Please help me some sound advice on dealing tactfully with my husbands ex-wife?

Question

I have always kept my mouth shut and never interfered with my husband and his ex-wife. They have two boys 16 and 17. The oldest is almost 18 he has a band and we go to watch him play. Every single time we go to a place she is going to be she comes up whispers to my husband and comes between us or she will sit on the other side of him for a few minuets. She was married in July and she is still doing it. She never speaks to me unless she wants me to take the youngest some where. She has even gone as far as coming here to our home and excusing me from my own back yard to speak with my husband by saying could you excuse us for a bit I need to speak with him. She sat in our back yard for 2 hours with him. I was just miffed about this. Then come to find out she only wanted to talk about the past with him. She has not done that in a long time but she sent a emails for them to meet soon about Collage for the oldest and that is ok. What do I do to get the point across to her enough is enough

My husband and I have only been married for 2 years and together for 4 years. I have known him all my life. We never saw each other while he was married. We lived in two diffrent states.

She was the one to stray from the marrige with the man she is married to now.

Answer 1

Wow...she is unbeleivable. Maybe she really is clueless enough to not realize how disrespectful, hurtful and inappropriate her behaviour is. Let's give her the benefit of the doubt and call her stupid rather than a b*$%h. Either way, she needs to be set straight. In my opinion, you should approach your husband first (although he should have noticed and addressed this issue already, but maybe he's not too quick either or just doesn't realize it bothers you so doesn't bother to do anything about it). Let him know (calmly and respectfully.....no bashing the ex otherwise you loose your credibility) exactly how you feel about the incidences which are occuring. Ask him if he would like to address the issue with his ex, otherwise you will. Don't say it in a threatening way though, just matter of factly, like you're giving him the option to handle it if he's more comfortable with that. If he leaves if for you to do, then do it the next opportunity you get. Always be calm and respectful though, even if she isn't. It's not competition and she doesn't have to agree with you. Just tell her the way it's going to be. Let her know that it really isn't necessary that she speak privately with your husband all the time, that you are also very interested in the welfare of your husband's and her children, etc. Let her know that whether it be in a public venue or your own home, you will not remove yourself from any situation for her to have private conversations with your husband, period!Your husband has to support you on this though. Once she has been told, if she tries to pull any of those old tricks, hubby needs to speak up then and there!! No private conversations, no whispering, etc. Your husband has to stand up for you (and your relationship) and just not allow it, ever, at all! I'm always one to support a good relationship between split parents, especially when children are involved but the extent of it in this relationship is not only unnecessary but invasive and an unhealthy example of human behaviour for the children. Best of luck.

Answer 2

I have to agree with the majority of the answers... you first have to address your husband and let him know exactly what you have stated here! I would not hash it out with her or "stand your ground"... just yet.

Your husband is allowing his ex to have weight in your marriage. Granted she's going to have a presence because of the boys, but that's where it ends. If she doesn't have any issues with the boys, then they have nothing to talk about. I think she just wants to come around because he's now married again. If he wasn't married, she would be just as contempt that he's alone.

Tell your husband that her actions are not only rude and crass, but also disrespectful. Give him a time frame to handle it (3 days or so) and go from there. If he tells his ex that her antics have to stop or she can't come around as in the past, and she ignores it... you now have the green light to tell her how it's going to be from here on. If your husband can't tell his ex the news (red flag), then by all means go ahead and let her know the deal (without violence) and perhaps her husband can help straighten things out a bit with her.

It all starts with your husband; he's the one that can put a stop to all of that nonsense.


Good luck...

Answer 3

You need to speak with your husband and tell him how you feel about this. It is up to him to set her straight. When she comes up to you and him and asks you to leave so she can speak with him, he should be the one to say that is not necessary. This is my wife and she doesn't have to leave. Obviously, you do speak with her when it is necessary, therefore, I believe this is a necessary reason to take her to the side and let her know in a very nice and tactful way how she is making you feel. Explain to her that I am sure she wouldn't like it if the shoe were on the other foot. Start standing your ground, you're not just a girlfriend, you are his wife and a very big part of his life and his children's life. You shouldn't be treated as if you were in the way. When she comes to a function and she decides to take a seat next to him, ask your husband to get up and go with you somewhere away from her, and leave her sitting there, and when you return, make sure you sit in the middle. She needs to realize that she now has a spot in her new husband's side, not yours.

Good luck. I know how you feel. Been there, done that.

