My husband and I have been married since April 2005. We just had our first daughter this April. We've been having a lot of problems since the beginning of our marriage. A lot of my issues with him deal with many instinces of lying about things(talking to girls after I'm asleep...many computer issues...). I think if you have to lie about it, you shouldn't do it. He says it's all innocent. I have A LOT of trust issues stemmed from an infidelity towards the beginning of our relationship. I guess because things keep happening, it's not going away and getting worse.
His issue is that I have a low sex drive. He says that I never want to touch him...which isn't true. I will admit to the low sex drive, but I feel like he could try to get me in the mood more. Granted, he was deployed for 7 months, I had the baby and then his WHOLE family came and lived with us for a month in our two bedroom apt. I'm still not comfortable with my body, and I just don't feel sexy yet.
Please help. Save it??
2006-08-22 15:53:13 · 14 answers · asked by sashermer 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He says that the reason he does all those things is because we don't have sex enough. But to me, it's like the more he does, the less I want to be with him. He turns everything around to be all my fault. I don't see how it's fair to justify not being honest in a marriage because you're not getting sex as much as you like it. I'm not saying I don't need help with that, because I had no idea it bothered him as much as he said it did today, but I'm willing to work on it. He's been promising that he'll stop doing what he's doing for a long time and hasn't. I guess my question is, how long do you stay and let them tell you they're going to fix it?? When is enough, enough?
I've suggested counceling and books things like that, but he's always fallen through with it. We're seperated again until October 1st because of the miltary which makes it even harder to deal with the sex problem....
2006-08-22 16:03:06 · update #1
Yes, you should save it. Don't be another statistic. Marriage is hard and sometimes you have to fight for it. Sounds like you both could use some counseling. Get into marriage counseling asap and start working through these trust issues, body issues, and the infidelity/computer issues. You can work this out if you are both willing to go to counseling and be honest about everything. Best of luck.
2006-08-22 15:55:44 · answer #1 · answered by Rawrrrr 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of look at why you went thru the marriage in the first place after infidelity took place. After some hard ground work you must have found a reason to go thru with this marriage is that reason still there. You both have had a lot happening in the last 12 months, marriage, deployment, baby that all takes a lot of adjusting to. you have both brought into the world a baby who had no say in her arrival into an unstable marriage. You both have some responsibility towards her. Communication is the key here, you need to speak in depth re your relationship and also about how you are feeling re your change in roles from a g/f wife and mother in such a short period of time. It takes a while to bounce back from having a baby, both emotionally and physically. Both of you should be enjoying this valuable time together. You also need to discuss the trust issue, chatting with girls on line etc is not the behaviour of a newly married man but having said that people often stray emotionally when there needs are not being met at home. Marriage is hard work it wont just be magical on its own. Seek some counselling either as a couple or go alone. At least if you decide to stay then you will be able to speak with someone and build your self esteem which seems to be lacking and be able to deal with the issues at home.
2006-08-22 16:04:53 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You had trust issues before you married him yet you married him anyway? Okay. There's a baby involved now so you're obligated, both of you, to make this marriage work.
If you have a problem with him being online I suggest you get up in the middle of the night and see what he's writing. If it's truly all innocent, you will know by his reaction to your presence. He has to prove himself trustworthy since he's the one who was the infidel and if he's not willing to do that his love for you or his baby isn't strong.
YOU are responsible for your sexual pleasure. You must figure out what turns you on and teach him. He's not a mind reader. Don't worry about your body image. Men don't care as much as you think about your body as long as they're enjoying sex.
Now that I've read your additional details it sounds like he doesn't really want your marriage to work out. If that's the case, there's nothing you can do to save it. You can't trust a liar. It's impossible.
I'm sorry for you and sorrier for your little girl. Girls who grow up without their Daddy in the household usually end up a statistic; teen pregnancy or worse.
2006-08-22 16:00:49 · answer #3 · answered by Hidden .38 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you have A LOT of trust issues stemming from an infidelity in the beginning of the relationship, the last thing in the world he should be doing, if he cares for you and wants to regain your trust, are the things he's doing and continues to do despite your dissatisfaction with him. If he's not willing to try counseling and things are, as you say, getting worse, I think I would file for divorce. The fact that he's in the military and is away for extended periods of time doesn't bode well for the two of you especially if you have trust issues.
2006-08-22 17:50:34 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Dear Special Lady, it seems that the both of you have real issues and neither seems to be on the right track to solve them.
