How should I act over Christmas toward the brother I recently disowned?

Question

Ok I dont easily disown anyone, let alone a family member. But my brother is a drunk, he has screwed me over since i was very young and just recently I asked him to stay at my house with my baby while I went out with my husband. Baby was sleeping and my brother left to get beer!!!!! I immediately disowned him and screamed at him (if u knew me u would be in shock, i have never yelled at anyone before). ANYWAY my family wants me to forgive him and that's out of the question. I found out recently that we will all be in the same house for a week over Christmas. I dont want to affect everyone elses holidays - my husband is super pissed too. I also dont want to ruin my holiday and Im scared Im going to be a mess.

Answer 1

i suggest you put it aside and speak to him only when spoken to.

also you could offer him help with AA for forgivness...

or suggest a family intervention since you will all be there anyway.

Answer 2

If you know the guy was a drunk why would you leave your child alone With him in the first place? It's like leaving your child in the care of a child molester and then getting made because he molested your child. But either way, he is your brother and you can't disown him no matter how much you try. You don't have to call him up every Sunday or invite him over to your house for a party. But you can't expect your whole family to be on your side. So you can do one of two things, go to the party and have fun and enjoy ALL of your family and then go home after a week and live your life how you want it or you can NOT go to the party and not see any of your family and stay home. It's really up to you. If you disown one family member you really need to disown them all. Don't ever make them chose or make them feel like they are in the middle. How would you feel if your child grew up to be a drunk and its brother or sister disowned them and that child expected you to do the same, would you?

Answer 3

My brother-in-law is also a drunk. We had a huge falling out almost 2 years ago. At Christmas he stays on his side of the room and I stay on mine. We will say hello to one another and that is it. We don't pretend to like each other and the rest of the family doesn't push it. In fact last year we didn't all get together at 1 house, my mother-in law went to everyone elses (do to 2 more brothers fighting with the 1st)
I did tell him that when he stops drinking we can be friends again, we were very close before. He has made his choice and I have made mine.

Answer 4

My uncle is the same way. My mom let him babysit me once when I was a kid. He chased me around with a running chain-saw terrorizing me. Yet all the adults "turn the other cheek" and make excuses for him. Oh, poor ___ he's can't be held accountable, he's an alcoholic and drug addict. BullSh!t, he decided to drink and shoot-up and he is responsible. He made all our family get togethers miserable for years showing up drunk, picking fights, etc. When I grew up and had a family of my own, I decided that I wasn't going to let my children grow up thinking that's what it was supposed to be like on Christmas with your family. We stayed home and started making our own traditions. I call my family on Christmas, and I will stop by, but when my uncle shows up, I leave. You cannot make someone change their ways, and if he were even remotely serious about a recovery he will apologize.

Answer 5

It's Christmas! Maybe before the actual event, you should be the "bigger person" and call. Call him and talk about the implications of his actions. Let him know that you were/are very disappointed with his selfish behaviour. But when you are communicating remember your turn taking strategies that you learned in kindergarten and that is ~ you talk, he talks.
Don't let this ruin your family and your christmas. Yes you have every right to be pissed off, but your brother is sick and needs love and support. Atleast now you know that he is irresponsible and maybe next time you ask him to baby sit you will have beer in the house.

Answer 6

Be civil and polite; say hello but don't get into any prolonged conversation with the douche.

I know there is the desire to go all ape and give the dude what for, but the downside of being an adult is that you can no longer lose your sh!t in front of the whole family without becoming some sort of pariah.

Good luck!

Answer 7

Wow- he left your sleeping baby to go get beer? Yikes- I can see why you're upset and I'm suprised your family wants you to forgive him. I don't think I could forgive someone who left my baby alone, especially to get beer! It doesn't matter that the baby was sleeping- that's wrong! I think that maybe to get across to your family how shitty this situation was, you and your husband and child should cut your vacation time down to just a few days there, and spend Christmas by yourselves or with his family. If the rest of your family is defending your alcoholic brother instead of supporting you, they aren't worth spending the holiday with.

Answer 8

You learned a valuable lesson, cheap. Don't trust your brother to come through for you. But that doesn't mean that you are allowed to not come through for him. Forgive him, pray for him, and have a nice Christmas. It's is obvious that your brother has problems. Shunning him will only exacerbate those problems. It won't make you feel any better and it won't make him change. Love always turns the other cheek.

Answer 9

so you knew he was a drunk, yet you asked him to be alone with your child. . . good one.

aside from learning valuable lessons and applying what you've learned, just try to be nice and cordial. and consider helping him. blaming someone and writing them off is what highschool girls do. this is family. think about finding a way to help him with his problem. the two of you will be happier and closer in the end if you succeed. and if you don't succeed at helping him to behave like a normal human being, well. . . at least you tried.

Answer 10

sorry to hear your predicament. stick to your guns though! what he did was irresponsible and disrespectful to your wishes. Don't forgive him. It doesnt mean you can't communicate. Just tell him you will never accept an apology for what he did. Also, try to get him help. Keep your head up, stay sane, and christmas will be fine!