Answer 4

Apparently, there is unfinished business between them. It would be better if they had unloaded the baggage before they moved on with other people. It also seems to me that she is acting a little proprietary towward him. That is unacceptable.

Have you asked your husband how he feels about this? He is in a difficult spot. He has to maintain cordial relations with the mother of his children. It isn't optional. So, it could be that she has unfinished business, but he does not and he just feel obligated to listen in order to keep things civil. So, who has the unfinished business? Him? Her? Both?

It is normal for them to have contact on parental issues. The question of college is a good example. However, you sound an involved stepmom. There's no reason for you to be excluded. I say butt right in and join the conversation. If it's really about college, then you have every right to be involved because it will affect you financially.

Also, the next time she sits and whispers in your husband's ear, just lean over, plant a big sexy wet one on him, and then put your head on his shoulder. Think of it as marking your territory. She'll get the idea.

If this stuff doesn't work, just tell her flat out that he is your man and that there isn't any need for confidential communication between her and your man. Make it crystal clear.

Answer 5

First of all why would you let her excuse you out of your backyard ? even if it is to talk to him regarding the kids, their really shouldn't be any reason for you not to be allowed in the conversation, especially if you help care for the kids. she does not have a problem talking to you when she needs you to pick up the Lil one. However if your husband allows her to do this you need to speak to him not her.. This way you don't come off as trying to interfere , or jealous. so talk to him but also just because she asks you ( i don't care how nice she puts it either) you don't have to excuse yourself from her conversation .About the e-mails why is your husband tolerating this ? Why have a 2 hour talk about the past? all these things is your husbands fault.I am an ex and although i don't care for my exes new girl i don't send my ex messages of any kind i actually speak to her more then my ex . But then again i am over my ex completely so i don't have an urge to converse with him unless its an emergency regarding our kids.......Like i said this is not really her fault it is your husbands for letting it happen good luck.

Answer 6

Kill her with kindness! Your husband is the one that needs to tell her to back off and that if she has something to talk to him about that it can be said infront of you as well, this will stop her from ever doing it again! But it needs to come from him and needs to be said infront of you to her. Everything that concerns those boys also concerns you, it's your income as well that is supporting them, it's your household they are in when they are there and it is your name they now hold.

Go to the band pracitices that she won't be at and when and if she shows up and she comes between you and he don't show her it bothers you, she'll do it more, she's trying to push your bottons, you know he's done with her so let her imiture as* be... and once she knows she can't push your bottons anymore then it will all be done and over with, she won't have nothing more to bother you with and she'll give up... There could also be a new rule no more X's allowed in the house! Do business over the phone from now on.

Answer 7

You don't need to talk to her. Talk to your husband. Let him know how you feel and let him know that it is HIS RESPONSIBILITY to keep things between his ex wife and himself appropriate. There should have been no reason for him to sit outside with her in your home for two hours. One of you should have said something. If not you, he should have gotten up the moment he figured out what she was going to speak about. And honestly, I see no reason why they should need private time together to discuss anything. You are the step mother. Get in there. The decisions they make about their children affect you too. Let your husband know that you are going to be involved in these conversations and that there is no reason they should talk privately without you. She whispers in his ear?? Hit the b*tch in her face - seriously, after one warning of course, Or tell your husband to shove her away. Anything she needs to say can be said outloud. I'm surprised that you have been dealing with this and that your husband is allowing it to go on. Good Luck.

Answer 8

First of all I think ex wives should not even be aloud to come to your home.my husband's ex and my ex husband are not aloud here at all we both have children by them.Second just because she is the ex wife and they have children together she is crossing way too many boundaries you need to politely tell her that her actions are going to stop and also tell your husband.Those kids are older now and they don't need mommy and daddy having little chats about them all the time whatever issue needs to be worked out can be done so on the phone.We don't even speak to our ex's that much unless an issue needs to be resolved with our kids and then its over.We are not friends we are their parents who are not together as husband and wife anymore but there for them when the children need us.So with all that said you just need to set some boundaries for her and make her understand that you are serious and sticking to your guns.good luck

Answer 9

You have nothing to clear with her but with your husband. He has shown very little respect for you and for his home by allowing his ex to come into your house and order you around. Tighten your belt and put your foot down. Enough IS enough! This crazy ***** will keep doing it until he does something about it. The kids are at an age where she no longer needs to be around them so much. speak up for yourself or you will get carried in tow.

Answer 10

I would talk to your husband about this. Ask him to include you in some of the discussions and how it makes you feel. Maybe you and your husband need to go and look at colleges together for your step son and let the ex do it on her own.