What do you do when you can't get him to listen?

Question

I am having the hardest time, getting my husband to listen to me! I can even make sure that I have his attention and tell him that it is very important and that I need him to listen, and still he does not hear a word that I say! He has no idea about anything that I say, he does not know my favorite color, my favorite movie, type of music I like, or anything personal like that about me! What would you do? I love my husband and want this relationship to get better! I have asked him what can I do to make him happy and he gets mad, what is a woman suppossed to do in this situation????
I really need some serious answers please! This is coming between us, Please help me!!!!!!!!!!

We have been together for 5 years and I am doing everything I can do to be a good wife and make him happy, but nothing seems to work! Help!!!

I am getting some very good answers! Thank you so much! It is actually going to be very hard to pick the best answer! Thank you!

Answer 1

Understand something about men. They do not look for acceptance the same way as women. When they come home often times they want to hear only what pertains to them or truly important things that pertain to you. Often, we don't want to re-live every aspect of our day or yours. We honestly don't think it matters unless its important.

My wife comes home and tells me everything about her day and work. I am not interested in even half of it, some of it I don't even understand, but as her husband (and I have told her this) I try to listen to her anyway. She needs to talk it out and for me it is a small price to pay. It is a public service to her that I provide. Not all husbands have that kind of patience to sit and listen. Believe me I am not always successful at this. Things like your favorite color, are not earthshaking issues and I don't mean to be cruel to you by saying that.

Marriage is not a test. Dating is the test. And he passed because you passed him and married him. If you want him to listen to you you have to bring something to the table that he cares about.

Lets say that he has the best sound system in the world, his pride and joy, he would die for this system. He waited his whole life to get it. (for this example, the stereo is you). Although he LOVES his stereo, if the music coming out of it is not what he likes he will tune it out. If the information coming over the speakers is nothing that helps him, entertains him, or interests him, he will turn it off as would anyone. He doesn't love the stereo any less and he knows that you can't have great programming ALL of the time. If he thought otherwise, he never would have made the investment.

I don't know the guy, but I would guess that he really loves you, but this sounds more like your problem that he doesn't know how to fix. Guys are all about fixing things and it confuses and piss him off that he can't satisfy you this way. It tastes of failure to him and you won't let up. Am I right?

I know that this is important to you and I think this calls for compromise. Understand that less need for acceptance through trivial communication will make room for meaningful communication in the end and that is when he will be open to learn more about the important parts of you.

Keeping that in mind, try to weed out the stupid stuff (we all have it) and try to be good music and useful/entertaining news. Then, when something is really bothering you or you need a little attention, he will have the strength to listen and help you, which is what most husbands want to be good at (and get credit for).

Good Luck Dear

Answer 2

After five years of being together, your husband knows some of your personal things although he may pretend not to. Instead of trying to make him listen, focus more on effective communication. Get him involved in the process, which is what you seem to be having difficulty doing. Have you considered a Marriage counselor, a pastor, trusted friend or similar person? Any of these can be used to create a bridge between you and your husband for effective dialog. Perhaps he will open up to someone that is close to both of you and that person can relay why he is behaving the way he is. Maybe he views you as the problem. When he speaks, do you listen to him? Does he listen to refute, are you both being oppositional towards one another without reason? It's unthinkable that this have been going on for five years and you are still a couple. When did the problem start? Tell him that you are there for him, ready to listen, talk and help, not judge or criticize. And seek professional help.

Answer 3

First of all, part of the problem may be that you try too hard to be the perfect wife. He's used to you doing all you can to make him happy, and he hasn't had to put much effort in. Marriage isn't one sided. He has to do his part. It will be very hard for you to do this, but you need to shock him into listening. This sounds like a low down, dirty trick...and a terrible suggestion, BUT...I got my husbands attention this way. It's not the most politically correct suggestion, but when you're desperate...PC is out the window!

You buy a diary. For a week or so, you write general stuff in it that isn't terribly interesting...but make sure he at least SEES the diary. Make sure you LOCK it every night, and hide it so he can't get his hands on it before it's time. Don't let him read it! Then one day, write exactly how you feel. Tell your diary that you are so unhappy, and all you want is for him to show he cares, and to take an interest in WHO you are because you feel like you're only there to serve him, and you don't know how long you can take this lonliness. Tell it that you cry all day, and you love him very much but you don't see how this will get better if he doesn't love you enough to listen so that you can grow in the marriage TOGETHER, rather than alone.

