How do I stay angry?

Question

My husband and I divorced recently after a ten year marriage - one I thought could be saved with some conselling. He decided to have an affair and is now moving in with this girl. My husband lied, cheated, deceived. His is a pig. The problem I have is that I am a very forgiving person - I very rarely hold grudges. As a result, I get hurt. I have to deal with my ex because we have an 8 year old son. How do I let my ex know that his actions were wrong and this is not something that I will likely forget soon? I don't want to be a bitter ex wife - I am moving on and dealing with my reality as best I can. However, I do not want him to think that what he did was okay just because I talk to him normally about our son. He likes his life to be in order and he will think that if I am okay with everything then he obviously made the right choices. He treated me like garbage - with zero respect. I want him to not forget that - any ideas on how I do this?

Answer 1

Okay, don't hate me. But if you are worried about how he feels and you are wanting to stay angry, then you are not moving on.

Forgiveness is not something we do for the other person in order to absolve them of their guilt. It is something we do for ourselves in order to be free and to stop the damage.

"He who angers me, controls me". Do you really want this man controlling how you feel? Hasn't he done enough? Do you want to teach your child that it is better to be bitter and angry rather than to forgive?

I tell you this from personal experience. 21/2 years ago I left my husband (for a MULTITUDE of good reasons) we have 3 children so I must deal with him on a daily basis. He is still who he is (does the same things that made me leave him), so I have had a hard time forgiving because he keeps doing it (and I felt I was right in my anger). Not to long ago, I realized I am just as miserable at that point, as I was when I was married to him!

I realized I needed to forgive....and believe me this has been on hell of a process, that I work on daily.....but I feel lighter, kinder and free. I am even downright happy at times. And you know what? He doesn't even know that I am forgiving him, because he is still looking out from behind guilty eyes. My children are doing better too!

So just consider it, I know it's hard. But it will do more for you in the long run, than your anger will ever do for anyone.

Good luck.

Answer 2

this is only my opinion, so use it ,if it hits your need. OK I commend you for your not letting this situation get you down, you must be a strong woman. Your being angry is not going to change the situation, just will wear you down. His judgment day will come. leave that in the Lords hands. You have to do what is right for your son, as be proud of who you are that you don't hold grudges. that is a good quality to have. As far as how your ex- treats you, just tell him you don't have to tolerate that from him, you are no longer married, take a stand hold your head high and set him straight. you don't want your son to grow up thinking it's OK to let anyone treat his mother in the manner of disrespect.
I think the reason he is treating you this way , truthfully he feels guilty for what he done. and then again he may be so miserable with his new relationship that he is taking it out on you. well with all being said. I wish you all the best life has to offer you and your son. Good luck as well

Answer 3

Honestly, I think I would just try and move on. Have you told him how you feel in a rational way? I wouldn't be forgiving however, I would try to be amicable - especially if there is children involved. He is still your son's father and that will not change.

It would be extremely hard to be nice to him considering how awful he treated you. I don't blame you for wanting to stay angry, however, anger is never good for a person's well being. The more angry you are, that will cause you to be very closed up and it will be hard for you to meet someone new - in time of course.

He obviously is an a$#hole so you know what let his homewrecker gf have him, because she will probably end up cheating on her too. The only good thing that came out of your marriage is your son.

Try some counselling yourself. I really hope this will get easier for you........ My heart goes out to you!

Answer 4

If you divorced him, that's all the sign he needs to know that what he did was wrong.

Harboring anger will only hurt YOU and your child in the long rung. it will increase YOUR stress levels which is bad for your health. Your anger won't affect his life. And for the sake of your child, it is better that your interactions are NOT full of anger and hatred. Children can sense these feelings from their parents and it has negative impacts on the child too.

YOU don't have to remain angry to teach him a lesson. The fact that he lost you and he no longer gets to live with his own son is a loss for him. I think if he sees you angry, he will see you as a bitter, broken down woman. But if he sees that you are HAPPY without him, that's a MUCH bigger blow to his ego than your anger could be. And makes a bigger point at how badly he treated you that you can be happy and balanced without him. Please, for the sake of your health, don't harbor bitterness and anger.

Answer 5

But not wanting to be the bitter ex-wife is what you are right now and how you feel. Have you tried to ignore him and when he asks say to him that he has hurt you. One way or another, it doesn't matter how he sees you, he knows he's hurt you and that doesn't bother him at all, otherwise he would have treated you with more respect and like me you just accept it and hate yourself for it. Your son will know by the moods you are in at times and he may tell his dad about it.

Answer 6

Trust me, he knows that you do not think everything is okay with what he has done. Being angry and staying that way with him is not healthy. You are divorced and he made his choices so you need to just move on. Perhaps if you started dating again and show him that you are happy, that could be the best medicine for him knowing that there is life after the ex!!!

Answer 7

Simply let your ex know, in a stern, direct way, that the only relationship you will tolerate with him is that of father of your son. Give him notice that you will not accept any failure or neglect in his role of father, similar to his failure as a husband. About the anger...

Holding on to your anger, as justified as it may be, will only do two very bad things: 1) It will eat at you and damage you both physically and mentally; 2) Your anger will only serve to build his ego, reassuring him of how much you loved him and possibly still do. The best revenge is to live a good life. That will benefit you, not him. My very best to you and your son.

Answer 8

I think that you are mature and wise to be a forgiving person. Do not feel that being so makes you less strong or reduces the value of your feelings. I think that you could simply tell him, with your most serious of faces, what you have told us. If you have, you can tell im again -- or write him a stern letter... to get it out of your system. He may be too obtuse to recognize the intensity of your feelings because you are not behaving irrationally and because you are moving on, so expect to be disappointed by his reaction. But, the bottom line is: being civil with him will benefit your son immensely.

Answer 9

TELL HIM! Flat out... (preferably in public where others can hear you) ****You treat women like garbage, like buyers remorse. You see what you want and take it with no regard for any other. You are a pig and I have zero respect for you, So JUST because we can talk about OUR Son, DOES NOT IN ANY WAY MEAN THAT I FORGIVE YOU!!!**** That will make it very clear.

Answer 10

Anger won't help anything. If you want to tell your ex exactly how you feel about how he has acted, write him a letter. That way you won't be saying anything in front of your child and you will be able to "yell" at your ex without anyone hearing. Let him know that you are not going to forget how he treated you. I hope this helps.