will i loose my partner if i continue to not have sex?

Question

I am a woman who has been with my female partner for 17 years,
My partner had an afair with a male 9 years ago and she deeply regreted it and i forgave her however since then i have totally lost my sex drive towards her i feel i can never forgive and forget the past . I suffer with depression wich may contribute to my low sex drive but i feel she could have affairs again because i can no longer entertaine the thought of sex with her. should i leave her and let her find someone who is a happier person who doesnt dwell on the passed ? please be kind to me out there. thanks.

thankyou for all your kind words very touching to know people see beyond the different sexuality and still gave sound advice .
Apart from one ignorant bible bashing bigot ... who STILL thinks its a sin to love another woman , and yet they worship peadophiles who hide behaind the church......i supose you forgive them ....go figure!

Answer 1

you poor thing i also suffer from depression and i have also lost my sex drive. i have been with my partner 4 twenty years i thought he would leave me too so if your partner is very understanding she should stick by you and help you through it . it is very hard to trust someone that is very close to you after having an affair but that was nine years ago . if you cant trust her now after this length of tI'me im sorry but i don't think you can. have a bit of faith in her tell her how you feel , try to work on it.. good luck hope all goes well xfill free to write if it helps

Answer 2

One thing is for sure, a person’s paranoia in most cases is exactly what drives the other to actually doing something. So stop thinking she will go of with someone ells, instead think of it this way, if she does then it will be her lost. She will then loos you, yes you might get hurt if she does, but at least then you will know the real her, but until anything actually happen you should try and trust her. O and do try and forgive, it will make it easier for you. Never forget though, coz for as long as you remember what happened 9 years ago you will never forget the lessons it thought you about live.

Answer 3

That is a tough dilemma,if I was you I would seek some kind of counselling because I think it is getting you down more and more.
Even if you and your partner were to break up now you will not be able to have a relationship with anyone else unless you resolve this for yourself.
I think the same sense of loss of trust exists in any one on one relationship,the betrayal feels almost like bereavement and you probably associate sex with that betrayal so therefore somewhere in your head if you eliminate the sex then you take away the source of the pain;however as you pointed out yourself,in actual fact it could actually drive your partner away.
You need professional help to resolve this issue.
Good luck for the future !

Answer 4

Well to be perfectly honest with you, you have not truly forgiven your partner, if you had you would not still be harboring these feelings around. Sex is an important part of a healthy relationship and yes if you continue to withhold sexually contact you will surely loose your partner. What you need to do, is ask yourself, exactly what is it that you want. Her infidelity towards your relationship has left a bad impact on the relationship. Its hard to get over the fact that someone you loved cheated on you. Even if you are able to fully forgive you will never forget.
As for your relationship, its suffering and so are you. I say get out of the relationship, perhaps you two could be friends. It doesn't seem like your heart is in it.
Good Luck.

Answer 5

if a person has cheated in the past it is very hard to get past that but if you decided then to forgive her you do need to move forward. If you are unable to do that it does not mean you are not a happy person or someone that dwells, it simply means that you still arent ready to forgive since it has been so long since she did it you may never be able to forgive her. So in that case you need to start fresh with someone new. Remember that you are not wrong because of it she was the one who cheated not the other way around. No matter how sorry she is sometimes things cant be forgiven. My advice is to try to move on with your life, as well as letting her.

Answer 6

Yes, you should. You should have dumped her 9 years ago after she cheated on you. If she really cared that much about you, she wouldn't have cheated on you.
She is most likely one of those people who feel the need to have somebody all the time. That is why she hasn't broken off the relationship yet. She doesn't really love you, she is just too afraid of being without somebody.
You really should get rid of her and find a good lesbian who will treat you well and not cheat on you.
I have never cheated on anybody, but the only time I have ever considered it was when I didn't truly love the woman I was with.

