Just the right amount of nicotine to exhale you out of my mind
Memories enscribed on swirling smoke
Ashes float down in to the cup of once clean water
Grey burnt specks floating on top but never going deeper until the water is disrupted
Black Breath in white breath out
Cigarette paper burns back exposing bare anger
Just the right amount of nicotine to exhale you out of my mind
Will it change anything?
2006-08-22 18:05:48 · 16 answers · asked by Katy 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
I think it's off to a great start. I like your focus on the details of the cig and how each element of the cig is symbolic. Here's a jumble of thoughts: I would suggest breaking "Black Breath in white breath out" into two lines. The reader will figure out they are meant to be opposites even on two lines. I would also suggest saying "retreats" instead of "burns back." Overall, I would work on the rhythm because the content is focused and expressive.
2006-08-22 18:11:30 · answer #1 · answered by fibr 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think the metaphor used is great!! Smoking cigs sometimes does bring to mind the irony of life, especially relationships. You know smoking is bad for your health, yet you can't sem to drop the habit.....just like letting somebody go who obviously is not right for you. Maybe next time you could use the coffee metaphor, much more invigorating and less damaging than smoking! Or better yet, don't hold your breath waiting for the prefect relationship...it comes when you lest expect it!
2006-08-23 01:14:54 · answer #2 · answered by river 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like the line "memories enscribed on swirling smoke", symbolizing that they drift away?
I like the imagery. Keep writing, you have a talent.
2006-08-23 02:22:06 · answer #3 · answered by mightymite1957 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am not sure why you want people to be brutal with you. The poem is a lot of hurt and anger and self inflicted pain, I was repelled by it. It isn't in any formal form but it was poignant, in places, but swayed off course with the ash floating into the water. The fact that you seem to have conveyed a feeling says it works, but by its very feeling I have to say I do not like it. That is not to say it is a failure, I am just not a fan of self inflicted pain, sorry hun.
2006-08-23 06:32:32 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
I think you have made very good use of imagery and this is one of the better poems that people have submitted for criticism on this site.
Don't worry about people saying "you shouldn't write a poem about smoking" - your poem is not about smoking.
I think it is very good and captures well what you are trying to express. May I respectfully sumbit that I think the last line doesn't work.......but that's just my humble opinion.
2006-08-23 02:28:17 · answer #5 · answered by LadyRebecca 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Very Good!
I like the line "cigarette paper burns back exposing bare anger"
2006-08-23 01:11:13 · answer #6 · answered by thefox 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
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2006-08-24 22:29:13 · answer #7 · answered by authorspost 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Makes me want to go on a smoke break.
2006-08-24 22:03:22 · answer #8 · answered by Graham H 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Im a poet and would say its excellent, and Im very critical.
2006-08-23 01:12:23 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You shouldn't write poems about smoking. Its bad for your health. I think its a negative poem and it don't rhyme or have any interesting kick to it.
2006-08-23 01:12:05 · answer #10 · answered by ♥c0c0puffz♥ 7 · 0⤊ 2⤋