Should I start again? Or make the most of what I've got?

Question

I'm in an unhappy marriage. Got married young, and now I kinda want out. There is nothing wrong as such, just there is no spark and never has been. I'm starting to wonder if I'd be happier alone that with a man I'm not in love with. We've been together 6 years, married for 2. When we met, I was in a bad place in my life, trying to get over being raped and a few family troubles. I grabbed on to what I thought was my one chance of love, and clung on, even when I knew it wasn't real love. I've got no income, no job prospects, and no friends or family I could rely on. If I left, I'd be totally alone. I'm not sure what to do for the best. Any ideas most welcome, if you need more info, just ask and I'll fill in the blanks

Just wanted to mention that I'm hesitant about getting a job. I used to work part-time but have to leave after I had a breakdown in january. As I'm feeling right now, I don't know if I could cope working, let alone working full time.

Answer 1

You sound like you are depressed. How does your husband feel? Does he feel the same way? Do you think that maybe you can work it out through counseling? Do you think you will feel the same way a year from now? You'd be surprised at how much you may love your husband. He was there for you when you needed him most. You don't want to make a mistake and leave to find out that you really do love him. You need to start working on yourself. Get yourself a job, even if it's a part time job. Get out of the house. It will also bring in more income into the household, therefore, allowing more money for you and your husband to do things together. It will also allow you to meet people. I also married young (18), that was 24 years ago. I understand how you are feeling. You need to start doing for yourself. It seems like you depend on your husband only. You need to start depending on yourself. You may be sophocating in the relationship. Finding a job, any job, will help you get out and talk with other people and make other friends, then you can look at your marriage again.

If your husband loves you and does not feel the same way you do, then you at least owe him as much as to give it a chance.

I just read what you added. You are definitely depressed. You need to seek counseling. Depression will not let you live a normal life. There is help out there. I am currently in counseling myself. There is nothing wrong with finding help. You may need to get on medication, it can be a physical thing. Please get help. Don't let your life fall apart, especially when there is help out there. If you don't have health insurance, go to your nearest hospital and get information on how you can get help for free. The resources are out there.

If you need to talk, reach out to me.

Answer 2

IF (and I do mean IF) you are in an unhappy marriage - IF you really don't love him and never did - IF you only grabbed onto him to "save yourself" and because you thought it was your last chance, then you owe it to HIM to let him go.

What right do YOU have to keep him in a loveless marriage ? This is an equally important question for you to answer besides questioning why you would stay in a loveless marriage. In my humble opinion, there is nothing worse than being in a marriage all by yourself. May as well BE all by yourself.

All these other things should give you some pause for concern and a reason to take a serious look at yourself. You state that you have no income, no job prospects, no friends, no family...nothing to count on (and apparently not even him.) Ok, what does that tell you about what YOU need to do about your life ? It's all fine and dandy to hear someone tell you to "follow your bliss" (thank you, Oprah...) but you have to prepare to do that kind of thing.

Job prospects. So you are really saying you don't have the schooling or the skills to have a career. Ok, but that doesn't mean you can't have a job. You can bus tables and learn to waitress. You can stock shelves in a grocery store chain and get into their training programs. (Wal-mart and Home Depot are big on this kind of thing.) You can get a job - a menial job - that starts you on the road to self-sufficiency.

Once you get a job, then you will begin to meet people. In order to have friends, you have to be the kind of person with whom someone wants to be friends. How do you do that ? Read the paper so that you know what is going on in the world - form opinions, become informed about what goes on in your community. Go to the library, check out books. READ!

And when you read, check out what is going on in your community and start participating in it. Go to the art fairs and the events. See what is offered for free and do it even if you don't think you will like it. What have you got to lose ? And you may be surprised!

If and when you choose to free yourself and your husband from a loveless marriage, then you may find you are pretty fun kind of gal.

Now, just another thought - it might not hurt to discuss how you feel with your husband. In fact, you are going to HAVE to discuss this with him - you owe him a full explanation of what is going on. You cannot leave him hanging as to this matter as it impacts him directly and fully. It may be that he, too, is unhappy - BUT it may be that the TWO OF YOU could do all these things together and find a new life - a different spark - of happiness.

You never know until you try.

Answer 3

It's going to be a tough decision..it really is.
Two out of every 3 people are married to the wrong person, so you are not alone. Many have walked in the steps you are in.

It may appear as bleak and disappointing now, but remember, Attitude determines Altitude. Get a game plan! Find a simple job that can build a foundation for you. Stay on your feet. Save what money you can for yourself while still maintaining your relationship with your husband. Attempt to network with people! You would be surprised how this can open certain doors for you. Be honest with those around you, even with your husband. You won't have to show all your cards with him, but stick to your plan.

Avoid from falling into the same situation like falling for the 1st person who lends a helping hand, it's not love. And by no means, don't fall into the trap of selling your body as a way to get income. Not good! It might even be a good idea to get some information on some local support networks to get advice.

They say, "As some doors close, windows are sure to open!"

Hang in there, keep your chin and spirits high. Drop a line if you need more help!

Things will get better!

