What do you think of this poem? be brutal :-p?

Question

Just the right amount of nicotine to exhale you out of my mind

Memories enscribed on swirling smoke

Ashes float down in to the cup of once clean water

Grey burnt specks floating on top but never going deeper until the water is disrupted


Black Breath in white breath out


Cigarette paper burns back exposing bare anger

Just the right amount of nicotine to exhale you out of my mind

Will it change anything?

Answer 1

I love it! Fantastic! Great imagery!
I love it that the words of your poem are the grey burnt specks, and that the reader must disrupt the water and go deeper to find the meaning.
The cadence is remniscent of the rhythm of someone smoking.

Will your writing this poem change anything in relation to your anger? Probably not, but it does give you one more poem towards the book you should be writing.

One comment: "in to" should be "into".

Answer 2

You have very good ideas but you need to string it all together. Read some poetry and see how it is done. Incomplete thoughts just don't make it. This is more like a draft for a poem. Once you have the thoughts written down, you need to construct the poem.

Answer 3

Way better than washing someone out of your hair. Could use a little more refining by taking out all of the articles like "the." I think that would give it a bit more sonace. Nice work

Answer 4

ok , i see, pain, i don't know if you wanted to read it out load or submit it but, i think it needs some revising, meaning , you need to make the connections more clear and you need to make each line transfer easily

Answer 5

I like the images it paints in my mind. Sorry.... no brutality for you. I like it!

Answer 6

I already stopped smoking...so it doesn't affect me one way or
another. But it is, uh....introspective ! Keep writing..........

Answer 7

Is beyond me.

Answer 8

i like it=]

Answer 9

its brutal