Here's the bad part. One day when you know he'll be home and you have to go to the store or something, put the diary under the couch with JUST the corner sticking out so he can see it, and 'forget' to lock it. Believe me, he'll read it. If he reads how you really feel, he will know you aren't just harping or complaining and that you really mean it. He may get angry, but if he does...remember he's angry at himself for not listening to you in the first place!

Answer 4

You have the fundamental problem of priorities. He is simply not making you and what you think is important a priority in his life, otherwise he would know more about your wants and needs.

You should first consider seeing a counselor alone and working some stuff out inside your head. You need to decide what you are willing to accept and what is unacceptable.

You should probably both do some relationship work with a professional. It will be time well spent.

Lastly, you need to spend some time together without the assistance of television or movies. Try taking an evening walk or doing something you both enjoy.

Good Luck

Answer 5

Your last sentence is the key to the whole deal. It's a very, very common misconception. YOU cannot make HIM happy. Period, exclamation point. You've been taught somehow, someplace that was or is, your roll. THEY WERE WRONG!!
What would I do if he didn't know your likes, colors, movies, or music? Well, let's start with what you've been doing. Doesn't work, right?
First, you yourself have to believe that you have a right to be with a partner who knows and appreciates these things about you. THEN, you tell him that you have a right to be with someone who knows these things and acts on them. AND, if he doesn't get the picture, you will offer to go to counseling with him to discuss exactly how unhappy you are. And if that doesn't ring the chimes for him, you tell him either he leaves or you do.

Answer 6

When my husband didn't listen or pay attention to me, I did things that I liked to do such as exercise, pottery and hanging out with girl friends (anything to make you seem busier). I realized that once it seemed like I had many things to do and less time for him, he was all ears. Begging to take me out for lunch and truly listening to what I was saying. He started to miss me being conveniently around him and wanted my attention. Reverse Psychology!! Works Every time I need him to listen. Just give him some space and I guarantee he will make time to listen. Good Luck!!

Answer 7

Well this may be several things. One his head is just busy with his own things that he just doesn't listen to you. But I wonder how long this lasts? If this lasts for as long as you are married, then I guess he is just sellfish and i am not sure you can do anything about it, but may be he has some problems of his own that he is afraid to tell you. If you try to get him to tell you, he will tell you about his worries and if you help him either mentally or however, may be he will start listening to you. Hope this helps. Good luck.

Answer 8

Oh, guy. I artwork at a motor vehicle dealership, my place of work is right next to the shop. Up till finally now, they have been doing stable approximately what music they play. you already know, buncha adult adult males, mechanics, rock, metallic, what no longer. properly, presently that they had a huge blow up approximately what music they hear to. So, their answer grow to be to have all people's radio on an identical station. They desperate on a close-by POP station. I have not got any thought what this modern-day music is or who sings it, yet between the techs has his radio suited up against the window of my place of work, LOUD. i prefer to bypass obtainable and roundhouse kick it around the shop. Adam has the suited avatar, IMO.

Answer 9

Remember that song, "I Wanna
Talk About ME!" Do you just
constantly jabber and do
nothing but speak of inconsequential
nonsense?
Are you boring him?
Are you boring?

Try not talking so much.
Maybe his ears are tired.
Just be SWEET and ask HIM
stuff that pertains to HIM.

Don't let everything be about
you all the time. When he
does talk, LISTEN to him
and get yourself mentally
involved with what he is
saying and what he is
interested in.

Don't judge, and don't give
advice, just listen to him and
ask him questions and be
interested.

Forget about him listening
to you. You may be just a
little bit self centered, and
he doesn't know how to tell
you without making you mad.

Men just want to GET ALONG!
They do not want a stinking soap
opera all the time. If you have
trouble being quiet and letting
him talk, pretend you are somebody
else, and play that roll.
See if he likes you and likes
to TALK to you instead of listening
to you all the time.

He may have felt just like you
do and just given up a long time ago.

Answer 10

Try writing it in a love letter. Men just don't seem to understand the spoken word, but the written word gets their attention.