Answer 4

You are stronger than you give yourself credit for...take a look at all you have accomplished with so few tools. You are in a basically good relationship, your husband is not abusive, obviously loves you, and sounds as if he is good to you. You could do a LOT worse out there. Being a lone is always an option, but being a lone and broke is not as glamorous as it sounds. Why not get out of the house, volunteer to help those who really need help...abused women's shelters would be a very good place to start. I think that once you see what really goes on out there, you might just find that you have a much better life than you think. We all tend to get bored in life with the same old thing, day after day. You are not going to find excitement sitting at home. And Prince Charming will become a frog in no time flat..yes, even he will become boring if given the chance...so it is up to you to find outside interests, do good for others, learn job skills along the way, and spend the energy getting a spark back into a good relationship. IT is easier to do than it sounds. But it is not going to happen if you are planning an exit. Many would love to be in your shoes. GEt out and meet those people and you will find out what I am talking about. Good luck

Answer 5

Its time to rely on yourself. You should never be dependant on someone else to make you happy. Only you can do that. If you are not happy in your marriage, perhaps its not your spouse, but something else that is missing from your life. Do you have an education? If not, could you get one. Don' t make excuses like I don't have money for it. Apply for student aid. Take one class at a time if you have to. Get yourself some skills so you can give yourself the prospects of getting a job.
You are finding out how hard marriage is. It is not a game, it is not a bed of roses. Making a relationship work, no matter what kind of relationship it is, is one of the hardest things you will ever do. To make a marriage successful you have to remember that it is not 50/50 give and take. It is more like 60/40 give and take, sometimes you give 60% and take 40% sometimes you take 60% and give only 40%. Just be sure that the give and take does balance out and you are not always the one giving or taking the 60%.
Good luck.

Answer 6

If you married young, you are probally still young.

People do make mistakes, don;t wait until you are old and gray to figure things out. Life is too short to be miserable and if you are unhappy, then you should plan to make a life on your own.

Get a job and see how you can be self supportive. Being independent is something that you have to experience and that will give you so much empowerment, since you seem to have been always co-dependent of someone.

Need sometimes make you take sudden decisions. Now you know better and can plan a life on your own. Starting over is a wonderful thing to do. You are young still and can make it.

Good luck

PS/ If you are unwilling to get a job then stay where you are, Being independent and happy takes a lot of work and sacrifice. If you want to be unhappy but with your meal ticket paid, then stay there and don't complain. I rather be happy and regain my life that to put up with unhapiness for the rest of my life, but hey, it's your life after all.

Answer 7

You have some tough decisions to make. Do you not have any family or friends that could help you in some way?
If the answer is no then you need to look at yourself and figure out what is going to work for you. Does your husband love you?
Have you talked to him about your feelings? I know this would be hard but you owe it to him as well as yourself to let him know how your feeling. There is still a chance that you could "fall in love" with him! Both of you will need to make an effort and be willing to talk to each other and stay more positive.
It sounds like being on your own may be a bit overwhelming to you at this point. See if you can work on your relationship together. Good luck

Answer 8

If leaving seems like a big step then take smaller ones! suggest you try making a small change for yourself. Any chance you could get out one evening / afternoon a week to do something you enjoy? It sounds like your self esteem is pretty low and getting out might give you a chance to build some friendships and confidence. I did a home study course which had a tutorial once a month. I felt good about studying but I also met other people and developed other friendships. You may find that your marriage improves if you feel better about yourself or at worst you will know that leaving is actually a new beginning.
In case it helps I was on my own for 7 years. I was very lonely at first but it forced me to do stuff which was outside of my comfort zone. Then I realised being on my own (with my cats) was actually great fun!

Answer 9

In my opinion I know this would sound nonsense but you've got to give your husband a chance, in other words... since the very beggining you have the idea that you don't love the guy and that makes convinces you that you don't love the guy, so what I mean is that I think that you should have waited for the real love to come but I really don't know what I would have done in your place. I think you've got to try to reconstruct your marrige, try to make couple activities, and if you have kids I would really recommend you to try to fix your marrige but if you don't have kids divorce is much easier. Try to start like from the begging and if it doesn't work knowing that you've tried really hard then divorce could be an option. Talk to your husband that that might be the best solution, but if he doesn't cooperate and you start feeling worse don't doubt getting a divorce. If you feel and really think that you would be really happy alone and trying to meet your true love for once and for all then go and get the divorce but you have to at least try to construct this marrige that you call 'unhappy' and try to make it a better one. Maybe marrige counselor could be another effective solution. Just keep in mind to TRY and if you don't have kids the divorce thing would be much easier. I wish you luck and hope you can make the best chioce in order to be happy.

Answer 10

tough question. first , do you have NOW , any income , job prospects , friends , family etc to rely on? are you again finding yourself in a bad place now ? if you find anyone else , do you think it will last? most probably you will think if you found some kind , nice guy now , everything is OK. but you will think that because you are again in a bad place in life now. why don't you think it out yourself , why there is no spark in your life? is it something which can be fixed by you people?
personally , i wouldn't like to carry on a project which i dont like. but you will then have to face the consequences. is it worth risking your present life style? ( if i see a woman in this kind of a situation , i might try to take advantage of the situation. but the will the spark last? very unlikely.
think it over objectively and then decide. don't rush.