why does he always have to yell?

Question

I have been married almost 2 years and I totally believe my husband needs volume, he flies off the handle constantly, he always says talk to me but if i do, he gets offensive, i mean this is about anything, its crazy, he is always right and I am always in the wrong, but 5 minutes later he is apologizing, he does not hit me but he has torn things up before, it just freaks me out, and wares me out to no end, for instance i was in a store and i get a call asking where a paper was he needed, i said he is the one that put it up in a folder, he said no he did not and started screaming, then 5 minutes later after i hung up on him he called back and said he was sorry he was wrong he had it, don't get it.

Answer 1

I get the same thing..only without the the apology.

It sounds like a form of depression. You lash out to those closest to you because youcan.

Answer 2

sounds like an old childhood issue to me... did his mom or dad yell either at him or at each other? I can guarantee there was someone in his life that was a "yeller".

You need to change how you "handle" him if you want the marriage to continue happily. If you need to confront him about something: write to him instead. Either by pen and paper or by email. That way he has to read it, you get your point across and he can reply without getting into a heated fight. Email is great because you can go back and check what you said. There's none of this "but you said" being misconstrued into something you didn't intend for.

Set a rule between the two of you that if he (or you) starts yelling, then you (or he) stop the conversation right there and cool off. This will eventually help him to break the habit of yelling.

Another trick you can try is to reduce the volume of your voice as he gets louder. Its hard at first, but if you find yourself having to try this, chances are he's not listening anymore anyways! This works with my husband and surprisingly with my kids too! You might even get to the point to where you are whispering at him. When I get to that point I usually end up saying something like "you're too loud and you are no longer listening to me so I'm going to go talk a walk and you can continue with the wall." LOL.. I swear it works.

best wishes

Answer 3

Your husband has anger issues. No joke here. The only choice is to get some counseling for the both of you. He is conflicted about something, and you can't help him out of this. Before this gets way out of hand, you need to tell him that you are going to a councilor for anger management and you want him to go to. If he won't go, then you go alone. The councilor will be able to give you good advice to help him face what ever is troubling him.

He needs to discover that there is no shame in being conflicted and that what ever is causing this is likely not his fault. But you can't tell him that. He has to learn it himself and you are too close.
You can tell him that his reactions are unacceptable and that they hurt you. The apologies don't help much and that you love and support him but you won't put up with being treated this way.

Once more, you go to the councilor, even if he won't. It may make him even madder, but its the only way to get him to move towards fixing his problem.

Lastly, if he EVER hits you, you must leave. Have a plan ready, just incase.

I wish you well.
Good Luck Dear

Answer 4

Flashback...I lived with a man 3 yrs and then married him for 11yrs with the same personality.....UGH. Bad news, it's an anger control issue and in my case it just got worse. He was always in my face, inches away....yelling at the top of his lungs. That he is RIGHT. Then bit by bit it wasn't enough, it became he was wrong and I was an Idiot, or a Moron, or a Lazy Pig, or something equally degrading. Abuse is abuse. You don't have to be hit to be abused. If you're uncomfortable(and it sounds as if you are) then he needs to know how you feel. (Not when he's yelling) but when you're both calm. And if it ever comes to him threatening to leave...LET HIM. That was my mistake. Thinking I couldn't make it without him. And after 14yrs of the mental abuse he had me convinced of it...then he had several affairs and left me. And now 4 years after the divorce, I am SOOO much happier! I CAN make it on my own.And have learned since of all his lies and control issues. Always remember no relationship is worth loosing yourself within it. If you are feeling threatened or unsafe then it is right for you to take a stand and change things..... There are always options. I hope for your sake the relationship fairs much better than mine did. Be strong and believe in yourself!

Answer 5

The first couple years are probably going to be really rough. Luckily, your man does say sorry after he emotionally hurts you because he's realizing that he was wrong and eventually he'll realize that he's constantly doing it and there is a problem; not necessarily with your relationship, but with himself. He needs to seek counseling individually, then you both need to seek marriage counseling. Your relationship isn't at risk of divorce. Counseling will only help your relationship, not hurt.
Generally, most men do have some sort of anger problem. You will hear this from friends and if you don't hear it, their probably hiding it. Its some way of keeping their manlihood because they are losing complete control of their life-especially after getting married. Don't worry about much, just seek counseling so you can take care of the problem instead of hiding from it.

Answer 6

My sister has a similar problem with her husband, she is not a violent woman but she keeps a # 8 cast iron frying skillet on hand just in case he decided to raise his hand to her. Sounds like your guy could use some anger management classes. Next time he yells for no reason, have an ice cold glass of water, toss it in his face, tell him he looked a little hot under the collar, and then yell back HAVE A DAMN SEAT FOR A CHANGE, COOL OFF AND LET ME GET A WORD IN FOR ONCE, YOU HAVE THE FLOOR TO DAMN MUCH AS IT IS. Then calmly tell him, your momma didn't give birth and raise a dog, he did not marry a dog, and you're tired of him treating you like one. When it's over, tell him, "Don't expect me to say I'M SORRY for the water either because you've had it coming, i'm fed up and you have said 'sorry' enough for the both of us.

Answer 7

He needs to get a grip, girl! He may not hit you, but that kind of violent behaviour is STILL abusive. Being destructive is for 3 year olds. He is NOT a child and you are not his mother....and you should NOT have to put up with his tantrums! He yells like that because somewhere along the line, he's learned that throwing a fit will get him his way. When he does that, you need to walk away, hang up on him ...anything NOT to give him the attention he's after. MAYBE he'll figure out that it doesn't work with you.

Answer 8

He is probably just used to communicating in this dysfunctional manner. Does he do it to his family, too? The best thing you can do is suggest that you both get into marriage counseling so he can see what he needs to do to be the husband you deserve - and also work through those issues he has with flying off the handle.

Answer 9

He is abusive to you. It is not physical but it is mental. He really needs to seek counseling and perhaps anger management. That's an awful thing to have to go through.

Of course he apologizes. That is just how abusive people are. I've been there myself. Fortunately the marriage did not last long. He refused to straighten up his act, so I got some aid in coming up with a plan for a safe escape and I acheived it.

You don't deserve that sort of treatment. I know it's difficult, but he needs to option of straightening up or your gone. Stand your grounds with him

Answer 10

the cycle of abuse has started I may disrespect you but I make puppyeyes sincerely apologize you will not leave,youy need to leave and stay gone until he completes sometype of behavior modification thereapy or you will be writng this same question only why does he hit you then apologize and cry ,why?it only escalates from here and you have power you are giving away by staying and tolerating it is now acceptable behavior he is not actively panicking and trying to change cause he knows this is devastating you,he does not have to take that seriously you are going nowhere,until you get fed up