Research question for people who desire pain of any kind.?

Question

Hi! This is a question for anyone who has been involved in self-inflicted or self-desired pain – from a birthday spanking to self-mutilation.

I am a writer researching things for a book I am working on, and I really want to know peoples ideas of why they do this or why such things appeal. What do people achieve with it or think you achieve with it? What is the motivation? And why do you think this phenomenon exists? Also, is it a sexual thing or not? Is it a game? Is it something to be enjoyed or just tolerated as a means to some other end?

Any answers or comments will be hugely appreciated.

PS. In response to the notice in the guidelines, I am not glorifying self-harm or anything else. I am simply discussing it as a subject as worthy of answers as any other.

"America's Favorite Ice Cream Fetishes"?? Heheh! I will save that for my next book!

I note it doesnt occure to that user that the best way to get 'help' is by talking and perhaps that is precicely want i want to do. 'Help', by opening the subject up a bit.

There seem to be two distinct areas to this subject - those who do it as a sexual kick - and those who do it for completely sexless reasons. Both of which can be taken to extremes – and probably there can be a world of overlap between them as well. Basically, I am interested in both areas, and especially in the differences between them.

And a thousand thanks, people! I am getting some extraordinary answers here!

This has been an even more remarkable question than I thought when I asked it - the answers I received were mostly very interesting, clarifying and actually quite moving! I have not been involved in this area personally, but several of the people I am very close to and care about have been – both the sexual and non-sexual side of pain. At first I was quite confused and almost afraid of that, which is why I eventually started exploring the subject and working on the book I am working on now. Partly because I wanted to understand it more and partly because I just wanted to see the subject handled with a bit of openness. I cannot thank everyone enough for sharing all this stuff!

Answer 1

Alrighty then - for you voyeurs lurking on your computers reading this: I hope you know something on this subject and know what kind of tale you are about to read. For those not familiar with self-mutilation, if you are not grossed out by the thought of blood and cuts -DO NOT read any further. If you are not faint-hearted, then read on unperturbed with the knowledge that I am NOT condoning or glorifying the act. I merely want to tell a very personal and frank story.

I am a female (27) who does not self-mutilate anymore. but I must say the unhealthy impulse does not go away completely, though I see the idiocy and barbarism of the act clear as day. I understand how crazy it seems to people who have never done it. It still seems crazy to me... but let me explain how it started with me:

My dad was a very angry man when I was a young teenager. He would fly off the handle about the most seemingly meaningless things, and yell or throw things or sometimes hit us (although it is important to note that the *perceived* threat of physical violence was FAR GREATER than the chance of it actually happening. He was an intimidating dude. but don't get me wrong, we still got hit sometimes).

Anyway, So I'm living with this angry man who happens to be my dad - parents are gods to children (and with my mom who just tried to soothe us kids afterward instead of stop it in the process usually. -by the way they are my biological parents, and they are still married) and everything I did caused a problem, it seemed. I didn't do anything "the right way" (which meant his way, which was very anal-retentive, like folding something a certain way to keep the air out of the bag or putting something in the "wrong place" or other light/borderline OCD stuff.) or I was disappointing, or God Forbid actually "talked back" to my dad when he was being an irrational **** to me or my siblings or my mom. So I ended up not being able to be angry (or really cry, because of course, then he felt bad, and we couldn't have that, because then he did the one thing he knew how to do -be angrier.). I was NOT allowed, you see. It was HIS house, and he was the angry person, everyone else in the house took on the role of supporting him and making him feel better by letting him lash out, which did make him feel better and left me with seething anger I could never express because of the fear so deeply ingrained in my being.

One day I was doing the dishes and, being a kid and not wanting to do them, it was going extremely slow. My dad came in, yelled at me and cursed about what was taking so long, and that I'd better do them or __fill_in_the_blank__. and all the while I just took it, bit my tongue and waited for him to leave. as soon as he did I was so angry I punched a four-sided cheese grater- on the sharpest side. I can't remember if that was a conscious decision, but I think it was just the object that I knew wouldn't break when I hit it (like dishes) and was closest.

