Have u suffered b/c of your past?

Question

I have had a really hard life as a child and even now as an adult. It all started with my fathers death when I was 2, then mom left and I was left with her parents to raise, whom I truely love! But today I am someone who is so depressed and full of sadness fighting each day to make it through. Somtimes I think I am this way b/c of the lack of a father,everytime a male talks to me like a father I just melt and wanna cry. I dont know who is the other half of me who makes me. I know only my mother but she has a lot of issues and we never got along. Now I am married and he loves me but he's much older than me so even that causes me sadness and depression, and at times I think it all goes back to my past. So the only thing that brings me happiness or some light to my heart is thinking about having my own children. I dont know what to think anymore I feel so empty inside. Is there anyone out there that has passed or is passing through this? Dont feel like youre the only one I'm here with you

Answer 1

Hi, I responded to your other note about how “God really saved your life.” Wish I had read all this first, it gives me some background to work with… but that’s okay.

Hmmm. That is a VERY hard childhood – losing one parent and then being virtually abandoned by the other. That’s something very hard to get over, and the effects linger for a very long time. Everyone responds differently, men often differently than women. What you describe, though, doesn’t in any way seem to be “abnormal” for what you’ve been through.

(That might not sound encouraging… but at least you know that you are not “weird” for feeling as you do.)

I wish there was a way you could discover your father. Is there any possibility of meeting his parents, or have they both passed away as well? Maybe they could fill you in about your dad, if they’re still available.

Have you ever thought about the fact that you married a guy 20 years older than you – someone your father’s age? While I am probably stating the obvious, it sounds like you were looking for a dad, and one of the reasons you felt attracted to your husband was because he filled that role in your life. (That could also be contributing a little to why you don’t feel attracted to him as a husband right now, btw – he is filling your “father” role, emotionally, rather than the “husband” role. Somehow you have to deal with the “father” hole so that you can see your husband as your husband.)

Having children is a good thing. It could give you someone to focus on beside yourself, and it could help you to feel like a “mother” and a grownup rather than the lost girl still seeking her own father. Still, on the other hand, having a child to fill your own emptiness can be bad for you and the child, since you will have expectations for how your child should make you feel and when it doesn’t work or they seem to reject you, it will be emotionally hard to deal with.

I think you need to deal with how you still feel like a little girl looking for her dad, before you can start to give yourself without reservation to a child.

I understand somewhat about emptiness – my father was “absent” during my childhood due to his drinking problems, and I have a lot of emotional difficulty, detachment, and aimlessness resulting from that absence (I think).

I think one thing to recognize is that it’s okay to feel empty, even though it hurts. There’s such a compulsion to try to fill the emptiness with anything I can before proceeding ahead with my life; I think part of getting over it is to accept that I’m going to feel empty in some ways, it’s okay, and that God’s going to stick with me even when the empty feeling is there.

There is much that cannot be said here on a public forum, just due to space and such, and I don’t want to hog the thread… If you want to talk some more, please feel free to send me a note through my YA profile link. Meanwhile, take care of yourself.

Answer 2

Well I didn't go through the exact same thing you did, but the way I see it-- suffering is the same, no matter the cause.
I had a childhood full of abuse, and it only stopped 4 years ago. I also had to deal with parents that would show up only to disappear randomly.
I was depressed for a long time, but I finally got to the point where I decided enough was enough. What happened in the past, ruined my childhood- but there was no way that I was going to let it ruin my future- which I have full control of.

You need to realize that if you want to look back on your life when you're older and smile about it-- you've got to do something about it now.
As hard as it may seem, you need to let go, before you can move on.

Answer 3

OK, let's do some human body 101.

The human body makes chemicals that control our emotions.
When we exercise, the body makes chemicals, so our emotions feel better.

Because most of us do not have much time to exercise, and when we are depressed, we really do not want to exercise, we are caught in a rut.

Here is what you should do; go to Home Depot or Target and buy The Step.

Put it by your bed. When you wake up, step up and down for 5-15 minutes, for as long as you feel you can. Before you go to bed, repeat 5-15 minutes. You CAN take pauses when stepping when you get tired. This is not a race, step up and down at a speed comfortable to you. Be sure to move your arms side to side while doing this. It works better when you move your arms. Trust me, it just does.

After a couple of days, you will find yourself feeling a LOT better and more focused. And in time, your fears and problems will start to go away. Just have time and patience.

Answer 4

my father did not leave us and my mother is okay now, growing us i was physically abuse by my mother and sexually abused by my uncle so i have had my fair share of problems. I've been in counseling before and found that they could not help me. so i talk to my mother and forgiven her and my uncle now has past away. i have found a man that really loves me and we now have two beautiful little girls whom i protect and very rarely let out of my sight. I can't say having children did not help me because i think it really did, it calmed me down a lot and it seems like i would have never found true love but i did. so good luck and maybe try to find you father it may be the part you are missing.

Answer 5

I understand your situation, yet, with real compassion for you I must say. Get a backbone, don't go through life wishing things were better. Wishbones, are just that. Think positive thoughts, before long you'll see them becoming a reality if front of your face. Life is to be enjoyed not destroyed.