My fiancé and I have blow out arguments that enrages and upsets me so mush that at times I feel as though violence is the only way I can get through to him! He brings up the past to counter attack me when ever I am displeased with something and assumes that I was sabotaging his character! After the arguments of not getting any heads or tails, I usually just get so upset that I don't want to neither argue nor make up but rather walk off my frustrations or go to sleep! May I also add that a lot of our arguments stem from his two ex-wives actions concerning the two sets of children and how their inability to parent but try to manipulate my fiancé in directly affects me!(16 & 18 yr old boys and 11& 6 yr old boy and girl) Three out of those four live with us and often times I just get so overwhelmed with the younger children's hyper and insidious ways, additionally the fact that we almost never have any type of time apart from them! He told me I am allowing the hate of their mothers drive us apart!
2006-08-23 02:28:43 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
It's not that it's just I get up set because I have a daughter of our now who is 1 year old and I am very young. I get frustrated because their is never a time when the house is peaceful or when we can go out with out the children tagging along, or the hogging the tv and computer after being home all day when I get off of work or the food the older boys consume (gluton) and the mere fact that I have top deal with all of this while their mothers have a happy go lucky care free life style at my expense pisses me off!
2006-08-23 02:31:33 · update #1
*much (mispelled)
2006-08-23 02:41:02 · update #2
I told him last night when we first go together he only had one child living with him no we have picked up two more! one of them being 18 meaning he needs to support his self (which he is not!!!!!!!) The other their mother doen't spend anytime with them (doesn't spend on red cent on them) owes 11G in child support and calls whenever she wants! She only sees the children for 16 hours at a time every 6 weeks or so only to question them about our relationship. As for the other one she's been locked up and has been collecting CS even though the 18 yr old lives with us and isn't enrolled in school, she lives with her mother and other 3 children and sends the 16 yr old over when her or her mother feels like their tierd of being bothered. May I also asked once if her daughter (by another man) could come to our house and stay..............the girl is 12 and that took some balls if you ask me. These women are his ex's because they both cheated over and over again!
2006-08-23 02:49:07 · update #3
I understand how you must be feeling. You love your fiancee but he comes with such a package. This must be difficult. I can see that it is always in the way of your desire to have privacy. What you are going through is normal. Most men do not realise the "sin" of this; Any attempt to discuss the matter may lead him to believe that you do not want his other kids. You have to be very patient to deal with this, because this is how things might be. Your comfort will be that it will not last.
I will therefore advise you to change your attitude. Try accepting the situation. You do not have to enjoy it but imagine if those kids were yours, because you will become their step mom. Try to let them have as much time with their dad as possible. Let them not see you as a stumbling block. Avoid criticising them. Go bowling with them. Get connected with them. Your fiancee will become jealous and want you to himself. That is how men are. And this is what makes them fall more in love with women. They do not like a girl who complains alot, criticises often, fights over "nothing". They are more attracted to the sweet innocent girl who they feel should be protected.
You stated that you are young. Try counselling. The kind of counselling concerned with sharing tips on the success of marriages and how you can apply this to your own. each marriage has its own problems, just dont rush to get into it until you are really ready.
Good Luck and God Bless You
2006-08-23 03:10:43 · answer #1 · answered by tomnjerry 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You married a man with baggage and you knew what the baggage was. You just didn't realize what it really is. You have 18, 16, 11 year old boys. and 6 year old girl plus a daughter together. Maybe the word holly Sh--! would be good. You and your hubby have more than a hand full. Top that of teenagers. Dam been there and still dealing with that. Not from different marriage but teenagers are hell to deal with and take up everyone time.
What you are going through is what we all go through. You are different because you didn't raise all the kids from the beginning. So you are buried and don't know what to do. Do worry most of us don't handle it to well. I don't have answer for you other than keep plugging along and hold on for one heck of a ride.
Teenagers. Dammed if you do Dammed if you don't and we are the adults that don't know a thing. If you don't believe me as a teenager.
Good luck and hold on you got a few years of Hell ahead of you.
Terrible twos were nothing compared to teenagers
2006-08-23 02:48:03 · answer #2 · answered by Mit 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I was in a similar situation except the children were both minors. I was also younger than you are. Let's see. 16 with a 4 and 5 year old and pregnant. It's complicated, but if your fiance can't get control of the situation then maybe you should leave him. It's kind of unfair to expect you to support a grown man and minor children while their mothers live carefree. Its the same thing I went through though. My ex-husband wouldn't even take his ex-wife for child support so it was all on us until they were 15 and 14 and she decided it was time for her to raise them again. By this time we were divorced and that is what the kids wanted.