My knuckles started bleeding. ...and, to my surprise, I felt the anger start to go away. as if it floated out with the blood pouring out of my wounds. sounds crazy? you bet. but it worked. because I had no other outlet at the time. -an interesting side note. it only worked if I bled well. skinned knuckles without blood meant I'd have to do it again until I bled, because it only seemed to work if I drew a significant amount of blood (more than a trickle or slow light oozing)

I kept going and getting the cheese grater to hit when things got really bad, and then a very sudden emotionally difficult day in my late teens (away from my home) had me punching a telephone pole that had many things tacked to it over the years (It's amazing I didn't get tetanus). and then I realized I could use other things than the cheese grater (god, this sounds so f***** up as I reread this, but I think it's important people understand this and that SO MANY girls and a fair amount of boys do it).

I graduated to scraping instead of punching. I would drag my knuckles hard against brick, concrete, etc. and then I moved on to knives. I find that cutters usually have a certain place they like to do it over and over. for me it was my knuckles(punching/scraping) and inside of my forearm(with the knife) -but away from the veins, I didn't want people thinking I was suicidal if they saw them, that was never something I understood. and the burning people (people into burning themselves with cigarette butts and sh*t). never could understand that... totally different feeling. ouch. I know, you're saying "Pot, meet Kettle." Sorry, but it does feel different and not good. I'm a smoker, I've done it enough by accident. I'm not a burn fan.

anyway, no, it wasn't a cry for help as I'm sure some people's cutting is. I did it to keep myself on a even keel, so to speak, when the waters got too choppy.

I always had an answer if anyone did see. I could explain the knuckles from jobs, sports, skateboarding trick gone bad, etc. but the knife cuts were in a checker/tic-tac-toe pattern (vertical for a while then I'd switch to horizontal if I couldn't take it anymore but the intense bad feeling was still there.) so I always did on the inside of my forearm so no one would see (I always wore long-sleeved shirts and wasn't dating, so almost no one did see them).

As for your other questions:

No, nothing sexual to it at all. I cannot emphasize that enough. I want someone to be the antithesis of my father in my relationship. very physically affectionate. never any hint of violence from them or myself.

Anyway, perhaps this was not the answer you were looking for and you purely meant for pleasure as in for fun or for sexual gratification. It was never a fun thing for me. I only did it when I "had to" (or thought I had to, because I hadn't learned other coping skills and didn't know I had any other options that would work).

I hope this has *at least* been informative of my particular experience, though I can't really speak for others.

Answer 2

When I was a small child I would bite my hand and hit something hard with my other fist whenever I got angry. I never broke the skin when I bit but I had a callus thicker than the ones on my feet on the side of my hand. Eventually I stopped biting the hand because I could barely feel it and the skin was too thick to bruise or anything. About that time I started stabbing myself with safety pins and pinching myself with safety pins and clamps.Later, I turned to very light cutting with razor blades and hitting myself with a hammer. Now. when I am upset, the only thing that really works is an X-Acto knife.

I do it rather specifically for the pain. I do not want scars and it doesn't really matter to me if I bleed much. Many times I will barely scratch the skin but put vinegar on to feel it more. It is not a sexual thing when I do it to myself at all. I can enjoy pain in a sexual setting with hair pulling, whipping and caning but it has to be with a partner who I trust. There is some pain that teeters on the edge of sexualization for me but my masturbation does not include any elements of pain.

I feel like I just need strong stimulation just to feel alive. There is nothing better to me than the feeling I get from an electric shock or a burn but I don't seek these experiences because I don't want to actually be harmed.. The feeling lasts just under a second but it's like a little orgasm but it's a surprise so it's even better. I guess some people would say that I'm an endorphin junkie. I probably am but I don't feel that I know enough about the chemistry or my own psychology to make that determination.

Answer 3

I happen to like your question...& I openly applaud Broken Sticks & the others for their honesty! I believe as some have stated here that it's a way of allowing the emotional pain become more apparent. We manage to hide feelings away & keep the pain inside...I think there comes a point when that can't be done anymore & it's acted out.
It's most definately not used as an attention grabber of any kind!
I equate self-harm to self-hatred & equivalent to the place you're at when you become suicidal.
Nothing sexual about any of it.