There can be NO excuse for infidelity, or less than the truth. In both cases each must not only hear the other, but must try to understand why the other is saying what is being said!
You are absolutely right about, "Lying issues” Working in an atmosphere of miss trust is always extremely difficult.
At the same time, an extremely negative part of the male physic, which is truly bad, is that if the female with draw from him, he often looks for what he perceives as missing with other females! Lady, I belong to the Loser male group, and I am often ashamed of my fellow males’ behavior! Just read some of the male questions and responses in this Forum.
The American attitude about or body is idiotic. We are trained from birth that or bodies are nasty, never to be seen, and women are ugly to nurse their child. And like many others you are uncomfortable with who you are naturally, (My Body).
The one source that I feel might could help you does not seem to be a part of your husbands life and maybe not yours either.
Sadly, should you divorce, only the child will pay! And she will pay all of her life. You and you husband may find smiles, but they will be paid for by your child. I can only pray that GOD sends the both of you an answer.
You must confront your husband, not accusatively, but completely about all of your issues, and his issues and what the both of you can do to resolve them both willingly and honestly!
2006-08-22 16:28:30 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Falling in love is magical. It feels eternal, like love will last forever. But daily life takes over and we become demanding, resentful, judgmental, and intolerant. Why? Because we don't have a clear awareness of our differences and we do not take the time to understand and respect each other. With even the best and most loving intention our love starts to die, the problems creep in, resentments build, communication breaks down, mistrust increases and rejection sets in. The magic of love is lost.
When men and women are able to respect and accept their differences then love has a chance to bloom. It takes time and work to make a marriage a success.
The question should not be whether to save something but rather a question directed to you in that are you willing to make an investment in the majic you once had but have since neglected?
Take for example, did you know that while a woman needs hugs, kisses, affection, words, romance, etc. in order for her to feel love and only then can she be open to enjoy the physical act of sex that a man needs the physical act of sex in order to love, it is only through the physical that he is able to open up and truely feel. It helps explain how you can get into a disagreement with your husband who will in turn go a day or two without speaking and then just up from out of the blue want to have sex. The woman wants (and actually NEEDS) to "talk" about it first, she has to take the emotional route to get there and we as women often feel as though a man is trying to take something from us at that point. But by knowing that it is at that moment that he is able to open up and share his love for you, you could have a more appreciative view of his advances.
It goes two ways. He should too be considerate and respectful of your differences but it has to start somewhere. Now think back, with this in mind, how many times has your husband actually wanted to "make love to you" (in his way) and you got mad at him?
If you'd like more information or someone to talk with about this, I'd love to be able to share more with you. Just too much to put it all in here.
Good Luck and Best Wishes
2006-08-22 18:49:01 · answer #6 · answered by Julie 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
To me I think its worth saving because im sure u love him if he was gone for seven months u stuck by him and was there for him when he came back. So he should be grateful for that. Guys just dont realize sometimes what they have until its all over. If he married u for how u look, thats wrong to me he should love u no matter what how u feel or look. He was gone so he is ready for sex but he has to respect ur feellins so to me dont take my advice talk to each other go back to what brought u two together.
God Bless U and tell him thanks for serving r country.
2006-08-22 16:25:13 · answer #7 · answered by robert_hall85 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There needs to be trust, and communication...sounds as if you may need to go see someone also....if you can't talk about everything that is wrong on bought sides...get it out into the open, so he know and you know...try to work thru those issues., if it still doesn't work...try counseling. A marriage needs to make both of you happy
2006-08-22 16:00:23 · answer #8 · answered by jimmy a 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
wow you two need to talk and compromise. but at the same time he is being untrustworthy. now that the two of you are married he has absolutely no business to leisurely talk to any other female. so he is being disrespectful there. also, i had my daughter april 10th and my body still isn't right. i feel self consious but my boyfriend doesn't punish me for it. we did have a horrible fall out because he tried to pull some crap on me about my looks after the baby. it was on like popcorn then. but we settled it and things are fine. have a serious talk and explain your worries and fears. you have to understand one another ...try that and give it some time.
good luck!
2006-08-22 15:58:47 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like the problem lies with you. If you do not feel good about yourself you will never feel good about your marriage. Take some pride in yourself..work out...walk your baby everyday. The more you work out the higher your sex drive will be.
Yes, its worth saving.
Trying playing on line with him and making it a team effort. If you take interest in online chatting as he does..he will be highly attracted to you.
Its fun! Try It!
2006-08-22 15:58:29 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