point of view... trust me, if you're getting married your fiance will appreciate you making efforts to alleviate any tension.
2006-08-23 04:39:01 · answer #1 · answered by starsmoak 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
From the details you provided, I would be of the mind that, yes, he disapproves of the upcoming marriage -- at the very least because you've set a date occurring before your graduations, and this might (in his mind) derail your educations and leave you in a bad spot.
However, his stipulations seem to go even further than that. First of all, if that was his only issue, he could have simply TALKED to you about it -- not tried to bribe your fiance straight off. If you failed to postpone the date, he could have then made an offer to pay for your educations if you'd simply wait (or something else that would encourage you to finish school first).
The fact that he is (1) offering a large bribe -- car, college, bills and (2) requiring his daughter to go to a school of his choosing, live apart from you, not have you along, not get married yet, and leave almost immediately looks VERY bad as far as his intentions go.
It makes it look like he's disapproved of your living together this entire time and thinks your relationship is a big mistake.
Of course the money would help -- his whole goal was to make a tantalizing offer, in order to get his way. The fact he never offered to help before also speaks poorly of him.
You can handle it a few ways. Probably one of the more mature ways is to politely say that, while you appreciate his offer, you've gotten things taken care of, you've both planned out how to finish your schooling, and you'd like to know if you should save him a seat at your wedding in January since he's the father of the bride and you want him to be part of your special day.
If he won't let things drop or you feel you need to be more direct, I figure you'll have to talk to him (both of you, together, as a united front) and maybe even her mom involved too -- wanting to know why specifically he's concerned about your marriage in January, and why he feels it imperative at least to wait until next June or so (once your schooling is done), as you both have everything planned out in order to finish school.
Maybe he has some genuine fears or past experiences that could help explain his behavior, and that would give him a shot at letting you know what they are. You could all get your cards out on the table and maybe at least come to an understanding or a more feasible "agreement."
If it ends up things aren't even THAT innocent, then at least you'll know for sure that he opposes the marriage for whatever reason and what's going on -- versus having him pull a not-so-subtle stunt at controlling his daughter's life.
Don't burn any bridges -- he IS your fiance's dad and your future FIL -- but don't let him make decisions for you either. Just firmly stick to your guns, proceed with finishing your school, and with your marriage.
2006-08-23 04:55:29 · answer #2 · answered by Jennywocky 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honestly that sounds a bit out of it, I wouldn't trust hi8m at all, he doesn't want her to get married to you. When she was just living with you, that is one thing but to marry you is something else. You guys setting the wedding date bring him to reality that she will actually marry you. The problem is with you maybe, he doesn't like you, he only played along when she was dating you but you becoming part of the family freaks him out and now he puts up the ultimatum on the table. If it was me I wouldn't accept the money, they didn't want to help in the first place, why not and under all those terms and conditions. You made it then and you can now. Even with a wedding to plan, hold on to your fiance and don't let go. May God be with you through your struggles and you will come out on top together. Good Luck.
2006-08-23 04:41:19 · answer #3 · answered by angela414_7 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
think ofyou've have been given to get your hubby on your area. How long is he making plans to stay - With a a million bdroom apt. the place are you going to place the toddler? Ask your hubby this question. If no longer something insist which you come across an even bigger apt the place he could have his very own room. in any different case i could come domicile from artwork and bypass on the instant to my room and stay there. Make you a sandwich and stay on your mattress room for a whilst - maybe then your in regulation gets the theory he's no longer needed. additionally you assert you artwork finished time so tell your hubby that till you're allowed to make some judgements then he of course does not elect your earnings. So initiate keeping your money separate
2016-12-11 13:46:56 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
She has to make a choice here. If she chooses her families support (which the FIL expects her to) then she is not ready to stand on her own to feet. If she chooses to keep doing things independently, as she's used to, then she's ready to be your wife, and is the one.
The FILaw is trying to manipulate, take control and he may also be genuinely concerned for her education. Ensure that he understands this engagement doesn't mean his daughter is going to get knocked up and be a house wife. (Don't use these exact words though). He Dad's probably gotten a scare from the engagement. Although, she must choose.
2006-08-23 04:38:50 · answer #5 · answered by montanasamra 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My husband if very protective of our daughters and this sounds like him. The out of the blue offer to support her through school does sound like an attempt to keep his little girl under his wing. Dads seem to think that there is no one good enough for the daughter. If she allows herself to be manipulated by this offer, then I think that she has issues of her own. If u 2 have been doing all of this on your own so far, then she shouldn't even consider the bribe that daddy is now offering.
2006-08-23 04:42:36 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I know that if I were in her situation, I wouldn't take the bait. I would be very upset with my father for doing this and trying to sabotage my life. Sure, the money would be nice, but this would put you two apart and that's obviously not what you want if you were planning to get married in January. I would be so angry, you have no idea.
2006-08-23 04:35:05 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You never had a problem with money matters you say???
Then continue with your studies wherever you guys are the way you were doing it before, and complete your studies. You can also postpone your wedding date a little later, maybe a day after you guys are finished with education, in that case, you will never forget the day, and everybody is pleased! Including her dad, because she is completing her studies and not getting married till she finishes. It should work!
2006-08-23 04:40:50 · answer #8 · answered by Myth 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Weird!!! He's trying to drive a wedge between you. Is it possible for you to ask about motives? I'd tell him to take a hike but only if the two of you agree. If the two of you can't agree, you got a tough choice to make. Really sounds like a loose cannon. Is she?
2006-08-23 04:48:13 · answer #9 · answered by DelK 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
your right hes never helped in the past now when shes getting married hes offering all this.I say she tell daddy dearest to take a hike she dosent need his money.You have been doing fine all this time without help.If she takes the money and does what he wants you need to reconsider your relationship because he would basically pay her to change her mind and love for you.Good luck
2006-08-23 04:35:48 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