last year me and my husband divorced. the child and i were very close even though she is my step daugter. the mom allowed me to continue my relationship with her and during that time she and i also got kind of close. my husband and i have reconciled and i tried to continue my relationship with his ex. she lives a very fast paced lifestyle and i began to see things that made me concerned for her well being as well as the childs. when i tryed to talk to her about it she said i was a backstabber and now does everything in her power to downgrade me. i am afraid that this rivarly will lead to hurting the child and causing problems the older she gets. i have the child the majority of the time this was arranged through the court. and the mom constantly picks fights and tells me to quit trying to take her place. that is not what i am trying to do. i am simply looking out for the childs best intrest. she tells the child that the rules her dad and i have are stupid.i want to end this war.
2006-08-22 07:37:55 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
It sounds as though whatever you called the mom on, had some truth to it and she went into defensive mode. If she does have things going on in her life that are raising some eyebrows, it wouldn't be far fetched to think the daughter may have commented on them as well at one point or another to her mother. And if she did, even if it was a harmless comment, the mother is going to automatically assume you are brainwashing her daughter. And thanks to society, it's easy for her to deem you as the "evil stepmother".
Although this is hard, it can be fixed. But I don't think I would make it a face to face confrontation. I think writing her a heart felt letter explaining that you don't wish to be at war and apologize for whatever it was that you said. Even if she was wrong, in what she was doing, it should have been your husband that called her on it, instead of you. And as a stepmom myself, I completely understand what it's like to try to maintain that type of relationship. It takes alot of just "sucking it up", accepting blame when you've done nothing wrong and practically standing on your head just to keep the peace. When it gets you down, think of your stepdaughter and be glad she has you for an influence in your life...she may not say it, but it means the world to her. My daughter is now 20, in college and still calls me mom. Her real mother doesn't play a big part in her life, but it was my daughter's choice when she became of age. Kids are smarter than we think. My daughter saw everything I did in her childhood and told me that the only reason she kept in contact with her mother was to seek out the love from her mom that I gave to her. You sound like you have a great relationship with your step-daughter now, if you want to maintain it....write the letter and keep the peace, you'll be glad you did.
2006-08-22 08:02:35 · answer #1 · answered by Hollynfaith 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
unfortunately some adults are more mature about custody arrangements than others. whats more unfortunate is that women don't tend to like it when another women is a major part in their childs life. depending on how old the daughter is she will be old enough soon to make her own decisions about who is "right" and "wrong". the best thing you can do is take the high road and be the adult. do not let her goad you in to petty arguments especially in front of the child. for right now it may be best that you keep communication between the two of you at a minimum. when you exchange the child focus solely on the child. that may sound harder than it is but trust me my best friend and her ex can't even look at each other but when we pick her up as soon as "lisa" gets out of the car all of our attention is focused on her and we don't even exchange one word with her dad. I'll tell her to give her daddy a goodbye kiss and then I take her. once she sees that you aren't going to indulge her in her petty fights then she'll back off. after that happens maybe you could write her a letter and let her know that you had really hoped that you could be friends and at the very least put the kids best interest first. maybe she'll realize how silly she is being but maybe she won't. atleast you'll know in your heart that your tried and did the right thing.
2006-08-22 07:59:55 · answer #2 · answered by amyclay350 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Step mom too. The best thing I could ever tell you is just keep living YOUR life and do what you think is right. Ignore everything she says and remind yourself that the only reason why she was buddy with you when you divorced her ex is because you no longer had him. Now she is jealous and is taking it out on her own daughter is sounds like. Don't confuse your stepdaughter by trying to tell her what her mom is saying is wrong just concentrate on keeping her state of mind okay. Jealous mothers tend to end up warping their kids minds. It's never to early to take your step daughter to a counselor too, mention what is happening to her pediatrician and have them know the situation. It's better to get the law on your side to back you up. They could just take away all custody from her if they find that what she is doing is mental abuse, then you don't have to worry anymore (at least until she turns 18 or a rebellious teen) they end up eventually turning on you just because they feel like they betrayed their true parent so be careful. But things even out when everyone grows up and matures (even ex-wife) Just from my experience.
2006-08-22 08:07:43 · answer #3 · answered by Nikie 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would quit talking with the ex-wife, let your husband deal with her, since she's the child's mother and he's the child's father. You may have overstepped your role as a step-mom, particularly while you and your husband were separated, and the mother may be reacting (albeit badly) to that. While I commend you for wanting to look out for the child's best interests, let the father do that, as long as he is capable of doing it. You just stand back and smile at everyone. Best of luck to you.
2006-08-22 08:00:52 · answer #4 · answered by basketcase88 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Patch up the relationship with your husbands ex and it sounds like all will be well again. Tell her you're not trying to back stabb her you're just trying to understand the things she does and why for her child sake. do what it takes to get her to be buddies with you again... No matter how hard it is sometimes we have to keep things to ourself in order to keep the peace. Peace is more important then trying to prove a point or trying to make things better for someone else when it won't be anyway.
2006-08-22 08:03:35 · answer #5 · answered by sophia_of_light 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
being the step mom can create problems with the natural parents. You need to sit down with your husband and explain what's going on and then he needs to back you up in decisions made on his child. Do not stoop to her level and downgrade her to your husband or the child. Kids are pretty smart, and the older this one gets, the more they will know you are the smarter "mom".
2006-08-22 07:53:03 · answer #6 · answered by hummingbird 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Prayer... maintain your love and dedication to the step-child. Don't give in to the bickering and challenges from the the mother because it sounds like she's trying to drag you into a confrontation - then you WILL be at her level. Let your husband know everything that's going on, keep your cool and maintain your efforts.
Also keep in mind that you could never take her place (as she claims) because you're not a drunken, loud-mouth lush!
2006-08-22 08:01:05 · answer #7 · answered by E. Gads 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Get the law enforcement officers in contact. that's your daughter. particular, her father has rights to work out her (at this factor), yet while he's no longer ensuring her secure practices he's in basic terms as undesirable as this wacko. Get CPS in contact, the law enforcement officers, see in case you have any grounds for paying for her in difficulty in keeping with what your daughter has stated? possibly there are others who see those products and do exactly no longer checklist it. (which may be unhappy. . .) do no longer take a seat in this. checklist IT!!! sturdy luck!
2016-09-29 13:39:14 · answer #8 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm a step-mom too and I can't stand that...
never mind...I was told if I don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything. sorry
2006-08-22 07:54:55 · answer #9 · answered by WOW! Miss Anissa 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