2006-08-23 03:02:32 · answer #3 · answered by ushouldnoidontplay 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
And I thought I had it rough raising 2 steps.
Sounds like you guys need counseling. I applaud you on wanting to walk of your anger and not get physical. A counselor can give you the tools you need to communicate your concerns and frustrations so that things don't escalate into major blow outs.
Good Luck I know how tough your situation is.
Just read your update. Boy have I been there. I was 19 with a 13 yr old stepdaughter at the begining of my journey. Honestly please be careful in whatever decision you make.
2006-08-23 02:34:08 · answer #4 · answered by Me 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
u really need to realize when u are with someone if they have children its a package deal,,,and yes unfortunately no matter how much u hate the ex wives if u intend on spending your life with this man, u will cross paths with the exes as there are graduations of the children, weddings, grandchildren to be born. so u need tolerate the exes for the sake of everyones sanity,,, if u cant do that then get out before marrying,,,as u should love your man through everything
2006-08-23 02:36:54 · answer #5 · answered by kimmie_o2004 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have to learn to communicate and relate to your fiance. You are going down a vicious cycle of arguments that go nowhere and neither of you are finding any resolutions to the issues...why? Because you are addicted to the drama and have fallen into a comfortable yet destructive non-communication pattern.
You have to do so work, Obviusly your approach to hndle problems is not working and is rather tearing your relationship apart. I will give you some pointers that may help you:
-Don't dwell in to his past. You cannot change the fact that he was married and that he has kids, so, no matter how much you fight it, that is never going to change, He will always love his kids and you cannot put him in the position to make him choose n between his kids or you. You will lose.
- You already knew that you had to deal with his 4 kids and 2 ex-wives when you got with him,.. so now you cannot complain about it. Learn to deal with it the best you can.
- Try to resolve your issues in a CALM and civilized manner. Skip the drama, the screaming and the slamming of the doors. It's not working.
- Brek the vicious cycle. You have to start COMMUNICATING. That means, no rubbing past issues in his face, not making him feel guilty about his past and not going to bed without solving the issues and holding the grudge for days and days. This will destroy your relationship. You have to communicate ina positive and civilized manner.
- Men are not mind readers, You have to let him know how YOU feel and what is what you want or expect for him to do, Don;t demand it, ask nicely.
- Never say never, and never say always. Allow me to elaborate, if you say : "you always do this" or "you never listen to me" this is relationship POISON. Don't do it. Try to say; "I feel hurt when you do this" or " I FEEL ignored when you do that". Talk about how you feel and not what he does wrong.
Please, save your relationship by stopping teh accusatrory impossible to please behaviour.
Good luck
2006-08-23 02:40:46 · answer #6 · answered by Blunt 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
My God! you can not help this man change.
He is a sociopath and crazy and immature cause he cannot argue the best way
divorce him now before its too late or seek counseling--first for yourself and then together.
You know, the reason we have relationships is to be happy as best we can
You forgot this.
What is the point of having a relationship when you are miserable in it? Get out now before it is too late and depend on yourself not a man. It has always been that way.
Good luck
e-mail me for futher advice if you wish
howiemayo@sbcglobal.net
2006-08-23 02:38:57 · answer #7 · answered by Mr. love 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't marry this guy! He already have two ex's...hello! It's a headache just reading what you have wrote! Don't place yourself in a situation you really don't have to be in. You only have one child, you can move on with your life..this joker is stuck with two annoying ex's and his four children. Get out while the going is good!
You can meet some one else without all the baby mama drama...move on ......
2006-08-23 05:28:46 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
right this is their dilemna: interior the appearance years, a homosexuality gene would be pointed out and then they're going to be forced to argue that God bestows habit on us (genetically) that he then punishes as an eternal sin. that's why we hear the consistent mantra from those whackjobs that "that's a existence type determination," via fact no be counted if it fairly is not any longer a existence type determination, it fairly is God's determination. only placed, nature vs. nuture. those all people is so ignorant as to have self belief that somebody including Ted Haggard - whose very livlihood depended on being without postpone - finally "chosen" to be gay! What a humorous tale!
2016-11-05 10:56:10 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you can't all get along maybe it's not such a good idea getting married just yet. Your finace has been married twice before, and has four kids already. Does this not ring alarm bells?
2006-08-23 02:32:09 · answer #10 · answered by revoltix 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