I can never let people get close to me?

Question

This has caused me lots of relationship troubles and break-ups, even to the point now where i have now been single for so many years.

i can't even get interested in meeting anyone because I know they will want to get in and i doubt if i will be able to let them and i just don't want to deal with the ache of it all anymore

how can i get over this problem?

i think its a hangover of breakups in the past, where i have been hurt and then i try to stop it from happening again with the next person, so it then becomes a self perpetuating problem

Answer 1

Why don't you try to forget about yourself and work on getting to know other people? Other people are usually more interesting anyway. Don't worry about them hurting you and just go with the experience. You could go bury yourself in a hole, but then what would life be like? Go out and live it, and accept any experience as being a life experience. Concentrate on them, as most people prefer to talk about themselves, and then you won't worry about what is happening to you.

Answer 2

I have been single for 5 years, mainly through choice but if i admit it there is also a part of me that is scared of getting hurt too. i think that leaving it for so long only makes it harder though.

I have only recently started dating again over the past year. Nothing has come of anything and i also tend to stop things before they start.

The only advice i can offer you is the same as i am trying to do. Do what gives you pleasure, enjoy your life and don't feel that you need to be with anyone. i have met a few men off the internet because that way you can take things at a pace that suits you and sometimes its easier to get to know someone on here than face to face. if you do meet someone you like take it slowly and if they are not happy with that then that's up to them they wernt for you in the first place. dont expect anything just try to go with the flow and see what happens.

i think of it all as a learning experience and just a chance to get to know a new person even if we dont get on. i guess the choice is to be alone forever and never get hurt or to give people a chance and get to know you at the risk of getting hurt. i have decided that it is worth the risk but it takes courage from yourself and trust in the other person. i also believe that we all have insecurities when it comes to relationships.

Answer 3

Unfortuneatly, It's a part of life..the ache of it all. You must just keep going threw it until you find the one for you. The experiences you have with people will get you mentally ready for the one waiting that could just be for you.. up the road ahead. You'll know more about what you will want from someone. So if you don't let anyone in, prepare to live alone for ever. Doesn't sound fun does it..the more you are willing to open up now, the easier it will be for you in the future. If you can't get interested, maybe that's b/c you haven't seen anything that makes you go...hey, I Want to know that person. That feeling will come since you are human, but don't force yourself to become interested in someone just for the sake of having someone, that's not good. So bottom line is If you don't let ppl in, how can you expect anyone to want to be with you? Or get to know you? It takes 2....not one, and that includes you..

Answer 4

You are very sweet - you obviously put a lot into your relationships.... Maybe you neglected someone in that relationship.... Yourself? Before you can allow someone else into your heart, you need to open up to yourself and know your own worth. When you do enter into a relationship, you are at peace with yourself, knowing full well that the person probably did not deserve you, anyway.

Be honest from day one and always let the other person knwo how you feel, it's amazing how people do understand.

What have you to lose? Not your heart, but a new experience with another unique person who may or may not be the right one... but the enjoyable times far outweighs the bad and is worth it when you do find your soulmate... and you WILL find that person because you are not afraid to search!

Answer 5

I don't know if your going to like this answer but its the truth- find a therapist. Don't go to just anyone, shop around, find someone that clicks. People get caught in ways of thinking about themselves and the world, that they developed as a kid as a defense mechanism. We all do it. And sometimes we hold onto those defense mechanisms when they no longer help us, but in fact harm us. Therapy is a way to find out where you feelings originated. Understanding why you feel the fear you do is key. Then together, you and the therapist can work out ways to overcome them, to change your way of thinking and relating to people. You need someone that you communicate with regularly, that you are not in a personal relationship with, that you can use as a sounding board, someone to give healthy advice and expert opinions. You don't want ot carry the weight of having to work through this by yourself- its too hard, maybe even impossible. When you find the right therapist, you may be surprised at how quickly you will start to heal!

Answer 6

I have sort of a similar problem. I get into relationships occasionally, but then I end up breaking up because I feel like the other person deserves better than me. But I haven't given up on finding someone that I really want to be with, and who can see through me when I say that they're better off with someone else. I believe that if I find the right person, I won't have this problem, and maybe they'll want to hold on to me enough that they won't let my guilt stop them.

My advice is to not give up and to keep looking. I know it's not easy; I've only been in three relationships in my entire life, while it seems like some of my friends get into three relationships in a month. I hope I have helped you. Good luck in your search.

Answer 7

You should consult a therapist, because maybe there's something underlying. It could be a disorder (like, there's a disorder called Social Anxiety Disorder) or you could have some traumatic events in the past that psychologically prevent you from being around people.

Ask yourself when you know you will meet someone, what do you feel? Do you feel nervous, upset, anxious? And keep track of what kind of thoughts you're thinking. Are your thoughts, "Well, they won't like me" (because if so, you have esteem problems that need to be discussed with a therapist.) And remember to clarify thoughts you regularly think, because negative thinking habits will just make you push people away. (For example, if you are thinking, "They won't like me," you have to get it straight in your mind that you don't know if they will like you, but you won't know until you find out.)

Answer 8

I am the same way. I am like this cause of being hurt so many times & it's a way of protecting yourself from hurt. I had to stop & realize though that it was causing me to miss out on so much. Even if you do get hurt you at least got to feel love. It really does make you stronger when you go through hurtful things. You've got to learn to allow people in. But you first have to start trusting yourself first.

Answer 9

COURAGE!

Why so pale and wan fair lover, prithee why so pale?
How, when looking good can't please her, can looking ill prevail?

You have to practice, meeting people, not expecting too much, not caring too much, knowing we're all in the same boat. You don't have to let any one in any further than you want, if it gets uncomfortable, get out and move on. It does not have to be a great love every time. What's more it won't be. Maybe it never will be. There are all sorts in this world, and you might find someone to suit you. But only if you keep on trying, and don't hang around to get torn up by someone who isn't right for you.

Answer 10

If you know the cause you are part way to solving it.
You have to be able to accept that you were hurt badly and that there is a possibility of being hurt again, but also that hope springs eternal.
Doing it alone is not easy and reliving the causes of the pain will recreate the pain.
Your G.P. should be your first step. Surgeries these days often have qualified councillors they use but they are very busy people.
Good luck.