Answer 4

i used to be a cutter. I have learned to suppress the urges to a point and have not cut in a very long time. I work on a crisis hotline and talk to many cutters and self-mutilators. Either to cover up pain or to make emotional pain manifest itself into something real on the physical plain.

I have also done a lot of research on sadism and masochism under the topic of Domination and Submission lifestyles. If you are looking into this aspect feel free to communicate with me through this Yahoo!Answers. I have quite a few sites that have been soooo useful in my studies. Good luck on your writing.

Answer 5

i have had problems in my past with self mutilation and to this day i still get urges but i know how to control them now. basically i mind starts racing and a start thinking of all the bad things that i have done and all the bad things that i have had done to me and my mind just wont stop and then i get that urge to cut because when i cut the whole world stops and i just concentrate on the blade going into my skin and the little droplets of blood that start to pop up. i can sit there forever just watching my blood drip and trickle down and i feel a weird calming feeling and it feel as if I'm just releasing everything. i hope this helps i think more things should be written about this subject to help prevent it and to help people understand it better. if you would like any more information from me feel free to email me at [e-mail]

Answer 6

I don't know about others as I can only speak for myself. I used to do cuttings and other self inflicted physical torture towards myself in order to surpress the strongly misunderstood emotional abuse I had gone through. It was basically a distractionary technique. It was like a drug. Eventually the high wears off and you're faced with reality again. Sooner or later you'll have to face it and deal with it before it deals with you. Since then I have had many self realizations and experiences which strengthened my resolve, character, confidence and esteem. Knowledge as well as experience are the keys to survival and self empowerment. Improvise, Adapt, Overcome.

Answer 7

I think most people hurt themselves (Such as slitting wrists) for the attention.
But, I am not proud or have shared this with anyone, I have cut my wrists with safety pins and have pushed them through my arms like a skin to skin piercing.
I've only done it a few time because I was really in pain emotionaly and I guess maybe I was useing phsyical pain to releve the emotional pain I was dealing with at the time.

Answer 8

I used to cut all the time. Ive been trying to stop, but its just so hard. I love that feeling. when Im in bed and I cant stop crying. I cant stop thinking about my mom and my dad, all these problems were having or have had, how much I hate absolutley everything about me. I grab a razor blade and cut. as many times as I need to to makes all those awful thoughts in my head go away. I feel so calm. so good. Like I have no problems in the world.

Answer 9

Hi. I am 17 years old and a cutter. I have been cutting off and on since 7th grade, though I sort of recently became an addicted cutter again. I cut my wrists, my legs, and my stomach. I cut veins and not, in all directions, and I often carve words into my legs. I have one leg cut for what I feel I deserve, the other, what I want. One reads 'Kill me. Break me. Hurt me. Hate me.', the other says 'Save me. Fix me. Help me. Love me.' This is not for attention nor is it a cry for help, has no one but me ever sees it. I am very careful to wear pants or skirts with tights to avoid confrontation on it.I cut simply because I want to feel pain- I feel that I deserve to be in pain, that I deserve to be hurt. However, I also like the pain- the more I cut, the more I desire to do it. I also do not want to live- I truly want to kill myself, slowly and painfully. I keep myself alive only because I want to get revenge on people who made me feel this way. Cutting helps me to feel the pain, to bleed it out, to feel myself weaken to become stronger. Strong enough to live another day. In a way, I do enjoy cutting, but in another way, I hate it so much. I genuinely like pain, sexual or otherwise, though cutting is not sexual for me. I often feel that I shouldn't cut, that it's bad of me. I fear that someone will see my scars, carefully hidden behind bracelets or gloves. I am not proud of my cutting, nor do I recommend it. It's very addicting, and it only gets worse each time I do it. However, between that and suicide, cutting might be smarter- though I'm beginning to think death would be better. But yeah, that's my reasons for cutting.

Answer 10

Makes me wonder why you are writing about this.....why not write about "America's Favorite Ice Cream Fetishes" Dang, get some help soon!