Am I not a good friend?

Question

In 2004, we put our house for sale and were going to move back to our hometown (1200 miles away). A hurricane was headed toward our house. With a 18 month old and a newborn--my husband decided to pack us up and a few things--and we left. He drove all night--to my mom's. Dropped us off, and drove back down to check on damage. We stayed with my mom....and it was very stressful. We didn't have cribs, winter clothes, a car...etc. My husband was trying to sell the house, look for a job, and travel every other weekend to see us. I wasn't getting out much...to see anyone. And money was tight--because of pending sale and he was ready to quit. We were at my mom's for 4 months---then moved an hour north. A year later, I had another baby. Three in 3 yrs. It's been two years and I have been getting the cold shoulder from one of my friends (I have known for 25 yrs) ever since. I finally confronted her--and she points back to that time of my life saying I could have spared 30 mins.

During this time--up until today--I have always emailed her, asked her how she was doing, dropped off spare children clothes, asked her about her family...etc. When we were in our new house, I was in the area, and she was not home. She says I gave her the cold shoulder before my wedding. And if all her friends were like me--she'd be lonely. My two good friends told me that she needs to cut me some slack. I lost my job, moved 1300 miles away, planned a wedding, got pg, husband lost his job, had a baby, lost my job, and got pg again, then we moved back. I have apoligized to her--explaining that if I did anything----it certainly was not intentional. And have tried repeatedly to get things back on track--to where she's given me the cold shoulder for these past two years. What gives? Is it me--or her?

Also, she works during the week. And on the weekends--my husband was visiting. And living at my mom's was not disneyland--and I did not have a built in babysitter. And was not used to small kids (70). She has a life too--gone every morning til about 11am. And tired at night. One night, she gave me a hard time about a small gathering I wanted to go to--so I took my kids.

When I told her that was a busy time for me, she basically said that I didn't know busy. She has 3 kids (two teens) and one toddler. And with no husband...blah blah blah. I didn't think that was a fair comment. I have always been there for her...and I think at a time I needed to focus on my family--I needed my friends to not make me feel bad for not socializing. In fact, friends that were anxious to see me all waited til I was in the new house. At that point, she was already mad.

Great answers. Thx. After mulling this over with some of my other friends---they all agreed that she is on the bitter bus. They informed me of somet other odditites that have happened in the past---like how she did not come to my wedding shower. Yet, says she's never met my husband. (hello, we were not living in the same state). So, I won't be made to feel bad or guilty because I am still married, and my "busy" is not her "busy". She allowed me for the past two years to give her things and help her--get information from me...without a word that she was upset with me. She never asked me if I needed anything, clothes...etc...when we were displaced by the hurricane. Or even acknowledge the birth of my last child. When confronted about her coldness, she tells me that I have friends out of convenience. What a hypocrite....and not needed in my life.

Answer 1

Sounds to me that she feels you neglected the relationship. From what you say I don't really see that being the case. You had a lot going on in your life but you still stayed in contact and asked how she was doing. The fact still remains that SHE felt that way. All you can do is talk to her let her know that you did not intentional make her feel that way. If she is not willing to try to see things from both points of view and show a little understanding then you can not force her to. Just be the best friend that you can be and let her make the choice.

Answer 2

I always say a good friend is hard to find, a good friend will stick with you through thick or thin, Send her a card, tell her you miss her, sometimes you was going through a lot of things, but, no matter what she will always be your good friend, and you hope that she fells the same. See if she will take it to the next level.
If not honey, wish her the best, to yourself, and leave it along, you win some and you lose some.

Answer 3

Your friend became too dependent on you. It happens all the time. Friends can't always be there, because s. happens. I'd let her go, because she's just going to continue to guilt-trip you. You're understanding of what pressures are in her life, but she's not understanding of yours, so do you need her self-centered attitude?

Answer 4

Sometimes friends grow up and then grow apart.