is this a marriage or i am just a third wheel?

Question

i am married traditionally and have a 3yr old son. my husband refuses to get married legally because he does not believe in the paper even though he was legally married to his ex-wife.financially he is very stigy.i am a hsewife and he doesnt want me to know how much he ears ,how much he has in the bank and how much he gives his ex for his son. he tells me his money is non of my concern.he earns a lot but he complains when i ask for money to buy clothes for me and our son.i usually get help from my mum.tell me is this what marriage is supposed to be.it bothers me so much it affects my sex drive. i hate sex and he wants it every day.we always fight about it then i let him have his way and i dont bother to orgasm.am i overreacting.coz he says he loves me

Answer 1

thats not love

Answer 2

I'm not married but it sounds like you have yourself a problem.

Your not happy and if your not happy in this marriage you need to do something about it. You can try counseling or simply leaving and find someone who views you as an equal.

I believe in a marriage there should be no secrets. You are planning to send the rest of your life with this person so the least he can do is be totally honest with you. It is your concern how much he makes, what he does with it and why. It your money too regardless if your out there helping him make it. You two are now one under God and he needs to realize this and respect it.

Voice your opinion to him, you need to or this marriage will not work. He is treating you like a second class citizen. Please seek help, try to work at this together.

And as far as getting married legally, I think he wont do it because he is afraid if you leave him you'll get some percentage of his money. This man is up to no good, girl!

Answer 3

That is a control freak. It really is not a good relationship if it has that much of a negative affect on you. And your son is going to see that as well. So really, you are only allowing yourself and your son to be hurt.
I would say find your way out of that relationship as soon as possible, but if he is that much of a control freak it would likely be a very difficult thing and you would need to find a very deep strength inside of yourself to keep out of it.
That is not how any marriage should work. My husband and I agreed when we got married that things should be 50/50. While one person may stay at home and the other may work, it certainly doesn't mean that the one who is working needs to hide things. If you are there with the son you have had together, then he should be willing to support both of you, not complaining about it. It is not up to your mother to support you. Common law doesn't mean a whole lot anyway, unless you have been together for several years.
That is something that is only going to get worse to boot. If you are that miserable, then get out for god sake because you don't need to be hurt like that. It's going to tear you down more and more as a person, and you don't need to be broken. Your little boy is learning how to behave from him as well, and I seriously doubt that you want him turning out like that.
I really hope you figure this out very soon. Good luck and best wishes.

Answer 4

I believe marriage is a partnership, and it doesn't sound like that's what you have.

It is your right to enjoy the tax benefits of legal marriage, and to share the money even if you don't financially contribute. You are the one putting in the time on the housework and the child care.

You would be able to find these things with another man, so if they bother you enough, then it may be worth considering leaving him.

Good luck.

Answer 5

Whether you are "legally" married or not, your de facto relationship with a child entitles you to the same benefits and entitlements, as if you were. Healthy relationships are based in friendship and trust, to be excluded from this causes isolation and dissatisfaction, which is where your relationship is obviously at. You can either choose to grin and bear it, living unhappily with tenuous security, or you can try talking it out with your partner, explaining how his excluding you from the finacial interests of the "family", isolates you and dampens your libido and hope to reason these things out with him or if you feel you can do neither, then you need to consider how you will cope and live, without him, but with your child. An unhappy home is not a great environment in which a healthy child can develop to their best advantage. The greatest and most precious possession each of us has is "time", as our lives are finite and end all to soon enough ,without wasting even the slightest moment of it in a state of maintained poverty, begging for a meagre pittance, whilst providing your services in household maintenance and sexual favours. Never live your life with low self esteem, be proud and live your life in the manner you deserve. And good luck!

Answer 6

You're not even a third wheel, you seem more like property to me. Does he dress you up in white to match the rest of the appliances? Not to be mean but you need to see that this "marriage" seems very one way.

You really need to protect yourself. I really don't know if you can change the man by talking to him. Marriages are work, and you should put in effort to make it work, however, be prepared for an uphill battle, or look to make your own money, cause in the event that he doesn't want to be with you, he could tell you to get out, you'd be in a real bad way.

Answer 7

As a husband he should allow you to know everything about his money. You should be able to pay the bills with his check, know what assets he has and he should have a will that states you as the beneficiary.
YOu should not ask your mother for money, cos it is not fair. You are married, have a husband who has money. There is no reason why your mother have to give you money. In fact you should be giving your mother money from the allowance which your husband should give you. He should open a joint account with you whereby you can write checks to buy household things and things for yourself, and he should give you a supplementary credit card for you to use and ATM card to withdraw cash for your everyday use.

Of course you are expected to spend responsibly.

You have a serious problem with your husband's attitute towards money and you might have to take drastic steps such as going for counselling. Things have to change otherwise you are actually in an abusive relationship.

Take drastic steps by withdrawing sexual favors.

.

Answer 8

What exactly is it you are getting in this marriage besides grief, frustration and hearache? Marriage are two-way propositions and you aren't getting a thing from what you've written. You get the difference between his saying he loves you and his actions which say he doesn't give a hoot about you right? The choices you have are pretty grim but a sharp attorney will find out what he has for assets and require support for your child.

Answer 9

That is not love. He is looking for someone to control and you are willing to let him control you. That is about all you have going for you in this relationship.

He is lying about not believing in the paper. That paper protects you if anything should happen to him.

I can tell you for a fact what he doesn't believe in.....he doesn't believe you are equal, he doesn't believe you will ever leave since he supports you.

When you find someone who loves and respects you you will love sex with them trust me, its him and him alone that is not turning you on.

Gain some respect for yourself and leave him. May I suggest some books or reading about self-esteem on the internet.

Good luck to you.

Answer 10

Look inside your heart. This is definitely NOT what marriage is supposed to be! Your husband should love and care for you, and he shouldn't want sex every day. Making you happy outside the bedroom should be more important to him then havin intercourse. Counesling might be a good option for you.

Answer 11

I don't call that a marriage. Maybe a judge should tell him just how much he should be giving you! Even though you aren't legally married, you still have rights to things like child support and maintaince.