Answer 7

( don't worry OK I'm gonna be nice) first u have to ask yourself "if u still love her" u don't wanna go out of the relationship then back and forth all the time cause u can't make up your mind. the best thing to do is seek council ling for u both ( i know u never wanted to hear this) but its true maybe if u talk about it then resolve the matter you'll get your groove back and maybe see that spark that u saw when u 2 ladies fell in love with each other. but then again ask yourself this " is it worth it" sex plays a part in a relationship, but its not the biggest part, its all about how u feel when your with her that's all that matters.

Answer 8

My guess is your probably on depression medication. My suggestion is get off of it NOW. Those pills will give you a low sex drive. These are chemicals which your body does not need.

Chances are you don't even know the side effects of this medication and the FDA has no clue either because they are in cahoots with the big drug companies.

Eat raw fruits and vegetables and make sure they are organic.

Do these things and I bet your sex drive will come back. Good Luck with your lover.

Answer 9

Do you believe you can be happy in this relationship?
If you cannot forgive you partner, then you are going to have a rough time.

Do you have children in your family? If not, then what would be the reason to stay in a relationship that makes you miserable?

If you believe you can be happy...someday...then find help for yourself. Once you get a handle on your depression, you may find you do love her, and can forgive her, and perhaps also the desire for her. Then perhaps some couple counselling would be in order to get your relationship back on track.

Good Luck

Answer 10

I'm sure the 1st couple of years she felt you needed time to forgive and deal with your emotions so she waited. She made a mistake. Some people who are homosexual still have urges for straight sex...maybe something you two should have explored together, after all, you are already leading and alternative lifestyle. That remark may have offended you, it REALLY wasn't meant to. I promise. Some people can hack it out of love for the other some can't.

She is still there because she loves you. Plain and simple. 9 years is long enough to get over it if you love her and made the choice to stay together. There are 1 of 4 things going on. 1.) She loves you unconditionally. 2.) She is having sex once in awhile with somebody (man or woman) to fill the desire she is not getting at home. 3.) Since you have been together 17 years I assume you both may have gotten to the age where many women have lost the desire for sex very often. 4.) Her guilt.

In any case there has been almost 10 years of your life gone by that this has been a wall between you. You may get along wonderfully in every other area of your lives together but there is still this WALL. You both need to sit down and make a decision for both of your happiness....either break down that wall and lead a fulfilling life or let each other go so you can both find a partner that you can share all of yourselves with. Both answers will not be easy. It never is even if you are in a straight relationship. I am not pretending to know the difficulties in a f/f relationship. What I say I say from the heart because of my past relationships and my current one. I don't consider myself anything but straight but have had f/f sex a few times many years ago. My best friend. I would have considered her my soul mate and still do. I didn't realize that until it was too late and we both had been married. She ended up years later marrying my brother (2nd hub). Neither of us pursued a real relationship with each other because of our ages at the time and our families. Some parents, I'm sure you know, don't get over it. Neither of ours would ever have. In my heart my family was more important. I still think about it and know I would be happy with that lifestyle, but I need my parents in my life. I love them too much. Self sacrafice is my gift to how wonderful they are even tho they will never know. It's just not written in the stars for me. I was married 12 years to a man who was wonderful to me for many of them. Drugs took him away from me and my kids. I fought it every step of the way until it was down to the kids safety and letting him destroy himself. He's been missing 2 years now. Actually milk carton missing. I still wish I could know if he were dead or alive or just strung out and living in his own hell. I'd like nothing more than to get him help even tho I weant nothing to do with him personally. Everytime a body is found unidentified...I wait and read and wait to see if it is him. There are much much worse things for you to overcome than an affair, I promise you. Seek counseling if you love each other and do the work it takes for any relationship to last that has had stress put on it. Love is love it doesn't matter the sexes of the people. Just because I am not in a relationship with a woman doesn't mean my advice to you isn't sincere. Good Luck and bless you both

I am sorry for the lengthy answer. For some reason your question mad me feel like I actually had something important to say. I really do hope th e best for you.